


Squad Leader Titan

by xl_tt



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Blood, Character Death, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gore, Lime, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Mild Angst, Minimal required enlistment age: 16, POV First Person, Self-Harm, Slow Build, Smut, Spoilers, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-06
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-05-12 04:44:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 49,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5652901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xl_tt/pseuds/xl_tt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a woman and being ridiculously tall at the same time is not quite the mix that you appreciated in your life, particularly when it comes to people staring and - fuck your life - giving you <i>the nicknames</i>. You peacefully lived in Shiganshina until The Day. Four years after the massacre and fall of Wall Maria, you join the 102nd trainee squad... not quite legally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Day

**Author's Note:**

> Like the summary says, The Reader is _really_ tall (measurements appear in the text). That is the only fixed appearance description considering The Reader. The Reader has a sister. Some invented side characters were added, since The Reader joined the 102nd trainee squad, and there is no information about who was in it. All the names are fixed, except for The Reader's. The minimum required enlistment age is 16. I'm up to date with manga and I use less known information from SmartPass releases. There are differences in some cases concerning Armin in manga and in anime, I'm basing this on the manga (especially Armin's appearance...). Additional notes will be added as the story progresses, providing they wouldn't be spoilers. Please understand that this is all essential to the plot. 
> 
> **Warnings so far:** manga spoilers (I'm up to date), extreme swearing, lime, self-harm, self-hate thoughts, blood and gore, mentions of explicit situations, smut.

_Too tall for a girl._

When you are 10 and living in a tightly packed space of Shiganshina, where anything out of the ordinary makes you a focal point in the area, being 5'4 at such age was not the way you'd like your life to be. I could wear my mother's clothes and was strong enough to do adult chores, and so people around stopped considering me a kid, unless I was seen playing with other brats, upon which they'd raise their eyebrows and -

“You are so tall I forgot-”

“I swear, if you didn't wear a skirt-”

“Are you really 10, kid? Hard to believe-”

It happened often enough for other kids to pick it up, and soon I was stuck with nicknames ranging from “a beanpole” to... things much less creative. I was a child of a polite and gentle nature, so instead of using my size and the strength it gave, I reacted with blushes and tears.

“Oi, titan, where ya going?!” one of them called after me, making several of his friends burst out with laughter. I bit my lips and rubbed at my red cheeks.

I was relieved to leave the neighbourhood. My younger sister Dagny fell ill earlier that morning and mother sent me to fetch Doctor Yeager. His son Eren scared me a bit with his defiant attitude, and taciturn Mikasa seemed to me even more disturbing, but at least they didn't call me names and Eren had a habit of asking about my mood. Considering my encounters with other kids, they basically were my friends. I didn't see them too often, though. There was always work for someone my size.

I was nearly there when I heard something all too familiar: boys calling names and cackling, undoubtedly at another child. I stopped in my track and clenched my fists. Bullying me was one thing. Watching someone else being harassed was another. For the first time I felt a thick layer of frustration and anger accumulated in my mind after all those awful times, and I also realised that I could use it. I turned on my heel and stormed towards the noise.

In a side alley, three thick boys were standing around someone smaller, shielding the kid from my sight. They heard my thumping footsteps and smirked. I wasn't much bigger than them, they looked at least 12. It didn't stop me. I tightly pinched my lips into a thin line and crashed into the group with my arms spread, taking all of us to the ground with the impact. I scowled when my knees scraped against the cobblestones, but I jumped to my feet right away and kicked the biggest brat between his legs, not holding back. He howled and curled into a ball. 

_Smash it before it lays eggs._

The two other must have pondered about their situation and ran away, leaving their comrade behind. I turned to the person they had pinned to the ground. A small blond boy in a blue sweater, clutching some maltreated book in his arms. His clothes were covered in dirt, and he had plenty of scratches on his face and hands. I heard the last bully stand up and run away. I knelt down.

“Hi,” I said to the blond kid.

“H-hi,” he answered in a shaky voice. His bottom lip quivered.

“Did they hurt you much?” I asked, giving him a concerned look. Two tears ran down his cheeks, but he shook his head. I reached out my hand to place it reassuringly on his shoulder, but he flinched, so I let it drop back. 

“I'm not going to hurt you,” I mumbled. “I know what I look like and here I've just... but I'm not... I don't...” I went quiet. “Now I'm one of _them_ , too,” I whispered. I stood up. “I'm sorry. I don't think they'll be back soon. Bye!” I turned on my heel and proceeded back to the main street. I almost reached it when I bumped into Eren and Mikasa.

“Hi!” Eren smiled widely. “Have you seen Ar-” he stopped, looking behind me at the blond boy, who was probably still sitting by the wall. “Armin!”

Both kids ran to him, not paying attention to me any more. I glanced over my shoulder at them and decided to go away. I took too long already, and neither Dagny nor mother would appreciate that.

“HEY!” Eren called again, this time with anger in his voice. “What did you do to Armin?!”

I froze for a moment. I shuddered. I leaned forward and sprinted towards the open road, not looking back and trying not to listen to Eren's shouts. I took a tangled route to reach the Yeager house and I presented the matter to the Doctor as fast as I could, excusing myself to urgent chores awaiting me. After I received a confirmation that my sister would soon get help when the Doctor would go on his way inside Wall Maria, I ran out on shaking legs, back home. 

Suddenly, being called a titan wasn't so bad after hearing my friends yelling at me.

* * *

I was about to finish hanging the laundry when Doctor Yeager arrived. He stepped down from his cart and I led him inside to Dagny, who was pale and sweaty, running fever and trembling. Mother came in from the kitchen and I was sent away to finish my works. Half an hour later, Doctor Yeager departed. I watched his cart disappear behind the corner. It was sunny.

The rest of the midday was nothing out of the ordinary; I went to the market, bought food for tomorrow, then I collected the dried laundry, folded it and placed in the drawers, and then I went to pick firewood. I waved at Hannes on my way through the inner gate. I noticed Mikasa and Eren closing in from the other side and I ducked behind a bush to hide. Mikasa was asking him why he had cried.

I let out a withheld breath and wandered towards the forest, sighing every now and then. I observed butterflies and bees swarming around, going about their own business. I thought that while they did live inside the Walls, they weren't really trapped there. I sighed once more. I heard quacking and I glanced up to see two ducks flying by, towards Shiganshina. I thought that they probably would fly over the Wall, without worrying about the titans. I sat down and let my eyes follow them until the inner Wall hid them from my sight. Then I sighed and picked up my task.

I had just about a half of the basked filled when it happened. I thought it must have been a thunder, but the sky was mostly clear save for some small clouds, coloured gold by the setting sun. I thought it maybe was a cannon. But then the ground trembled and an echo of a crash crept up my skin. My hands slowly dropped by my sides, a forgotten stick fell onto the grass.

Maybe a building crumbled, I pondered, taking first steps back. They are all old, in the end. Or maybe some stupid kids took a chance with military cannons and now are darting away, laughing their hearts out. Or maybe some military device fell off the Wall.

I sped up, clenching my fists on the basket straps.

There was no guard at the inner gate. I looked around. The proximity seemed completely still and quiet, but... I frowned. Yes, I was right. I could hear faint screams and noise from the distance, towards the outer gate.

“Kid, what are you doing here?!”

“Mister Hannes?” I pivoted to see Hannes landing with his 3DMG, his face derived of any colour and moisture, quite a contrast to his drunk blush and sweat I saw half an hour earlier on my way out.

“Get to the boats, now!” he yelled, waving me off.

“Mister Hannes, I have to go ho-”

“GO, BRAT! Do as I say!”

My lower lip trembled and my eyes prickled. Why was he yelling? I pretended I took the way towards the river, but when I was out of his sight, I darted home, spilling twigs behind me.

“Mum?” I whimpered upon entering. The door was left ajar, a chair in the kitchen laid on the floor, tripped over, and Dagny's favourite mug, shattered to pieces, was sprayed all over next to the table.

“Mum? Dagny?”

The screams and rumbles grew closer. A couple of people sprinted past the house. I decided that no one was home, so I stepped out into the street and looked towards the source of all that noise. I frowned.

“What is that?” I mouthed. Thick clouds of white smoke were vaporising over the outer wall – and it seemed they originated outside. _Outside._

Then I noticed something moving over the roofs. And another... and one more... three more... I stumbled back and pressed myself to the entrance door.

“Annie, come on!” my eyes barely brushed two kids running past me, seemingly my age.

“Boats,” I murmured. “If mum and Dagny have already left, they are at the boats. I'll just take-”

Someone called my name. I recognised that voice. The blond boy from earlier that day, Eren's and Mikasa's friend.

“Armin?”

* * *

We were scrambled on the deck like fish in a can, squeezed to the wooden wall. Armin and his grandfather were to my right. I watched Eren and Mikasa as they stepped onto the boat. They didn't seem to hear Armin's calls.

“Poor kids,” murmured Armin's grandfather.

I was silent. I didn't find my family around the boats. I was trembling. Armin glanced at me and reached out a shaking hand which I took gladly, probably squeezing too tight.

* * *

I found Dagny after we arrived at Wall Rose, but neither of us knew of our mum's whereabouts. For some time, we lingered in Trost, but then we were sent to a farmhouse. Armin, Eren, and Mikasa were sent away, too, but I didn't know where. 

Just somewhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the ancient times when I was writing my _Can't fix a peaceful story_ , I estimated at the beginning that it would take me 10 chapters and ~25K words... I ended up with 23 chapters and almost 70K. So I don't kid myself, let's estimate at 20 chapters now.


	2. 102nd Trainee Squad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Trainee Corps!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I've said, I made up some characters to fill up the squad for The Reader. But no worries... you know what things happen in SnK.

Four years passed. Dagny was a beautiful, cute, small, 12-years-old girl, a perfection without a flaw, albeit a bit mischievous. No one wanted to believe we were sisters. I couldn't blame them. When we stood next to one another, my 14-years-old self was towering her soft 4'11 with my 6'2 worth of bones and muscles. Every day I hoped to stop growing, and every month those wishes spat back at me. I was stubborn, though. Some of the people working at the farm suggested I could perhaps wear men's clothes, which would fit my posture way better, but I liked skirts and I liked dresses, so I damn wore skirts and I damn wore dresses, and I kept my hair long, and I swore those people off. They didn't need to listen to my statement twice – stupid would be a human not to remember a titan's warning by heart. After some time, they simply switched to talking behind my back.

And I was waiting.

My fourteenth birthday passed a week earlier. Dagny was standing by the farm's gate. Crying. I hugged her tightly and presses a kiss into her soft hair.

“You can't go,” she sobbed into my shirt. “You aren't even 16. Please, don't go...”

“Oi, little fish,” I mumbled, pulling on a cheerful tone. “I look at least 18, and we've talked about it a thousand times already.”

“You can't go.” She grasped the back of my shirt in her small fists.

“Molly will take care of you, she's a good girl,” I rubbed Dagny's back. We both heard the cart's wheels rolling over a horse's stomps. “Got to go, fishy.”

“You're such a pike,” she murmured, snorting in some snot. She released me, showing reddened eyes between puffed eyelids on a swollen, tired face.

“Big, ugly, and dangerous, yep, that's me.” I pointed at myself and smiled. The cart stopped and I jumped in, locating myself between some other recruits. I waved at Dagny, who began sobbing aloud now, tears rolling down her heart-shaped face.

I was still waving to her when the cart was climbing uphill. She sat down by the gate and watched.

I sighed and turned to see who else was there. The rest of the recruits didn't hide their interest, but it seemed different from the people who were taken aback by my size.

“Uh... hi,” I mumbled with an awkward smile.

“Hi!” A ginger, shapely girl in front of me grinned and reached out her hand. A handshake. No one's asked me for a handshake before. “I'm Nora.”

“Connor,” said a boy with a large gap between his front teeth and acne scars.

Mort was a boy with black hair in a ponytail, Jeanette had a long face covered in freckles, Vanya was tiny but with a poor excuse for a moustache, and Natasha tried her best to hide her acne behind her blond hair.

And then there was me, taller than all six of them. And at least two years younger.

* * *

The very next day we were stood in long rows. Nora said that there were far fewer recruits since Wall Maria was breached, and I couldn't blame them. I idly listened to Keith Shadis throwing acidic phrases at every rookie, although he did skip some. I wondered if he'd stop by me. He didn't seem like a type that would enjoy looking up to scold someone.

I was right. That made it one of the seldom occasions when my height didn't seem such a bother. He got to Mort pretty bad, leaving the poor guy all shaking and sweaty. Next up was Jeanette.

“And who the fuck are you?!” It was a mystery how Shadis avoided spraying his saliva over everyone. “Huh, horse-face?”

“J-Jeanette Larue, sir!” Jeanette obviously wasn't going to let herself down. _You go, girl_ , I thought. “From East of Wall Rose, sir!”

“And why the fuck did you come here, horse-shit?!”

“To learn how to fuck titans, sir!” she shouted. All the recruits froze.

“I see...” There was a loud thud and Jeanette knelt on the ground after Shadis knocked her head with his own. “Titans won't even look at your ass before they eat you!” He stepped over to another recruit and I caught a glimpse of a confident smirk on Jeanette's face. I answered her with a similar triumphant smile.

* * *

Two years passed faster than I had ever expected. Two years ago to the day I left Dagny behind. The way to the farm was long, and even if we were given a rare day off, it wasn't nearly enough to pay a visit. I grew, of course. Whooping 6'6 made me the tallest cadet in the recordings ever so far.

Today we were supposed to take in the new recruits and show them around. I scratched my nose and looked down at Nora. She remained tiny with her 5'1 and we looked ridiculous together. Jeanette was five inches taller, and currently she occupied herself with eyeing the incoming rookies. Nora elbowed her.

“Those are kids, Jean,” she giggled. “16-years-old kids, what are you even looking at?”

I snorted and both ladies cackled. They knew about my age since the end of the first year.

“Huh? How did you-” we looked at one of the boys in the group. A boy with a dark undercut and dirty blond hair was eyeing us with a puzzled expression. “You know my name?”

I saw Nora and Jeanette exchange gazes. All three of us burst out laughing.

“What's a _titan_ doing here, anyway?”

The three of us went completely silent. I noticed a boy with a buzz-cut who was smirking now, content with his remark.

“No,” Nora mumbled, gingerly prying her fingers onto my wrist. 

“YES,” Jeanette snickered, taking Nora's hands away. 

I measured the other cadets. One of them was nearly as tall as I, but he had a completely different aura about himself. I frowned. He seemed familiar. I shrugged it off, though, locking my eyes onto the shitty brat. I walked forward, in three regular steps bringing myself right in front of him. His confidence faded in the shadow I cast over his 5'2 body. I leaned down to meet his eye level.

“To munch on the guts of little fuckers like you,” I said quietly. He gulped. The dirty blond boy cackled. “So much fun, horse-face?” I called to him. I straightened up, presented my name, and checked out the cadets again. “You've discovered my nickname already. The ginger beauty is Nora, and the speckled mare is Jeanette. We will show you around, so listen and don't stray away, or you'll see why really they call me the Titan.”

“Is that really you?”

I raised my eyebrows and stared (almost) at someone shielded from my sight by taller recruits. There was some shuffling and pushing aside and three teenagers stood before me. My lips parted.

“Armin?”

“Good to know she remembers about _us_ , too,” murmured Eren. Mikasa elbowed him in the ribs.

“You guys, why the fuck would you join? Are you out of your wits?”

“Aaaall right, kids!” Jeanette broke the awkward conversation. “Follow me and this nice piece of ginger ass, we'll lead you over the base."

“Thanks, Jean!” I called after her, earning one more puzzled gaze from the dirty blond boy.

“Come on, Eren.” Mikasa held Eren's forearm in an iron grip and dragged him along.

Armin and I were left alone. I'd never felt more self-conscious about my height than now, when I was staring down at this 5'6 of good memories. I grunted and cleared my throat.

“Uh... good to see you made it so far,” I uttered.

“You cheated to get here two years too early,” said Armin with a trace of accusation among worry. 

“Yeah. I did. Doesn't make any difference to me.”

“You... c-could train with us.”

 _What you mean is “you could spend time with us"_ , I thought. I sighed.

“There was a chance, yes,” I admitted. I rolled my eyes and pointed towards one of the benches before the study hall. We sat down and I felt a bit better without having to point my eyes down so much. “But I had no idea w-”

“Where we were, if we were alive, and if we wanted to join,” Armin finished for me, scratching at the back of his neck. “Yeah, s-sorry, I got carried away.”

“Yep, and took you two years to get back.”

Armin giggled quietly. I smiled. I missed talking to him, even though we spent not even a half of a year together before we were sent different ways, and it was such a long time ago.

“I've heard you are quite a promising cadet,” he said after a long moment of content silence.

“Yeah,” I shrugged. “But I might get eaten just as much as anyone else.”

“I'm pretty sure any titan will have a big problem with someone in the top 10.” Armin sent me a smile showing he was proud of me. I rubbed my brow. 

“Anyway, how has it been? Five years... How's old Mr. Arlert doing?”

Armin closed his mouth and fixed his eyes on the ground. I bit my lips and reached out my hand to put it on his shoulder. I remembered the first time I tried it, years ago, and how he flinched then. I was relieved that this time he didn't.

“I'm sorry,” I said quietly. I grazed his collarbone with my thumb, up and down, before I realised what I was doing and quickly withdrew my hand. “When?”

“Five years ago, soon after we left,” he murmured, his eyes still dropped. “He was drafted along with those thousands of Wall Maria refugees.”

I frowned deeply and tilted my chin down as well. I scratched my forehead.

“I'm sorry,” I repeated. “He was a loving and kind person, even to me.”

“What do you mean? Why would anyone- oh.” Armin licked his lips with embarrassment. “I don't know if this sounds good, but anyone could feel safe when you are around. I mean, uh.” He hissed with annoyance. “I don't even know how to phrase it.” 

I let out a large amount of air through my nose in place of a laugh. I patted Armin on his back and stood up.

“Who wouldn't, when there's a mountain of muscles to hide behind. Come on, we're late to dinner.”

“That's _exactly_ what I _didn't_ want it to sound like.” Armin scowled. We passed the dormitory barracks and I waved to Jeanette and Nora, who probably had finished their dinner already. Jeanette slapped Nora's butt and stole a kiss while the ginger girl spat swears at her.

“You know, I could've sworn I'd seen that beanpole from your squad before,” I remarked when we reached the dining hall. I got inside first. I had to bow down to avoid hitting the upper frame and it evoked a wave of amused smiles among the newbies. I smiled sweetly in response and cracked my knuckles. Armin dragged along behind me, searching for Eren and Mikasa. He soon found them and skipped to get food. I nodded at him and proceeded to my own squad mates. Mort and Vanya were discussing something lively, both gesticulating and doing their best at keeping their voices down. Vanya was still tiny, but his moustache grew well, making a funny contrast to his posture. Mort got an undercut a while ago, but still kept the long part of his hair in a ponytail. And he grew up at least ten inches since we met.

“What's the battle about, girls?” I asked, dropping myself next to Mort and elbowing him in the ribs. He pouted at me and Vanya kicked him under the table.

“Always me,” sighed Mort with an exaggerated miserable expression. “This schnauzer here says he's going to be higher in the top ten than me. Can you believe it? I'm totally going to be the first.”

Vanya burst out laughing.

“That might be only if she quits,” he almost choked on his soup, pointing his chin at me. “But honestly, I peg you for the third or fourth, after Jeanette.”

“I guess you're right, bitch's too good with 3DMG.” Mort shrugged, his short ponytail jumped up and down. “But honestly, you could totally beat her, Van.”

“Just go to your dorm and fuck already, this is getting sticky.” I rolled my eyes. Vanya blushed, Mort snorted and kicked him in the shin. I slurped the last spoon of my soup and sucked in the last bit of bread. “If not, I swear to Sina I'm going to stick these boots of mine down your assholes on tomorrow's training.”

“GAAAAYYY!” Natasha yelled from the other end of the table, and we all cackled maniacally. Vanya almost rolled under the bench when he bent down to hold onto his stomach. All four of us peeked at the rookies and burst out even louder upon seeing their expressions.

“Speaking of that, where's Connor?” Mort uttered hoarsely, trying to control his giggles.

“Stable duty.” Natasha smirked viciously. “He took one for me after I reminded him we know what he did last month,” she explained, evoking a roll of wolf whistles around our table.

“I wonder if he could get miserable with our orders enough to admit it to Jean and Nora,” I said, scribbling on the table with my spoon.

“And die a despicable death?” Vanya snickered. I leaned back to rest against the wall, and stretched. A yawn escaped my lips. I glanced towards Armin's table. He was conversing with Eren, and Mikasa watched them patiently. She caught my stare and we exchanged small smiles.

“See that black haired miracle up there?” I asked the folks at my table. “You better remember her, because she's going to be the top cadet in that trainee squad.” I stood up and stretched again. “Come on, remember I'm going to slaughter you all on the morning hand-to-hand. You better get a good sleep.”

“Or a good piece of ass,” added Vanya. Mort kicked him.

My three comrades cheered as they got up and we departed.


	3. Reading books and people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prepare for a Titan Battle. And there's something nagging The Reader at the back of her mind...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swearing, as usual.

There wasn't much of an opportunity to see cadets from other years, but once or twice a month we had a cross-over and trained together. Three weeks after their enlisting, Shadis told us to have a whole morning of sparring. Lots of rookies whined at the concept, sensing a grand beating incoming, but there was also a good portion of those with vicious smiles and _just try me_ stances. That is, unless they looked at me. No one wanted to spar with the Titan. I stood on the side and watched them. Jeanette was currently making Bertolt Hoover regret his decision to join the trainee squad. Nora seemed to have difficulties with the cold blooded Annie. Natasha bravely took hits inflicted by Eren, and she didn't seem to be affected at all. Mort had just thrown Armin onto his butt. Poor Armin noticed I was watching him and he burned red, biting his lips in shame. I gave him a reassuring nod.

“I'm bored." Vanya and Connie Springer seemed to possess a similar careless spirit, as they both were having fun with picking up ridiculous poses.

“Oi, Reiner!” I called, noticing a lone tank strolling about. “You done beating Connor?”

“Ya!” Reiner grinned. “I thought you top ten guys would make much more of a problem for a 3-weeks rookie.” A series of Connor's venomous swears flew across the field.

“Easy to say when your top ten is a good foot shorter and a half of your weight.” I cackled.

“Is that a challenge?” Reiner raised his eyebrow and winked.

“If you get one more buddy on your team, then maybe.” I snickered, looking down at him.

“Oi, Bertl, come here!” Reiner yelled. Bertolt lost his focus and Jeanette levelled him to the ground. I walked over and helped him up. Bertolt mumbled something under his breath and wiped the sweat off his forehead. That was when I noticed how drenched the boy was. Compared to anyone on the field, he looked like he had taken a shower in his clothes. I wrinkled my nose. Reiner caught up to us.

“This babe here says she can best the two of us at once,” Reiner wiggled his eyebrows. Bertolt gulped and looked at him with an utterly bewildered expression. I rolled my eyes.

“TITAN BATTLE!” Jeanette shouted. Every single pair of eyes on the field flashed towards us, the ones belonging to my old folks shone with excitement. Trainees were wary of a potential Shadis threat, but still they inched closer to watch.

“Titan battle!” Natasha yelped, leaving Eren. Nora and Mort joined her. “TITAN BATTLE!”

More trainees gathered around, glancing over their shoulders every now and then in fear of Shadis.

“Go, Titan, go!”

“Go Reiner! Go Bertolt!”

“Go Titan!”

I turned to face Reiner and Bertolt and noticed how the latter's face, previously reddened with the effort he took in sparring, was now strikingly pale, and even more sweaty. 

_Brave boy. I hope he doesn't wet himself... more than he already is._

“Go Titan!” Mort called. Bertolt flinched.

I sighed. I shifted my left leg behind, taking my stance, and so did Reiner. He elbowed Bertolt to do the same.

Two minutes later both guys were splayed in the dirt. I sniffed and yawned. I reached out my hands to help them get up. Both had intense expressions of embarrassment and pain on their faces.

“By the way, Bertolt,” I poked casually, “where are you from?”

“Um...” Bertolt bit his lips, his eyes were darting around.

“We're from South-East of Wall Maria, Bertl and I!” Reiner jumped in, patting his friend's shoulder. I gave him an acknowledging nod, but I frowned. “Why?”

“It's nothing, I saw someone so similar to him once. But that was a long time ago, so easy for a mistake, I guess.” I snorted. “How about another round?” 

Reiner chuckled.

“Why not, it's not like we came here to sit and do nothing.”

Two minutes later I was helping them up again.

* * *

Free days were a tiny bit more frequent than those training cross-overs. I wasn't much of a party person, and during my years on the farm I forgot the feeling of being surrounded by crowds, so I also became fond of spending my free time away from the town... unless I really had to. Instead, I usually occupied myself with reading in the library, or strolling around the grounds and daydreaming. There wasn't much else to do on my own.

One of those free days came and I was slowly walking towards the library, enjoying silence. Some few cadets were scattered outside, enjoying good Summer weather, but most sprinted to the town as soon as the morning came. I sighed through my nose, content and comfortable. I opened the door to the library and I frowned.

Someone was there.

_In my library._

I sneaked around the corner of the bookshelf and saw the intruder. _Of course_ , I thought.

“Up so early, Armin?”

Armin jumped from his seat, the book he was reading closed with a thud.

“You're up early, too...” he smiled sheepishly. I glanced at his book.

“I've read that one last year. It's boring.”

“I guess it is.” He scowled. “But I've never read it before. I've never seen almost any of these books before.”

“I remember it.” I dropped my eyes and one corner of my mouth tilted up. “That was exactly my first reaction.” I looked around, my expression fading. “It's not such a big collection. I've read them all. There aren't many that I'd consider returning to.” I walked over to the wall and sat down on the floor below the window. “But I like coming here, usually the library is empty, so I can at least take a nap if I don't convince myself to reread anything.”

“Oh.” Armin bit his lip. I wonder if he knew how good that looked. “Sorry, then. I didn't want to interrupt your space. I can go read elsewhere.”

I waved my hand, scolding myself internally. 

“Nah, stay. I know you won't make much noise, and that's the kind of company I can enjoy here. It's not a private room anyway, I can't ask anyone out, even if I wanted to, no?” I looked at him, and his face made me immediately add, “but I don't want to. Just stay here and do your thing.”

He smiled shyly and sat down on his chair again. He grunted and pulled his book to himself. I closed my eyes and listened. At first, my ears were in the phase of adjusting themselves to the quiet surroundings, but after a while I could pick up the faintest sound. A small fly buzzing by the window. A distant conversation outside the building. Shuffling of paper every time Armin turned a page. My breath. Armin's breath. My heartbeat echoing in my ears.

“It's boring indeed,” he said after a long while and sighed. He turned in his chair. “Are you asleep?” 

I slowly shook my head, not opening my eyes. 

“You look so peaceful. I don't think I've seen that before,” he mumbled.

I brought up a small, warm smile. I heard him get up and come over. He sat down next to me. I could sense the proximity of his shoulder and leg.

“What brings you to this humble part of the librarian floor?” I asked jocundly. I opened my eyes to let myself look at him. He mimicked my earlier pose, head set to the front, eyes closed, a small smile on his lips. In reply, he raised his hand, a small scrap of paper between his index and middle finger.

“It's a very _interesting_ boring book,” said Armin. He turned his head and gazed at me, a light blush spread on his cheeks. “Y-you left it on the table earlier, didn't you?”

“Didn't write on it _come sit here_ , though. Only-”

“ _This book isn't really boring._ ” Armin's smile grew wider as he repeated the message from the note. “So why did you say it is?”

“And why did you agree with me?” I smirked.

We glared at each other for a moment, until we both turned our faces to the front and chuckled. I nudged his shoulder and we looked at each other again. Armin's blush returned. He bit his lip. 

_Fuck my life. Damn that habit of his._

My heart skipped a beat when he glanced away and inched closer.

“Armin, you there?!”

_Fuck my life._

I sucked in enough air through my nose to almost make my ribs burst and I held my breath. I wanted to murder Eren with my bare hands (and it would not prove difficult). I let out the breath between my lips, not bothering to hide my frustration. I got up and took the book from the table.

“I was actually about to reread it,” I said to Armin. “Hi, Eren. Where's Mikasa?”

“Dunno, I'm not her babysitter.”

“No, but she's yours,” I retorted. Armin giggled and Eren reddened. “Ah, there she is. Can I borrow you for a moment, Mikasa?”

Mikasa shrugged. She took a long glance at Eren before we left the library.

“You three plan to join the Survey Corps, no?” I asked quietly. We strolled around the training field. Since it was a day off, we wore our civilian clothes. Our skirts, hair, and Mikasa's scarf flowed behind us in the wind.

“Eren does,” she said. I brought up a crooked, bitter smile.

“And where Eren goes, you go as well, and Armin goes, too.” I rubbed my forehead. “The two of you, yeah, but Corps is hardly a place for him. He should use his wits instead of going around with an _I'm a titan snack_ tag on his toe.”

“I can protect them. I'm strong.”

“Yes, you are strong.” I nodded without any sarcasm. It was an undeniable truth and I had a great deal of respect and admiration towards her. “But you can't protect two people at once. It's just physically not possible.”

“Then you protect Armin. You are strong, too.”

I snorted. 

“I'll be long dead before you guys join the Corps. Their survival rate isn't the most promising thing to look up to.” I crossed my arms and looked down at Mikasa. “As ridiculous as it sounds in our current times, I don't want any of you to get hurt. And as this will sound even more ridiculous, try not to join the Corps. With your skills, all three of you can make it to the Military Police.”

“So can you,” she pointed out calmly. “You are ranking the first in the top ten. You can join the Police and convince Armin to go after you.”

“If he only has a chance and support, he'll go to the Corps. It's not just about you, he has his own dreams of the outside. Any of us ends up in the Corps, and Armin will go there, too. Besides...” I dropped my gaze to the side. “I don't doubt that in three years, he'll be ready to go even alone, if that's what it takes. He's different now. So much more confident in himself. Mikasa...”

She looked at me, a trace of worry in her stable gaze.

“Please. Promise me that you will take care of him, at least until I can. And after I won't be there.”

“So he is that important to you,” she remarked. “I've been doing that for a long time already. I will.”

“Thank you. _Important..._ ” I repeated, chewing the word, thinking years back. “I guess you could call it that.”

We sat down on a bench before the mess hall, watching a group of four recruits playing truth or dare on the barracks' doorsteps.

“So you are going to Survey Corps,” she said. I nodded. We remained there in silence, observing the surroundings, taking in the good conditions. 

“How's Dagny?” she inquired after a while. A light breeze rolled over, clinging to our clothes.

“I told her not to enlist,” I said simply. “But I don't think it was necessary, she wouldn't do it anyway. It's just not her thing, thank god,” I sighed. “I haven't seen her since I came here. We exchange letters, though. She moved to Jinae with Molly, a friend of ours from the farm. They work in a bakery. With Dagny's looks, she's complaining she constantly has boys and girls fawning over her.” I smiled. “She's going to be all right.”

“Oi, ladies!”

I rolled my eyes. 

“What do you want, Jean?”

Jeanette jogged over with a shit-eating grin.

“Vanya sneaked into Shadis' office and peeked at his top ten list for our year,” she murmured with utter excitement. “I'm the second!”

“You call that a surprise?” I smiled. “If so, congratulations. However, if you feel the need to smother me in my sleep to be the first – fuck off.”

Jeanette snickered and sat down next to me. 

“Mort is third, Nora fourth, Natasha fifth, Vanya sixth. Then there's that shithole Vinnie, and Connor is eighth. Matt and Lance are ninth and tenth.”

“I pegged Lance for at least fifth,” I scowled. “But there's still 6 months till graduation, this is all very preliminary. I might break my neck in 5 weeks and you can end up the first.”

“Shut up. Oi, Mikasa,” Jeanette leaned forward to look at her past me. “I've heard you are typed for the first in your squad. I knew you would be, after she said that back when you brats joined.”

“Is that so?” she asked indifferently.

“Yeah, Titan's good at this stuff. She pegged 8 out of our top ten after the second month of our training, and the two others by the end of the third month.” Jeanette's eyes gleamed with amusement. “Come to think of it... who else do you peg from Mikasa's year?”

I rested my back and head on the scratchy, splintery wall and closed my eyes, calculating.

“Reiner and Annie, those for sure. Hoover, he's good with 3DMG, though he's got some serious incentive issues. Jean, definitely; the equine folk seems to have it in their manes and names.” I smirked at Jeanette. “How the hell is it possible that you are not related? You both are dicks, too.” 

Mikasa smiled a little. 

“I peg Marco for sixth," I continued. "Ymir will get on the list with no problems. What's her last name, by the way? I don't think I've ever heard it.” Jeanette shrugged. “Anyway... I'd give a peg for Connie and Potato Girl, too, I guess. And, of course, Eren. Although I had serious doubts when I saw him land his face in dirt when you started with 3DMG. Boy, was that hilarious...”

“Too bad we won't be here to see if you were right,” Jeanette sighed dramatically. “But I don't doubt your skills here, you pegged the 103rd squad without an error for the last year's preliminaries as well.”

“I pegged someone else for the first.” I deadpanned. “That's enough of an error.”

“Starting with that again, Titan?”

“Oh, shut your mouth, horse-shit, or I'll titanize your ass.”

“I'll go get some dinner,” said Mikasa standing up. “Eren and Armin are coming.”

Jeanette brought up a nasty smile. I kicked her.


	4. Soot, snow, ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another cross-over training task, involving lots of snow, lots of cold, and lots of climbing. And some fluff.

Weeks were passing fast; Autumn had ended and the first week of December brought snow and freezing wind. I didn't mind such conditions at all, but I was one of very few in this manner. The next day held another cross-over, this time with a prepared exercise of using maps in an unknown area to make our way there and back again. Where was the _there_ , we were supposed to be told the following morning.

 _I only hope it won't be mountains_ , I thought while scrambling myself under blankets to find the most comfortable position between Nora, Jeanette, and Natasha. I didn't mind cold weather but they did, and it became a tradition for them to end up in my bunk like a bunch of rats to share warmth. Or, to be exact, stealing it from me.

“Jean, I'm pretty sure you meant to squeeze Nora, but our boobs are totally different sizes,” I groaned, turning myself on the other side. Natasha snored.

“Oi, lesbian gang, shut your assholes,” hissed Vinnie from the bunk below.

“Our assholes are still prettier than your mug,” Jeanette retorted sleepily.

“Shut your mouths, everyone,” I groaned. “You are going to regret all that by this time tomorrow. Sleep.” 

Sighs and snores of different measures rolled around the dormitory. There were 14 of us in this room. 

_Please, let it not be the mountains_ , I thought again before I fell asleep. _Let it not be Vinnie in my team._

* * *

The morning was tough. No one wanted to leave the safe, albeit a bit stinky warmth of the blankets. The dormitory room was chilly, and the completely frosted window spoke clearly about the weather outside. I sat up and stretched. Blankets slid down, exposing the girls.

“Fucking shit fuck, are you trying to murder us?” Jeanette whined. She dived under, entangling herself in Nora. Natasha gasped.

“Jean, you pervert, that's mine!”

“Jean...” I rolled my eyes. “Could you _at least_ wait until Nat and I leave the bunk?”

“Neither of you had any problems with it two hours earlier.” Jeanette cackled. 

I rubbed my face with a sigh, and Nat jumped out of the bed, muttering foul words. Vinnie glared at us. 

_Please, not in my team_ , I begged in my head. Accompanied by whines, groans, yawns and whimpers, we dressed up as thickly as possible.

* * *

The mess hall was filled with half-asleep, half-frozen cadets. Mort and Vanya napped with their heads on the table, empty bowls pushed aside. Natasha sneaked up and nearly pressed her mouth to Vanya's ear before she made a very loud, gross, slurping sound. Vanya squealed like a child and jumped, eliciting waves of laughter in his proximity. Still shaking with giggles, we made our way to get food.

“Hi, folks,” I greeted Armin, Mikasa, and Eren. Mikasa nodded, Eren groaned something incoherent.

“Morning.” Armin smiled. “I've heard you're the leader of one of the squads. Who's on it?”

“Dunno. Shadis will tell us after we arrive at the stand point and give the leaders the maps.” I took a bowl of steaming porridge and shrugged. Armin gulped in a spoonful of his while we made our way to the table. “I just hope I won't get Vinnie. She got pissed big deal last night.”

“Why?” Eren asked, looking a bit less sleepy.

“Our Jean and Nora apparently fucked in my bunk, which is above Vinnie's.”

Armin choked.

“And why weren't _you_ in your bunk?” Eren inquired, now not sleepy at all.

“Didn't say I wasn't.” I patted Armin's back to help him catch a breath. “Nat was sleeping there, too.”

“Did you just say you four fucked each other last night in your bunk?” Reiner called, drawing everyone's attention.

“Yep!” I spoke up. “Sorry we didn't invite you! Bertl, Krista, Ymir, Mikasa, and Sasha said you couldn't take that much. Especially that Kirstein withdrew after he withstand the first two minutes.”

Everyone I mentioned (except Mikasa and Ymir) blushed furiously. Kirstein stood up and started throwing obscenities at me, while Reiner looked like he was about to choke on his own tongue, as he probably laughed the loudest in the whole mess hall.

The merry moment was interrupted when Shadis stormed in. All sound vanished, leaving field for the instructor's furious breath and the howling wind outside.

“Bunch of shit-eating maggots! Front gate in 10 minutes! Move it!”

* * *

“You gotta be kidding me.”

Jeanette stared at her squad. It contained Eren, Jean, and Vinnie. I pitied her. Eren and Jean weren't bad by themselves, but having both of them in proximity was just asking for it. And then, of course, there was Vinnie. Yes, I definitely pitied Jeanette.

Nora got Mikasa, Sasha, and Mina. Connor had Connie, Reiner, and Nat. I had Armin, Bertolt, and Mort. Ymir and Christa had only Franz with them, since their fourth companion appeared to had stayed in the infirmary with a broken leg. Marco, Vanya, Hanna, and Annie were in the last squad. I decided that my squad was the safest. Armin had his brains, Mort knew his ways around forests and mountains, and Bertolt would simply do whatever he was told.

“You've got your maps, maggots! Move it! MOVE IT! The first team back gets extra points to the grades, the rest gets shit!” Shadis yelled his lungs out; clouds of steamy breaths erupted from his throat.

I stared at the mountains before us. I sighed.

* * *

When the sun finally showed, it was high up while we arrived at a huge rock that marked the first quarter of our trek. I looked around with my eyelids squinted. The light was reflecting in the snow, stinging my eyes painfully. I took off my backpack, slid off my glove, and shuffled my hand inside to pull out a tiny tin box.

“How about some make up, ladies?” I asked cheerfully. I untwisted the lid and used the inside as a mirror to watch while I smudged black substance around my eyes. The final effect was wavering between ridiculous and creepy, but the purpose was served – my eyes could relax.

“Is that soot?” Mort stepped closer. He was 5'11 and wiry, but the amount of clothes he wore made him look like a smaller version of Reiner. “Good idea, I haven't thought of that.” He dipped his finger in the box and circled his eyes as well. We glanced at Armin and Bertolt, who were watching us in bewilderment.

“Move your butts,” I said. “It looks funny, but you'll be kissing my feet after we get to the night shelter.”

And that's how my raccoon team carried on. The snow was more than five feet deep in the worst places, and the wind was throwing it around as it pleased, creating drifts with edges as sharp as a knife. The sky was deep, deep blue, the horizon pale, sun small and white-yellow. There was something uplifting about this, seeing those views and having a chance to see even more thanks to the effort, knowing there is shelter before us, and that we can do it together.

“Any of you Titans see the fucking Claw Rock?” Mort panted after what felt like an hour.

“Since when _Bertolt_ is a Titan?” I asked, turning to face the three of my team mates. Bertolt was completely pale and his eyes were perfectly round. “Look at the poor boy, Mort, he's obviously hurt.”

“It's n-nothing.” Bertl attempted a smile.

“Sorry, Bertolt,” said Mort, scratching the back of his neck. “Everyone is just used to calling _her_ a Titan and I got carried away. I forgot it's not a nice thing to say at all.”

“N-no worries.”

“Come on.” I waved my hand. 

Snow was shallow here and for a moment we could march with ease. Armin sped up to walk next to me. 

“Something on your mind?” I raised my eyebrows. Before he answered, we reached a break and I looked down. “There's your Claw Rock, Mort. Guide the way. Let's go down and take a breath.” Mort sighed with relief and passed us to lead the team. “You okay there, Bertolt?” I glanced back over my shoulder. Bertolt only nodded, focusing on the trampled snow before his feet. “I think Mort really overkilled,” I murmured quietly to Armin. He frowned. “Anyway, did you want to say something?”

“O-oh, it can wait,” Armin smiled weakly. “Let's get to the rock first, I'd very much like to have a minute off.” 

I nodded.

“Go on, I'll talk to the poor guy.” Armin gave me a small hesitant glance, but he followed Mort. “Come on, Bertolt. Are you tired?” Bertolt shook his head. I sighed. “Listen... Mort sometimes doesn't think things through, he didn't mean to ca-”

“I've said it's okay, no offence taken,” said Bertolt calmly, without a trace of his usual shyness. “I'm rather tall in the end, though I'd not like being called a titan.” 

I blinked.

“Oh... oh. Good. All right. Let's go, then.” Not waiting for his response, I skipped after Armin. I felt unrest crawling under the skin of my neck.

* * *

The sun slowly crawled West and by the time we reached the Claw Rock, it was about to go behind the mountain range. The valley was filled with orange-gold-red light, tinting everything into warm shades, giving an illusion of cosiness. I huffed, observing the surroundings.

“The shelter should be not far from here, about half an hour down the valley,” I said. “Armin, could you show me the map?”

“Sure.” Armin took off his backpack and shuffled inside. He pulled out a short, thick safety tube and slid out the paper. I held it up.

“Yeah, I'm right,” I mumbled. “There's the Second Claw, we can see it from here,” I pointed West. The formation shadowed over its surroundings less than a half way from the end of the valley. “The shelter is just a tiny bit further.” I rolled the map and gave it back to Armin. “We should go right away, it's going to get dark and much colder, better get there earlier. We need to take into consideration that we might have to collect wood before we sit down. Come on, ladies.”

“Armin, y-you dropped this,” Bertolt called hesitantly. He reached his long arm to show a neatly folded piece of paper. “It fell out when you searched f-for the map. I didn't r-read it, no worries.”

Armin thanked nervously and hid the scrape in his pocket.

“I fucking hate winter,” Mort growled. “Do titans even walk around in winter? It's not like they dress their asses up for cold.”

The snow was a little bit wet, I noticed when we marched on. 

_It should make a hard, frozen layer for tomorrow_ , I thought. _It was quite of use last year, maybe we'll make it first this time. I'm ranking top anyway, but Armin might need those extra points._

* * *

The sunlight was now only a memory. Moon was not in the visual range yet; only the stars decorated the sky and if it wasn't for the blasted snow and the one pitiful lantern, we'd not see a thing. We passed the Second Claw later then I anticipated, but we eventually made it to the shelter. An unimpressive, tiny, wooden hut without windows, with doors so small that even Armin would have to bend his neck to get through. A narrow pipe was sticking up in the middle, indicating some kind of fireplace. I pushed the door open and took the lantern from Mort. I extended my hand to the interior and took a peek.

“Well, good news is that we shouldn't be too cold even if we don't find wood,” I announced. “Bad news is that we'll have to decide how the four of us is going to fit in, especially giving mine and Bertl's sizes.”

The hut consisted of one chamber, roughly nine by nine feet, six feet high in the centre and about two feet high where the two-sloped roof met the shorter walls. A two by two feet fireplace in the middle was filled with a thick layer of frozen soot. I crouched in and placed the lantern on the beam before I crawled further to sit by the opposite, taller wall.

“Make yourself at home, just make it quick,” I said. “We need to collect wood.”

“I'll do it,” offered Mort. “Let me just dump this sack, my back is killing me.” He removed his baggage and threw it inside. “Come on, Bertl, we'll make it faster together.”

Bertolt left his backpack outside and followed Mort. I sighed. I sneaked on all fours to the entrance and pulled Bertolt's backpack in, aided by Armin, who was pushing it. He half-forced the door to close and sat down on Bertl's pack, panting.

“You okay?” I asked quietly. Armin glanced at me and pulled down his scarf, showing the lower half of his face, and sniffed. His pudgy nose and cheeks were red with cold, lips chapped, and his hair clang to his sweaty skin. The soot around his eyes smudged and streaked down a little with sweat, making him look very, very sad.

“A bit tired,” he uttered, trying to calm his breath.

“Lucky tough you, I'm about to either faint or fall asleep on the spot, I haven't decided yet.” I smiled tiredly.

“Are you okay?” He frowned and crawled off Bertolt's backpack to sit next to me.

“A bit tired,” I mimicked him. I leaned the back of my head against the cold wall and let out a deep sigh. “As much as I don't mind cold, I hate mountains.” 

Armin chuckled, but then he frowned again and poked me lightly. I opened my eyes and glanced back at him.

“You seemed bothered after you talked to Bertolt,” he remarked. “Did he say something bad to you?”

“Can you honestly imagine _Bertolt_ saying something bad?” I smiled at him pityingly. “No... I'd say this guy is full of surprises, that's all.”

“Ah.” Armin tilted his head in confirmation. “He showed his firm side, didn't he? I was a bit surprised when he did that the first time, when Reiner and he took Eren to give him lessons.”

“Something of the sort, I guess.” I shrugged. “Are we really discussing Bertolt, or are you going to tell me what was on that paper that made you almost scream when you saw him holding it?”

“Oh.” Armin gulped. A raging blush spread all over his face, joining the redness that was earlier brought with cold air. My heart skipped forward twice as fast. “Well... I thought... umm...” He blinked slowly and averted his gaze to the side, pretending to examine the fireplace. “Uh, I'm not good with this stuff,” he grunted.

“Is it about... me?” I whispered, feeling blush creeping up my face as well. _He's going to say it_ , I thought in panic. _He's going to kiss me. Fuck my life, he's going to do that._ All that flashed through my head between two fast heartbeats. I swallowed thickly.

“Yes.” His voice came out almost as quiet as a breath. “I look up to you so mu- uhh, I mean, I didn't mean, oh shit...” He hid his face in his hands.

“Armin,” I spoke softly. I placed my hands on his shoulders and turned him to face me. I was sure my cheeks were about to swell with this blush intensity, but I continued. “Calm down.” He slowly let his hands down and peeked at me shyly. “Take a deep breath.” He followed. “Close your eyes.” When he did so, I removed my hands from his shoulders and crawled slightly away from him. “You have a good imagination, Armin. Imagine I'm not here... or I'm here, but asleep. Imagine that.”

A short while passed. I began to wonder when Mort and Bertl would barge in with the wood.

“I- I don't think it's working,” Armin whimpered, opening his eyes. I bit my lips and averted my gaze. I giggled.

“Look at us,” I uttered, trying to stop chuckling. “Two great cadets, about to be soldiers in fucked up times, halfway through a murderous task, blushing and stuttering like children.” Armin seemed taken aback for a moment, but he joined the laugh. “We're just perfect for each other.”

“My thoughts exactly.” He nodded, still shaking with giggles.

Silence fell.

_Awkward._

“Well.” I uttered, afraid to look at him. “So... what was on that paper?”

Armin coughed.

“Tips. In case... I did... um, what I was doing until a minute ago.”

Mort and Bertolt opened the door to be flooded with uncontrolled, hysterical cackling.

“Fuck my life,” I squealed, tears pouring down my cheeks, sinking into my scarf. I was clutching my stomach, bent forward, out of breath. Armin was sitting with his head tilted to the side, his hand covering his eyes and forehead, he was shaking with laughter.

“Good to see we did all the work for you,” commented Mort, throwing a pile of branches onto the fireplace. Bertolt squeezed in after him, switching puzzled glances between me and Armin.

“Great job, ladies,” I panted, barely able to push a word through my tired throat. I crawled towards the door. “Now make it a nice fire, I have to pee.”

“Need an escort?” Mort called after me.

“You are gay, Mort!” I shouted back.

“I was going to offer Armin!”

* * *

The tight size of the cabin had one advantage: after we packed ourselves in and made a cosy little fire, the temperature went up without a problem. The snow that it was all covered in provided extra isolation to keep the warmth inside. There was, however, a problem. Naturally, a square hut had four walls that we could fit by, one person by one wall. And, just as naturally, one wall had the entrance.

No one wanted to sleep by the door.

“No volunteers, really?” I sighed, poking my spoon into the empty can. Heating up food proved easier than eating it. “It's not going to bite you.”

“It's going to bite right into my ass, can't you feel that draft?” Mort pouted.

“Plug it with something,” I shrugged.

“With your ass.”

I groaned. 

“Well then, if none of you is going to sleep by the door, two of you will have to politely hug each other and sleep by one wall. And hug tightly, if you don't want to burn your ass in the fireplace instead.”

“You're talking like it doesn't concern you,” Mort smirked. It was _that_ smirk. Fuck my life.

“I'm the team leader.” I raised my eyebrows.

“So you can show us all your care and protectiveness and grab one of us under your mighty wings and press to your motherly bosom,” he remarked with vicious amusement.

“Speak about my boobs like that again and you're sleeping outside,” I barked.

“All right then.” Mort rolled his eyes dramatically. “Armin, you go hug Bertolt. It is I, your superior in age, that tells you to overcome your... um...”

“Tha-that's not a good idea,” Bertolt squeaked.

“Huh? Why not?” I looked at him curiously. Not that I preferred a different solution, but I was curious indeed. Armin scratched the nape of his neck.

“Umm, Bertolt isn't really a calm sleeper,” he said. “You never know what pose he'll wake up in the next morning. There was that time when-”

“Okay, I get it,” I cut in. Poor Bertolt was so red he almost steamed in the air. “So, Bertolt, you are free. Mort, you are definitely not sleeping with Armin, you pervert.”

“And I'm definitely not sleeping with you!” Mort pressed himself into the wall. “You don't provide enough free space for me, you'll take a deeper breath and that motherly bosom of yours will push me right into the fire.”

“I'm going to push this chimney right up your ass if you say _bosom_ again,” I warned him. I closed my eyes. “All right then. Armin, you sleep with me.” I glared at Mort, who was about to open his mouth. “Not. A. Word. About. Any. Bosoms.”

 _Perfect_ , I thought, laying on my side, spooning Armin. We had two sets of sleeping bags and floor mats, which of course was a positive thing, but I couldn't care less. I hummed and buried my face in his hair. Armin shivered.

“Cold?” I whispered. Mort's snoring accumulated to a crescendo and he huffed before he snored again.

“N-no,” he murmured. “You are one h-hell of a strategist.” I wrapped my arm around him and pulled his back closer to my chest. He gingerly pressed his hand to my forearm and sighed.

“If you guys are gonna fuck,” Mort mumbled, shifting in his sleeping bag, “do it outside and let me sleep.”

Armin gulped.


	5. Little lantern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The winter task continues...

That morning, Mort and I for the first time witnessed Bertolt's power.

The three of us: Armin, Mort, and me, woke up in the exact same spots... well, I was squeezing Armin like a soft teddy bear, but judging by his stance, he didn't mind that at all. As soon as I realised what I was doing, I withdrew my arms to my sides with an awkward grunt.

The fire was out and we barely could make out any shapes inside the shack, save for the vague outlines visible thanks to the little dim light that managed to flow down the narrow chimney pipe. I could distinct the puffs of my warm breath in the cold, cold air. I squinted my eyes; there was something spread throughout the middle of the shack that definitely shouldn't be there. Mort tried to sit up, but he forgot about the low ceiling and he hit it with his head so hard that I thought I heard his brain bounce inside his skull.

“FUCK! Fucking holy fuck fucking shit of a fucking shelter,” Mort yelped, falling back onto the floor, pressing his hands to the back of his head.

The bump was apparently violent enough to shake some snow off of the top of the chimney and more light squeezed into the dark space.

It hit the out-of-place shapes. They were limbs. There was also torso, butt, and a head. In no particular order. I carefully sat up and tilted my head at different angles, trying to grasp how this puzzle came to be.

“Bertolt?”

We heard a gasp, and a cloud of ash arose from the proximity of the head. It looked like someone tightened strings, a lot of strings, to pull together a loosely set puppet. Finally, I could see an actual human body. Bertolt sat up. His face was covered in ash. His sleeping bag was scrambled by the wall, all cold and lonely.

“Astonishing,” I said bewildered to Armin, who pushed himself to a sitting position as well.

“Bertolt, how come you are not stiff and fucking covered in frost?” Mort croaked from a pile that probably contained him somewhere inside.

“I... uh, I'm not really... cold,” Bertolt muttered sheepishly, trying to wipe the ash off of his face.

“That I figure.” Mort crawled out of his pile and put special care not to hit his head again.

“Let's eat something and head out,” I said. “We'll get that damn flag and march back to the base. I'm sick of this mouse house.”

“Your turn to collect wood,” Mort mumbled, massaging the back of his head. I frowned.

“Don't tell me you didn't collect enough for today...” I plastered my hand over my eyes in resignation. “ _Bertolt_ , I get that this is _your_ first time, but _you_ , Mort? It's our 5th winter task... We are not going to make it first now, you moron.”

“Well...” Armin scowled. “We can eat it cold.”

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Mort said quietly.

“Go outside and check what time we have.”

While the rest of us was digging into our backpacks for the doubtful breakfast delicacy, Mort cracked the door open to peer through it. A freezing draft barged in, carrying with it a cloud of dry snow.

“I'd say it's not later than half an hour after sunrise,” Mort announced, closing the door.

“Well, at least the timing is good,” I said. “Dig in, ladies, and we are out.”

Mort's bad feeling about breakfast could not have proven truer. Tasteless, bland, heavy goo with small chunks of an unidentified _something_ was bad enough when heated up, but when cold... I barely forced myself to gulp it down.

After a brief break for a morning outdoor loo (without the actual loo), we armoured ourselves in the thick coats and scarves, dragged on the heavy backpacks, and ventured outside. Mort directed his middle finger at the chicken-sized hut, particularly at its roof. I thought that my memories of this place would be on of an entirely different mood.

I glanced over my shoulder at Armin, who was already red and sweaty after walking up the slope for over an hour, just like Mort and most likely me. Bertolt was sweaty, too, but I guessed that it was his usual humidity, since the tone of his face didn't change a bit. Armin caught my gaze and his cheeks burned several shades of red deeper, although his eyes narrowed and glimmered a bit in a smile that was otherwise hidden under his scarf.

“Quit starefucking each other and move your asses,” Mort growled. “I'm sick of freezing my toes off.”

I snorted and sent him an amused look.

“I think we could pull this off ten times faster if we get the flag and then walk right back to the dispatch point. Snow will make it easier to see in the dark, and the way back is going to be harder,” I remarked. “That way we should be first.”

“I guess.” Mort shrugged. “But we'll have to be careful, it's tougher to spot danger without daylight.”

“We'll go along our own footsteps, what danger?” I raised my eyebrows.

“She's right,” Armin cut in. “I memorised all the risky spots, so we'll be fine.”

“I want to marry your brain, you majestic fucking eagle,” Mort mocked a tearful whimper.

“Majestic fu- _what?_ ”

* * *

The whole day went remarkably fine: we reached the flag less than two hours after we had left the shelter, and by the evening we could see the lights of the shack at the dispatch point, a long way down from the slope we stood at.

“Do you think someone's made it already?” Armin asked quietly as he sped up to walk beside me.

“I doubt it. The plan was to get the flag and go back to shelter, so we'll most likely get there a long time before the others.”

“I just hope that Shadis won't kick our asses for not sticking to the schedule,” Mort mumbled.

“I think it might be difficult...” Bertolt suddenly spoke up. The rest of us turned to peer at him. “Look over there.” He reached out his long arm and pointed his finger to the left. Our eyes followed in the direction.

“That's...” I squinted. “That's a lamp. Someone's going down the slope there.”

“Fuck!” Mort hit his forehead. “I bet that's Vanya.”

“They still have a longer way to the shelter than us, though,” Bertolt remarked.

I took a deep breath.

“All right, let's go. Big steps, boys. Big steps.”

Every couple of minutes I peered at the tiny, weak point of light in the distance. Bertolt was right – it seemed as if we were closer to the base than the other group. I smiled under my scarf. I estimated that we should be done in less than an hour.

We reached the forest at the foot of the mountains and the goal and rivals were obscured from our view. I gripped our own pathetic lantern and strained my eyes to stare ahead.

Half an hour.

Twenty minutes.

Quarter of an hour.

We left the forest and saw the barrack – so much closer than I expected, but still good ten minutes ahead. A hill hid the light carried by the other team, but judging by our observations so far, they shouldn't be anywhere as near as we were.

“Come on!” Mort bellowed. “Just a little more!”

His impatience clearly influenced the rest of the team and we sped up – that is, until I heard how heavily Armin was panting. I glanced over my shoulder at him and a worried frown crept up my face. He pulled down his scarf and although I couldn't see that in the dark, I was sure he was all red and sweating; each raspy exhale floated behind him in white wisps and his bare hands were gripping onto the straps of his backpack so hard that the knuckles turned white. He felt my stare and he scowled, averting his gaze to the side, clearly embarrassed.

He chose a bad moment to not look under his feet.

One moment, Armin was stretching his steps as much as he could, heaving and glaring, the next moment there was that short yelp – actually, not high pitched, contrary to what I had ever expected – and then, he was splayed in the snow, face down. He lifted himself up on his elbows, then on his hands; in the meantime, I had already passed the lantern to Bertolt and was just about to squat beside Armin.

“Are you all right?” I heaved, exhaling small clouds of white. Armin got to his knees and I reached my hand to him – he grasped it and I pulled him up.

“Yeah, I- aah-ooowww!” He scowled and immediately raised his right foot from the ground. He closed his eyes and sighed. “No.”

I scratched my head under my hood.

“I can't keep up this pace now,” he murmured. “We are going to lose because of me.”

 _This is bad_ , I thought. _Whatever we do, he's going to feel like a burden._

I sneezed.

“Armin, what do you think is the best option?” Mort asked.

_Oh boy, here comes That Tone again._

“If it wasn't for the fact that all of us have to show up to score, I'd tell you to leave me behi- OUCH! What was that for?!”

“For being a dumbass.” Mort sighed dramatically. “We have the strongest person of the 102nd squad on the team, don't we?”

_Oh god._

“Give your backpack to me, Bertl will take hers and carry the lantern, and she will carry you.”

_I hate you, Mort. I'm gonna tell Vanya you got pinworms._

Armin's face went blank for a heartbeat.

“That might work,” he agreed quietly. He did a good job with hiding consternation and resignation in his voice and I suspected that he fooled the two other guys, but I spent enough time with him in such situations to catch the hint of that tone.

“Actually,” I spoke up, stretching my lips in a vicious smirk, “we just faked it, so you two would carry our backpacks and Armin would have a higher point to look around. If you want to withdraw your suggestion, well, too bad. Too late.” I took off my backpack and dumped it at Bertolt's feet.

“You little shits...” Mort mumbled. “Wait. Armin is a _little_ shit, _you_ are a colossal one.” He fixed his hood and approached Armin. “All right. Give me your backpack.”

“You didn't have to say that,” Armin murmured into my ear when we resumed the trek. I was trying to ignore the fact that he had his arms and legs wrapped around me while I was carrying him in a piggyback, and that his face was right next to mine, my hair was brushing his cheek. Or rather, I was trying to ignore how that made me feel. Especially how his chest, stomach, hips, and... his... umm... how he was pressed to my back.

“What... exactly?” I steadied my grip under his knees.

“You said it to make me feel better.” Armin sniffed. It sounded like his nose was stuffed. “I... appreciate that... but... it doesn't change the fact that I'm slowing you down and I'm a burden and-”

“Armin... would you... kindly... shut up...” I panted. “You are not... a burden. We are way... ahead of... schedule anyway, so... a little... delay won't make a difference. And do... consider that it could've... been me... with my ankle twisted... or broken... or whatever happened to yours. It was only... bad luck, nothing else. You... are not a burden.”

“If we were outside the Walls-”

“We are not. This is... just a... stupid training task. Get it into... your head.”

“I- Bertolt, kill the light!” Armin yelped.

“Huh?” Bertolt turned around to peer at us in bewilderment.

“Do it, or they'll notice us! They are ahead now!”

Bertolt opened the little glass door in the lantern and blew out the candle. I squinted and noticed that indeed, the tiny speck of light in the distance, which we had suspected to come from another team's lantern, seemed to be closer to the standpoint than we were at that moment.

“Now they can't see us,” Armin said. “We aren't too much behind, so we can still get there first if we-”

“Gallop, ladies! Gallop!” It wasn't louder than Armin's words, but it had an intensity of a shout; I tightened my hold and sprang forward. “We are almost there!”

The world narrowed to a mixture of heavy breaths, heartbeats pounding in my ears, the snow, Bertolt's long legs nearly blurring in the speed before me, Armin's desperate grip around my shoulders and waist, the warm glow seeping out of the windows of the barrack, growing closer and closer-

“YES!” Mort bellowed, not bothering to slow down enough and ramming his whole body at the door. “FIRST! FUCKING FIRST!”

The impact made him bounce off the door and land on his ass in the trampled snow. I carefully let Armin down and hunched to keep my hold under his elbow. I looked down to him and frowned before I pulled his hood back on his head. Armin grunted and gazed away.

We heard footsteps inside the building and the door opened, revealing Shadis. A sleepy, clad in pyjamas and a haphazardly thrown on robe, sincerely pissed Shadis. He narrowed his eyes. All four of us gulped and prepared for having our ears blown off.

It didn't really last long. We were told how “ignoring the schedule was fucking dangerous and that we had a stack of shit for brains, and how Shadis had not expected Armin to agree to follow such fucking idiotic plan, how we received two months of everyday stable duty, and how we made it first, so the fucking points would be noted.”

“And have someone check on that ankle, Arlert!”

“Yes, sir!”

All four of us watched Shadis go back to wherever he came from (which raised a suspicion that the barrack had a hidden gate to Hell) and once he disappeared from our sight, we exhaled in relief. Mort shrugged off Armin's backpack.

“I'm never carrying two backpacks like this,” he groaned. “I'd rather have the other one pinned to my own instead of having this shit bumping up and down my chest. I'm gonna puke, it smashed into my stomach worse than Larue last month.” He removed his scarf and started unbuttoning his coat. “Anyway, you better take care of Armin's ankle, it might be really swollen already.”

“Me?” I raised my eyebrows.

“Who else? Bertl and I are going to dump the backpacks and shit and find a piece of floor to sleep on.”

“Thank you,” Armin mumbled.

After we took off our own coats, we plopped down on a bench by the wall. I lifted Armin's injured leg onto my lap and glanced at him.

“I'm going to take off your boot, so brace yourself.”

He nodded apathetically. He scowled and clenched his teeth when I swiftly pulled the boot off, but made no sound whatsoever. I rolled off the thick woollen sock and bit my lips. The ankle was reddened and swollen. I carefully ran my fingers over it, gently pressing, trying to feel any suspicious bumps or moving parts.

“I don't think it's broken,” I spoke up after a while. I glanced at Armin and immediately straightened my back. “Armin?”

He didn't throw me as much as even a single peek. His eyes were cast downwards and to the side, he was blushing, his lips were quivering, and his eyebrows were drawn close enough to create a strong wrinkle between them.

“Armin...”

“All I'm doing is disappointing the others and slowing y- them down,” he whispered. “I shouldn't have enlisted.”

I grabbed my backpack and shuffled my hand in to find a roll of bandages. I delicately wrapped some around his ankle, making sure not to make it either too tight nor too loose. I tied the ends into a neat bow, and let go of his foot.

“You are not.”

“Huh?”

I sighed.

“Armin, you are not a disappointment, and you don't slow anyone down. It's true that you aren't the strongest physically, but your wits saved Eren, saved Mikasa, saved a lot of others... saved me... plenty of times. And I'm sure it's going to stay this way.” I stood up and turned to sit on my heels in front of him, I grasped his hand in both of mine and stared up at him. Such a weird feeling, having to tilt my head up to look at someone, so consciously... it's been a long time. Armin gulped and he blushed even worse.

“Wh-what-”

“I would love to switch places with you.” I scowled. “Though on the other hand, you'd have to go through with what's it like to be me, and I wouldn't wish you that.”

“Stop it.”

I _did_ shut up instantly. He smiled a little. Finally.

“You are brilliant just as you are,” he said quietly. “I guess we have the same habit of not believing in ourselves like this.”

I smiled back.

“I suppose you are correct.”

Armin swallowed thickly, glanced to the side, then peeked at me...

He leaned down...

Closer...

My breath stopped...

_Closer..._

He gingerly pressed his lips to mine.

It was just a little moment, a couple of heartbeats, but it was enough to make my head spin and my heart doing crazy races under my ribs. Armin tilted back slightly and we exchanged the same utterly awkward and nervous grins.

No Mort to throw in stupid comments, no trainees to giggle and stare, nothing to intrude-

The front door opened, sending in a cloud of snow and a freezing draft. Armin and I darted from each other, expecting whistles and teasing, but...

Connie was carrying Nat on his back. Reiner was carrying Connor and by some inhuman skill he also was holding the lantern. Nat and Connor were not moving nor reacting in any way.

Connie turned his tear-stained face to me and let out a strangled sob.

* * *

We were later told that an avalanche had hit Connor's group. While Reiner and Connie somehow had managed to make it out without much problem, they had been too late when they finally had reached Nat and Connor, who had suffocated under the snow.

That was the last cross-over task we had with the first years, who were instead occasionally training with the 103rd squad, while we – the 102nd – were being driven to the brink of breakdown with the amount of conditioning and tests before the graduation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let the killing commence.


	6. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here come the final exam and the graduation day. And...

The day began sunny and warmer than the whole previous month. Spring had finally stepped in and the last week of March seemed promising, every last bit of snow had melted and evaporated – even those hidden in the shade on the north sides of the barracks; green sprouts covered the dead, brown yesteryear's grass, and among those, there were hoards of snowdrops and crocuses. Today's sky was deep, deep blue, cloudless, and filled with birds and bugs.

No one from the 102nd squad had any time to spend on admiring the aura, though: we were doing the last check-ups on our gear, all of us lined up at a standpoint at the forest's edge. Everyone knew the drill by heart, since it had been most of our training schedule the past weeks, over, and over, and over, and over, until the leather straps seemed to have seared into our skin and the trigger guns merged with our hands, if the callouses and the rough, darkened, thickened lines of skin on our bodies were anything to go by. I hooked my index finger under my chest strap and scratched, remembering the agony of getting used to the gear three years ago. The blisters, the chafes, the blood and bruises, the stinking ointments and salicylic spirit, bandages, scabs, new blisters and chafes so deep they formed ugly, dark scars, skin thickening and peeling, trying to accommodate the new routine...

I stretched my lips in a grim, satisfied smirk. Here it was. All adjusted and shaped. My skin under the straps was an armour on its own: lines of scratchy, rough, hardened tissue. My hands were broken in the same way one breaks in new leather shoes, accustomed and used to their job to the point of comfort. My body wasn't made of steel – it was all bone, muscle, and seasoned hide, so much deadlier.

 _And it's a fucking lot of bone and muscle_ , I snorted in thought. _And I'm so eloquent about it. Poet, my ass._

I had not grown even a quarter of an inch since my last measuring four months ago. 

6'7. 

_What a blessing._

On the other hand, from what I had heard, Armin had grown whole two inches during that time, and he could stand proudly at his 5'8, nearly as tall as Eren. Not that I had spoken to him too often – the daily schedule in the 102nd consisted of waking up, eating, theory, conditioning, sparring, conditioning, eating, 3DMG training, conditioning, 3DMG, more 3DMG, conditioning, eating, sleeping, with a shower thrown in every now and then. By the evening everyone was so drained that social interactions had been cut down to sharing pain in silence and seldom conversations composed of grunts and groans that were too incoherent for anyone outside of our squad to comprehend.

Bottom line: since that little... um... _kiss_... nothing big happened. An occasional lingering touch, long glances, mostly during meals, or a brief conversation in those rare moments when I wasn't completely exhausted, a small blush, a timid smile.

And... yes, there was that time when we spent hours in one careful hug, with Armin timidly stroking my hair. But there were also my tears, sobs that shook my whole body and snot that would trail down to my upper lip if my face wasn't buried in his shoulder, which ended up with a huge wet stain on his sweater that undoubtedly soaked into his shirts underneath as well.

That evening in the mountains. 

There had not been a single day since that I hadn't thought about Nat and Connor. Nat used to sleep next to me in the top bunk and the first thing in the morning I had been seeing was her spot abandoned and barred of all belongings, including the mattress and blankets. Nat had family living somewhere near my old farm and her personal items were sent there. None of us dared to keep anything.

Out of all things, I couldn't get out of my head how she used to be jealous of my clean skin, complaining out loud about her acne, that _one fucking idiotic motif_ , the way she scowled and waved her hand before chuckling and poking my ribs with her elbow.

And that time I was convincing her to admit that she had a thing for Connor, which only made me ponder how that fatal winter cross-over probably had felt for them the same way it had been for Armin and me.

Strangely enough, five days later Vinnie transported her stuff into my bunk. She did not ask for permission, but I wasn't able to find it within myself to be angry... I couldn't decide which was weirder, that, or the grim determination and cautious, reluctant compassion on her face. After all, we had spent three years on mutual cold resentment that was entirely different in taste than Eren and Jean's constant bickering. Vinnie was aiming for Survey Corps, too.

I shook my head like a wet dog and focused on double checking my gear. Part of me was relieved to have the days of torturing training behind me, but mostly I had been already convinced that I was about to miss them very much.

“Try not to beat our asses too much, Titan,” Jeanette quipped, slapping my shoulder. “Let me reach at least halfway your points so I wouldn't look like a double wimp when I get to Sina.”

“Wouldn't dream of it.” I smirked. “Maybe you'll get to a quarter if you fart enough to speed up.”

Nora and Mort snorted, Vanya tilted his head back and guffawed. He always had been loud and laughing his ass off at anything when nervous.

“ALL RIGHT, MAGGOTS!” Shadis stood before us and we automatically formed a neat row and straightened our backs. “GREEN FLARE FOR STARTERS, RED FLARE FOR ENDS! THOSE WHO FAIL CAN GO BACK TO GROPING COW TITS! YOU ARE WATCHED! DO NOT FUCKING TRY TO EMBARRASS ME BY BEING FUCKING TITAN SHIT! FIRST BATCH, LINE UP!”

Twenty five of us. The 25 top trainees. Every group had been put together with the skill efficiency kept in mind. I took a deep breath.

Shadis covered his ear and raised his arm with a flare gun gripped in his hand. I tightened my hold on my trigger guns.

One more deep breath.

“I'm gonna puke...” Vanya was standing next to me and his face currently presented a perfect shade of green.

All sound seemed to have vanished. I saw the flare go up. I saw the column of green smoke.

I squeezed the triggers.

Then it all crashed back at once: the whistle of the wind in my ears, the whiz of the wires, the shots, the shouts. I smiled. I knew exactly what to do. No one stood a chance. 

I twisted in the middle of a jump and spiralled towards the first target, cutting down deep enough to slice out a bit of wood under the mattress that was supposed to imitate the titan's nape.

 _I'm here to fuck you up, titans_ , I thought with a venomous smile.

* * *

I landed behind a thick tree. From what I could tell, I was safely outside of the grading area and no one was around. I stretched and sighed.

I made a show and scored enough not to be too suspicious. Good.

I shoved my hand into one of my pockets and pulled out a screwdriver.

_Now, for the next phase..._

I took off the barrel-shaped part of my gear – the one that sat at the small of my back, and started removing the cover. I took my time a couple of months ago to spend it on fixing and tweaking my gear along with Armin and Marco and I memorised every little cog, every spring, nail, scratch, and bump to the point where I would be probably able to recognise our equipments by touch alone. I smiled subconsciously at the memory.

I knew which parts should be loosened to cripple the efficiency of my gear without doing any real damage. Once I was finished, I stuffed the screwdriver back into my pocket, attached the propeller and breathed in the smell of the forest for a while.

 _I'm so sorry, Instructor, I should've checked the inside yesterday. I fucked up. But at least someone else can now get into the Military Police, right? I'm going to the Survey Corps anyway, no need for me to waste the space in the top 10_ , I thought with disgustingly fake sadness. Of course, when the time was up, I was going to perform the role flawlessly.

Just as I was about to take off, I heard the whiz of the wires and Vinnie appeared. She hadn't noticed me until she landed twenty feet to my left. She put her trigger guns in the holsters and raised her eyebrows.

“Fourth turbine?” she asked indifferently.

“Yeah. Strange how it can deregulate all of a sudden.” I shrugged. “But two at once will be too fishy. Particularly when both owners were about to place in top ten.”

Vinnie ran her fingers through her short silver-blond hair, pushing the fringe backwards. She exhaled slowly.

“Break my wrist.”

I rounded my eyes at her.

“What?”

“I've already scored enough points to get a decent place in top 20. Break my wrist. I'll take a walk to the standpoint.”

“You are not joking, are you...” While her face remained unmoved, mine was most likely ultimately pale.

“All of you bitches love saying that I don't have a sense of humour, don't you? So I can't be joking.” She drawled, taking off her jacket. She sat down on her heels on the last year's fallen leaves, folded the leather sleeve and held it between her teeth. She extended her left hand to me.

 _You've got to be fucking kidding me_ , I thought weakly. _Out of the two of us, it's her that should be feeling light-headed, but it's me who's about to pass out._

I knelt down and stared at her. A bead of sweat ran down my temple.

“You sure about this?”

“I heal up pretty fast, no biggie. I'll be all fine in two weeks.”

_How am I supposed to hurt someone on purpose like this? Someone... friendly to me?_

My heart hammered in my chest as I grabbed her hand and caught her forearm in an iron grip. I squeezed my eyes shut, tightened my hold, steeled my muscles... and twisted, once, mercilessly. My stomach leapt up to my throat at the sound and feel of bones crunching. Vinnie's cry was muffled in the jacket. I glanced at her. Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes, but other than that, her face was absolutely calm. She wiped the tears with irritation and carefully grasped the injured wrist to examine it.

“I'm so sorry,” I squeaked. I felt nauseous.

“Huh? I asked you to do this. Thanks.”

“Are you okay?” I uttered.

“Yeah. I'll take a stroll to the standpoint now. See you.”

I watched as she disappeared between the trees, not bothering to look back at me even once.

* * *

I should have expected that Shadis would see right through our scheme. Both Vinnie and I had to withstand full twenty minutes of shouting and saliva spraying all over our faces with each word – and there were many words, most of which Shadis added as colourful decorations to his _you fucking disgrace of a shit_ speech.

But once the rest of our batch was dismissed and another group sprang in the air, Shadis stopped yelling and in a hoarse, tired voice informed us that we had passed. There was a hint of appreciation in his tone.

“What places will we have?” Vinnie asked when I was unbuckling her gear. Her wrist was wrapped tightly between two pieces of wood by one of the nurses and she was supposed not to remove the bandages for at least two weeks.

“I'd guess we are in the top 15 still.”

“So it is,” she murmured. “Your predictions always go we-”

“WHAT THE _FUCK_ DID YOU _DO_?!”

I closed my eyes. Jeanette barged into the dorm, not bothering to close the door behind her. Nora tagged along, but unlike Jean, she didn't seem angry nor shocked. Jean, on the other hand...

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE _THE FIRST_!”

“Jean-”

“YOU GET BACK THERE, BITCH, AND REDO THE EXAM!”

“You can't actually do that-” Vinnie tried to remark.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, APE, NO ONE ASKED YOU-”

“JEAN, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!” I screeched. “Will you keep it down? You know exactly what I did and you know exactly why.”

“Still-”

“Jean. You are going to the MP. I'm not. There's no point for me to waste a good spot in the top ten while it could be given to someone who actually plans to go to Sina.”

All the fury disappeared from her face and she dug her stare into the floor.

“You were supposed to be the first,” she said.

Nora closed the door and looked at Jean sadly.

“You were supposed to be the first,” Jean repeated in a thinner voice. She scowled. “You were supposed to be the first, and go with us, you were supposed to go to Sina and be safe!” Her lips stretched downwards, her chin shook, and her cheeks flushed red.

“I never planned-” I began, but she cut me off.

“ _You were supposed_ to rank in top ten and I would convince you to go with us!” she shrieked. First tears trailed down her face. “How could you do this?”

 _All this time, she had been planning to do that_ , I thought. _Oh, Jean..._

“How could you?” She sniffed.

* * *

Those who were finished with the exam had the rest of the day off. It was the last opportunity to go out to the town as a trainee, but I didn't feel like going anywhere. After I had changed from my uniform, I spent most of the morning laying face down in my bunk, thinking back to the times when Dagny and I lived on the farm, and even before then... Vinnie had been snoring on the spot next to me, but she woke up after an hour and left without a word.

The door creaked and sounds from the outside – mostly birds' chirping – flowed in.

“H-hello? Is anyone here?”

I raised my head from the pillow and opened my eyes.

“Armin? This is girls' dorm-”

“It's lunch. You are going to miss out.”

“Oh.” I sat up and swung my legs over the edge to jump down. “Thanks for telling me.”

Armin was all red and sweaty, and his boots were covered in mud.

“Conditioning?” I asked, picking up a sweater.

“Mm. And I still suck at it,” he mumbled, looking away.

“You'll get there,” I said, finally finding within myself a somewhat uplifting tone. “Not right away, but there is no way whatsoever that three years can't make a difference. I mean, look at Nora. She used to pass out after marching up a hill back when we started. Besides...” I approached him slowly. I frowned. “Wait... I forgot what I was about to say. What was that... dammit...”

Armin chuckled.

“Come on, you can remember while eating.”

We left the dorm, walking right into mildly warm sunlight. I squinted, not accustomed after spending hours with eyes closed.

“I've heard, umm... what you did today,” Armin remarked. “I think that's... very noble.”

“That's about as close to nobility as I will ever get.” I snorted. “Let me guess... Jean is running around talking shit about me.”

“... pretty much.” Armin sighed. “We are leaving in the evening for a field task for the next couple of days. I'm going to be taking notes about how our group progresses, Marco will be in charge of it. There's Jean and Eren in our group, too. And Sasha.”

“I've heard the last time she was constantly insisting on hunting for food.”

“Exactly. It's going to be exhausting.”

“When are you going to be back?” I asked quietly.

“Ah... we'll make it for your graduation, don't worry.” He smiled, but it faltered. “We will have the time to say...” he trailed off, upset. “To say: _see you later_. I guess.”

I glanced down to him.

“I guess.”

* * *

_It always begins and ends in rows, doesn't it_ , I thought, occupying a space between Vinnie and a girl that I only knew from her looks. It was late afternoon, cloudy and grey. We stood in the second row, right behind the top ten, everyone was staring at Shadis and other instructors – and Commander Dot Pixis.

“I will now name the ten best trainees from the 102nd trainee squad, as it follows,” Shadis stated after a short, obligatory, dry goodbye speech. “First: Jeanette Larue. Second: Nora Varrick. Third: Mort O'Flannigan. Fourth: Vanya Skhodov. Fifth...”

I let my thoughts loose.

_By this time tomorrow, I will be at the Survey Corps headquarters. I don't even know where that is. So maybe I won't be there tomorrow yet? Is it far from here? I think they have only one commander, and there isn't many of them in the branch, so they probably don't have many bases around._

Shadis proceeded to the ending speech. Everyone stood at attention and saluted.

_This is the last night I spend here... after three years... Come to think of it, I'm scared shitless. All this time I used to be holding onto current moments with a future in the corps being something in a far distance, and now... it's here. Will I even make it through one expedition? Will I even kill at least one titan before I get eaten? And-_

“Oi, Titan,” Vinnie hissed. “We can go.”

I blinked and looked around. Most trainees had already left the square. Jeanette and Nora must have been among them, since I couldn't find them in proximity. Mort and Vanya lingered a few steps from us, obviously not wanting to get too close to Vinnie.

_They are all going to the Military Police. The only person I know closer that goes to Corps is Vinnie. But that's not bad, they are going to be safer than me._

“Don't get yourself too drunk, ladies.” I smirked at them. “Tomorrow we've gotta wake up as usual.”

“Yes, muuuuum!” Vanya cackled. “I'm gonna drink anyway. You weaklings that get tipsy after half a mug, you better watch the king!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mort mumbled. “Let's go.”

I turned around to ask Vinnie if she would be going, but she wasn't there; I hadn't noticed when she left. I shrugged and followed the two guys. The sun was about to go below and the surroundings grew dark.

The mess hall seemed to be louder and denser than usual, every bench and table occupied, making plenty of people to have no other choice but to either sit on the floor or simply stand.

“There are so many of us,” I pointed out to Mort... but Mort disappeared, and so did Vanya. I used the advantage of my height and found them quickly, both standing with Nora and Jean, all four of them gripping big mugs – undoubtedly filled with beer.

_I don't really feel like talking to Jean right now, she can be a bit too bitchy when drunk. And I don't like beer anyway._

I made my way to the kitchen and got myself some bread, cheese, four boiled potatoes, and the soldier's tea (hot water) and wove my way out of the hall. It was too cold to stay outdoors, so I headed towards the dorm.

_In twelve hours, it won't be my dorm any more._

I set my plate on the ground to have a free hand to open the door.

_I hope Jean won't babble out that I'm two years short from 19. I don't think I would be going anywhere if she did._

“H-Hey.”

I flinched, but then smiled.

“Hey.”

I peeked over my shoulder at Armin, who was wearing his civilian clothes and holding a small lantern. The light it cast on his face and hair made him look particularly nice.

“I was looking for you in the mess hall,” he admitted, fidgeting a little.

“Were you?”

“Mm.”

I closed the dorm door and picked up my plate.

“Did you eat anything?”

“Me? Yes, we had supper when you were standing at the ceremony.” Armin bit his lips.

_One day I'm going to melt down because of this habit of his, dammit._

“You don't want to sit in the hall, do you? That's why you came here,” he said hesitantly. I nodded. “And, uh, library, then?”

“Library, then.” I sent him a content smirk. On the inside, however, my intestines were dancing like there was no tomorrow.

_Library. It's dark. And late. No one will be there. No one will be in the whole freaking study block. We'll be there alone. Totally alone. Keep it cool. Keep it cool. Oh crap. This food is a goner, no way I'm gonna eat anything now._

No words were exchanged on our way there. Once we entered the library, Armin lead us over to the farthest corner, where he left the lamp on one of the tables... and then he stood still, watching me awkwardly.

“Um... won't you eat?”

“Oh. Yeah. I'm kinda not really very much rather hungry.” I closed my eyes. _What the fuck was that?!_ “I mean, I'm not hungry.”

“You know, I can pick a book and read it out loud while you eat, would that work?” He smiled comfortingly. “I know how this feels... I still get nervous to the point of nausea when I have to eat with too many people around, and all I can think of is how this would make it easier.”

“We could try that...” I murmured. “I wish I had my ways around this stuff like you have.”

“I guess there isn't much of a choice since I am _me_ , is there?” Armin gave me a crooked smile.

“Some deal with problems with their muscles, some use their brains,” I remarked. “The result is what's important. I mean, as long as you don't run around killing people or whatnot.”

Armin giggled and reached for some random book.

Just like he had said, once I focused on the story (which wasn't in fact enthralling at all), I wolfed through my dinner without a hitch. I gulped down the water and set the tray aside. Armin yawned.

“This has got to be the most boring book I've ever seen. Do you mind if I bring another?”

“I... can we just... talk? Or something? It's...” I gazed away with a frown. “Tomorrow.”

Armin let go of the book. He sat quiet for a moment before he sighed and spoke up.

“I thought that if we don't mention that, it... kind of... wouldn't happen.” He laughed dryly. “If only that could ever work, imagine.”

I was watching him with a little smile.

“You grew up a lot.”

“... what brought this on?” He raised his eyebrows, reciprocating with a matching grin. I shrugged in reply. Armin's expression smoothed.

“... Armin?”

He stood up and bit his lips again.

“Will you write to me?”

My jaw dropped a little.

“I was thinking a-about that,” I stammered.

“I _will_ be writing to you.” That was a tone I had never heard from him before. A little defensive, a little daring, but mostly hopeful and careful.

“Well, I _will_ be writing back,” I said, almost in shock, but then I frowned. “Ah, I see.”

“Huh?” Armin's cheeks went red. I grinned.

“Jean wasn't actually talking shit about me, was she?”

“N-no. She wasn't.”

I closed my eyes.

“You planned all of this, didn't you?”

“Yes,” he whispered in panic. “I'm sor-”

“You are fantastic,” I mumbled, smiling sadly. “I'm going to miss you.”

Armin's chair was pushed back and fell to the floor. My eyes shot wide open just in time to see him approaching me in three big steps before he suddenly cupped my face and leaned down and then he... was... kissing me... and... kissing... and...? What...? What-?!

Armin withdrew an inch back, gasping and trying to blurt out something stupid like _I'm so sorry_ or _I shouldn't have_ , but my brain jumped back to work and my hands darted to the sides of his neck, my fingers buried themselves in his hair, and I pulled him to me, and he lost his balance, and fell forward, and I caught him, and-

“Unfff-”

… and I pulled him onto my lap, and I kissed him back, and kissed him, kissed so much, until he melted into it with a heart-warming hum and-

… and _have I noticed before how long his eyelashes are?_ What...?

“Please. Please, write to me,” Armin whispered, closing his eyes and touching my forehead with his own. “And just... just...”

I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight, leaning my head onto his shoulder. Armin tilted his head onto mine and ran his hand up to stroke my hair. We sighed at the same time and it made both of us let out silly giggles.

“I'll be waiting there for you,” I murmured. “We'll fuck the titans up together.”

“Yeah...” Armin mumbled sullenly.

_Yeah. In two years._

_Two years again._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to remind you that I write this with [manga Armin's looks](https://41.media.tumblr.com/4c3c275f848fe300db6836848fe7a289/tumblr_o2331rSfUb1rf3vxbo1_540.jpg) (unless you read Japanese, this picture is not a spoiler), not the anime ones. I'm not much of a fan of how anime Armin was designed really, particularly when you compare that to the most recent manga chapters. I mean, god fucking dammit, why. Why.


	7. Yours truly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You promised to write letters, and so you did, but you didn't expect it to be so complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The ////// indicates words that were scratched out.  
> This is the last chapter before the actual action begins, so bear with me.

_Dear Armin,_

_Today is my 10th day as a Survey Corps cadet. The base is the size of the training camp, if not smaller, but the aura here is different. I don't know how to describe it. It's in a middle of a forest, south of Trost._

_From the four training camps, there are 71 new recruits at the SC this year. According to my Squad Leader, Dita Ness, that's average since the fall of Wall Maria. SL Ness is a nice guy. His horse is NOT nice, though. It was too late for me when SL informed us that Shallot loves biting hair. Well, I'll grow it back, and I'll be wearing a bandanna for now. I think SL has a bald spot on his head, he's wearing a bandanna, too, every time I see him._

_Vinnie is in the same squad as I, and there are 4 other cadets with us, they are from the Utopia District and know each other well. They are: Angelo, who reminds me of Mort, Gorm, Silvia, and Martha. Silvia and Martha are twins and I can't tell them apart, so I try not to address them by their names yet. Each dorm room has 4 beds, so us girls are all together._

_If Commander Erwin Smith brings funds with him from Sina, we will be going on an expedition in three weeks. I'll send you a flower from the outside when we get back!_

_No, wait... that's Wall Maria. A flower from home, then._

_I hope you are well. Give my regards to those idiots._

_I'll be waiting for your letter._  
_Soon,_  


* * *

_Dear ______,_

_Thank you for the letter. It arrived two weeks after you wrote it, the couriers sure take their time. You have a very nice handwriting!_

_Nothing has changed in here. Last week, Eren and Jean beat each other up and they both have daily stable duty for a month and it wouldn't be so bad, but when they were fighting, they bumped into Shadis and knocked him over. So they have to do the stable duty without any pitchforks or shovels, just their bare hands. Now the whole dorm reeks._

_We are going to have another field task tomorrow, with Marco as a leader and me taking notes again. This time we will be going west, through some dry lands. It's going to be scorching._

_About Marco, we were repairing his 3DMG yesterday and Reiner joined us. Marco noticed that Reiner seemed rather off, and I agreed, though I haven't seen him like that before, but I guess he's been worried about Bertolt since the latter had some really bad nightmares three days ago, he was screaming in his sleep and woke everyone up. But Bertolt himself is just as usual. Maybe he's used to it._

_But from the positive things, we had measuring last Monday, and I grew half an inch since the last one! Both Eren and I are now taller than Mikasa, it's so weird. She used to be the tallest of the three of us._

_I'll be going now, I need to pack things for the field task._

_I'm a bit scared to ask but... have the expedition plans passed? If so, I don't think you'll get this letter before you leave... But I'll write it anyway: good luck. Stay safe. Please._

_/////////////_

_Armin_

* * *

_Dear Armin,_

_You were correct, I got your letter after we came back. Thank you. And thanks for the drawing of stinky Eren and Jean, it's nicely done and it made me laugh, I needed that. And you sneaky little shit, is that how you portray your best friend? Just joking. It's been almost two months since I came to SC... time goes fast. I'm sorry you had to wait so long._

_Well, about the expedition... SL Ness, Vinnie and I are the only ones from our squad that made it back. Poor Angelo, Gorm, Martha and Silvia... I feel horrible that I have never managed to tell Silvia and Martha apart, I'm so sorry. We couldn't even recover their bodies. Out of the 71 new recruits, there are 47 left. We drop like flies... The more at peace it makes me that our whole top 10 went to the MP._

_We have a new squad, a few recruits from other damaged units joined us. Their names are Anna, Brian, Tom, and Bernard. One of the beds in our room remains empty now, it used to be Martha's. Anna reminds me of Nora._

_I'm sorry this is so short, I just wanted to tell you that I'm all right, but I just_

_You know._

_I hope you are okay. I'm sorry._

_PS. I'm sending you the flower. I'm sorry that it's so poorly looking, it got squished in my pocket._  
_PS2. What did you scratch out above your name?_  
_PS3. Could you maybe... draw yourself?_

* * *

_Dear ______,_

_I almost worried myself to death. Your letter arrived two months after you wrote it. I know now that the courier's carriage was robbed on its way, but all those weeks, after I had heard that the SC went on the expedition you had mentioned, and then not seeing a word from you... I was scared to the bone. I'm SO GLAD that you are okay. I admit that I cried a bit. Does that make me weak? What if ////////////_

_You know what I mean? I just don't know what to do. What if one day the letters just stop and I won't even know if you /////////////// No. It's going to be fine. Not “all” right, because everything simply can't be well, but some things will be fine._

_I'm sad to hear about your comrades. I couldn't help but notice how many times you wrote “I'm sorry” in your letter. You don't have anything to apologise for, none of it was your fault. None of it!!! You did well and returned alive, and that's a big thing. That's important._

_Remember the field task I mentioned the last time? It got complicated, to say the least. Bandits assaulted us when we were camping in the forest. They took our gear and scared our horses away, and they kidnapped Krista (the little blonde that is sweet to everyone, and has freckled Ymir trailing her everywhere. Just Ymir wasn't with us this time). Jean almost got killed. He was shot in the head, but the bullet only grazed his cheek, thank heavens. Marco and I came up with a plan, and things ended well, but there was a time when I wondered if we'd make it out alive. We did, so you see, it's okay._

_Tomorrow we are going to have a test exam in the city. I hope I'll kill at least 3 props before the others get to them. I'm still not really good at this, even though I know the theory better than anyone else. Although I did improve a bit, so there's that. Sometimes I think that I get to some of those puppets because Marco clears the way for me._

_Oh, he's just asked what I'm writing, and he wants to say hello._

_Hello! It's me, Marco! I hope you are doing well, and Vinnie, too! We miss you here! Sending hugs!!!_

_It's me again now. Marco had to drag Jean from Eren, they were about to beat each other up again._

_Thank you so much for the flower. It crumbled in the envelope after spending two months in it, but I'm keeping it in a little sack under my pillow, with the letters (I hid them there after Eren found them. You have no idea how nasty his teasing has been getting recently, I swear...). So... I'm sending you my self-portrait. I'm not sure if it's any good, it felt odd to draw myself._

_Please, take care of yourself. And try to write soon, it's been so long..._

_Armin_

_PS. About that scratched out thing in the previous letter... I misspelled my name._

* * *

_Dear Armin,_

_You got me worried, too, I had no idea it was my letter that hadn't reached you, I was wondering if something happened... But it's okay now. And no, it's not making you weak, don't even think that way. I would say that /////// it makes you stronger, when you go on and keep yourself up so you could ///////// see the other person again. At least that's what I'm trying to do, and I guess it works. The more I'm happy with your portrait, thank you so much for it! I love it. Ha, funny thing, I keep your letters under my pillow, too. Maybe that's why I don't have nightmares. Thank you for saying all that. It made me feel better._

_Are you really okay? Did those bandits beat you up? Did you break anything? What happened later?_

_Seems like there won't be any expeditions any time soon. Commander has problems in the capital, even Corporal Levi isn't helping much there (Moblit, who is Squad Commander Hange Zoë's assistant, said that Corporal Levi usually makes the funds go in easier. I can't imagine how, he's the least pleasant man I've ever seen, and I spent 3 years with Shadis as an instructor, after all). I'm not complaining. I don't feel like going out there again yet. For now, I'm helping Hange with their research (I can't talk about it, though. Forbidden). Hange is the most insane person I've ever met. It's impossible to describe. But I like them very much – although I'd never like to become their assistant. Moblit is a pile of stress and anxiety. No wonder. You will understand when you meet them._

_I swear the SC is one bizarre gathering of the weirdest people in the world..._

_I probably won't be able to write in the next weeks. Since the expeditions were put aside because of the fundraising going slow, we are going to investigate old SC bases. That's a lot of riding around and I don't think I will have many opportunities to send letters, I don't know how long it will take exactly. But I'll try._

_I miss you._

_Stay safe._

_PS. Say hello to Marco. I miss him, too. And kick Eren's ass for me._  
_PS2. Did you seriously misspell your name? Inconceivable!_

* * *

_Dear ______,_

_Seems like this time the courier decided to make up for all the previous deliveries. I got your letter after 5 days. 5! On the other hand, sounds like there will be a longer break now..._

_I guess you are right about this, there is some strength in it, but it's not free of weakness. But having to choose between doing everything you can while you can and doing nothing because you are afraid of “what if”... I would regret it if I did nothing. Hence I think you understand why that night I //////////// You know. Okay, I can write about it. It's easier than talking about it face to face._

_I wouldn't ever forgive myself if something happened to you or to me before I let you know how much you mean to me. I wanted to actually SAY it, but I couldn't get a word out, so I kissed you instead. That did work, right? So I can also say that I wish I was there with you, because I would do that again._

_I had to bend the paper at this point to hide what I've just written, so I wouldn't look at it for now, because Reiner asked me why I was so red and he's now staring at me. Dammit, Reiner. He said that the guys are going out to drink something and I'm supposed to go with them. I guess I will, so I'll continue writing tomorrow._

_I'm back. Yesterday's evening was nice while it lasted... but I'm never ever drinking that much again. Neither is Marco (he says hello, by the way), I don't know which one of us looks and feels the worst. We had conditioning today's morning and four of us vomited after two routes around the training grounds. It started with Connie, then Jean puked at the sight, then Marco, and then me. Everyone was laughing. It was a nightmare. We have two months of stable duty now. Bertolt was so odd yesterday, one moment he was drinking and smiling, and the next he took Reiner's mug and said that he can't drink any more, but he wasn't annoyed, more like... scared? Although I admit, I was really inebriated and this could be me imagining things. I can't remember what caused Bertolt to do that... if that happened at all, I'm not even sure if it did. It just left some vague sensation, you know what I mean. It must be some special skill of Bertolt's. But I guess they can't get over The Day, and I can't blame them._

_I'm sorry. I went onto this topic, despite that I wanted to make this letter happier. I'm sending you a doodle of us drinking and being ridiculous, I hope it will make you laugh (yes, Connie really did take his trousers off, we had a tough time making him put them back on)._

_You are kind of a living legend in the training camp now. The 105th squad never met you, but they got used to everyone saying “be as badass as The Titan” and knowing that it's about a hell of a brilliant cadet. I think it's going to stick around for a long time... well, Marco and I started it. Then the others from 104th and 103rd picked it up. That's some legacy!_

_About that scratched out thing, no, I didn't misspell my name, not really. I wrote The Things in this letter, so I guess I can manage to not scratch it out again._

_Yours truly,_  
_Armin_

* * *

_Dear ______,_

_It's been two months again, I guess the inspections are taking a lot of time indeed – or at least I haven't heard about any SC expeditions lately. I hope they aren't too tiring and that you are feeling well. What's it like in there? I imagine old buildings, with overgrown courtyards and with lots of dust and spider webs indoors. Maybe with old books? I wish._

_I passed the final theory for the 2nd year at the top of the squad. The next after me were Jean, Reiner, Marco, Ymir, and Bertolt. But theory doesn't bring many points for the general statistics. Are still you working with Squad Leader Hange on their research in the meantime? I know I can't ask what it's about, but do you think I could assist with it? It sounds like something I could be of use at. //////////////////////////////////// Maybe I would finally stop slowing everyone down. I know what you are going to say to this, so you don't have to... I guess it works better when you are around._

_Shadis caught Hannah and Franz in the tool shed last week. I don't know what exactly they were doing, but Franz got stable duty, and Hannah got kitchen duty for the rest of the year. There are always giggles when someone mentions it. It rather makes me smile, though._

_Today's morning Eren gave a whole big speech about why it's important to fight titans, you know the drill. It looks like he might have inspired some folks to join the SC – at least they will be convinced for the next couple of days, until they forget about it. Another outcome of it was Jean accidentally snorting milk out of his nostrils. It happened more than once before, but this time it hit Mikasa. You know what that means: Eren punching him in the face and Jean tackling Eren to the floor, where they proceeded to strangle each other until Mikasa and Marco dragged them apart. I give up sometimes, honestly._

_I dearly hope that you are doing okay._

_I'll be waiting for you._  
_///////////////////_  
_Yours truly,_  
_Armin_

* * *

_Dear Armin,_

_I'm so sorry for making you wait so long that I want to cry, I miss you so much. You are five days into the third year of your training... how did this go by so fast? Five of your old letters were going around the bases for weeks before I got them._

_I didn't expect it would take so much time. It seems the SC used to be really prosperous years ago, there were 89 bases and standpoints to check, but most of them would require a lot of money to restore – barely 8 are in a satisfying condition, and yet they still require lots of attention to bring them back to an acceptable state, and we've been doing that all this time. Very disappointing. At the moment, we are stationing at a base near Utopia District. There are few titans in the north, so we might have an expedition soon, since we are almost done with the renovations. Corporal Levi is an absolute pain in the ass, there hasn't been a day without polishing every inch of every surface in a mile radius around him. I have callouses on my hands from holding a fucking mop. This is NOT what I expected when I enlisted, I want to stuff a broom up his ass, the brush end first._

_At least he has to nearly break his neck to look me in the eyes, with his 5'3. He does live up to his title of Humanity's Strongest Soldier without a doubt, I've seen him fight – but god fucking dammit, I want to strangle him with my bare hands most of the time._

_It's so cold here, everyone is getting sick all the time, but Bernard and three other soldiers got it the worst. Pneumonia. All thanks to this fucking frozen over place. Nurse says they won't make it. And it's Spring... I can't imagine what it's like in here in Winter. I doubt my hands and feet are ever going to be warm again. We have to rub grease into the parts of our skin that is exposed when we go out, otherwise it can crack to the blood after a couple of days. I hate it here._

_I can't even look at your portrait, because I had to leave it back in the Trost base. It's depressing. But your letters made me happy. Yes, the kisses worked. Very much so._

_I'm exhausted, I'll go to sleep now. I hope they have a courier in this middle of nowhere or I'm going to flip my shit._

_I miss you._  
_Yours truly,_  
  
_PS. What did you scratch out this time?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some stuff based on official stuff:  
> *From smartpass release - Armin, Ymir, Marco, Reiner, and Bertolt were the top of the squad when it came to theory studies. So no, Reiner is not a pile of muscles without a brain. ~~Well, he is for now, after ch.76 lol~~  
>  *One of the OVA episodes - the field training task that went sour, with Marco as a leader and Armin taking notes.  
> *Utopia District - district of Wall Rose, just like Trost, but it's in the north. There are hot springs, apparently, but it's still cold as fuck.  
> *From smartpass release - the drinking evening and Bertolt stopping Reiner from blabbering out who they are.  
> *Another OVA episode - the training task with killing titan props in the city.
> 
> Stuff that was not:  
> *Armin can draw well. It's my personal headcanon, but I don't think I've seen anything official about it.  
> *Hannah and Franz were doing the do.


	8. Red for ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two years of torturing waiting are up... so is the time of being a regular cadet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a while, so have a big ass chapter.

“Sit still, I can't change the bandages when you wiggle around.”

“I'm writing.”

“You can go back to describing your ass to Armin after I'm done.”

“I'm not describing my ass!”

“Oh? That's exactly something the two of you would be writing about,” Vinnie said indifferently, unwrapping the bandages around my head. “Don't you remember who was asking the most questions when Eren walked on us girls changing three years ago?”

“You do have a point,” I muttered. “Still, I'm not writing about my ass.”

“Did you tell him?”

“... no.”

Vinnie sighed. She put the dirty bandages aside and reached for a jar with stinky herbal ointment.

“They are graduating next week, he's going to see it anyway.”

“ _I_ haven't seen it _in the first place_ , how can I write about it?” I snarled, looking away. I set the paper and the pencil on the bed. “Fucking wires...” I pinched my lips. I knew better than to frown. “You know... I don't even want to see it.”

“You should. Right now it's really ugly, so once it heals, it will be much nicer.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“Yes.”

“You still suck at cheering people up.”

Vinnie shrugged.

“I'm bringing you the mirror and I'm not wrapping you up until you look at yourself. You've been ignoring it for a week, that's too long. Expedition's coming, you can't have your mind distracted.” She stood up and walked to the other side of our dorm. “Especially that you have a promotion coming.”

I raised my eyebrows and I immediately regretted when a sharp pain surged through my face.

“A promotion? You've got to be joking.”

“I can't joke. You had it coming after the last expedition.”

I averted my gaze with a scowl.

“It's like I'm getting it over Dita's dead body.”

Vinnie came back with a small, round mirror.

“You could say it partly is true, but the actual reason is that he died and you commanded the squad well enough to get us all to safety. So it's rather: you are getting it over our _living_ bodies.”

I closed my mouth.

“If you put it that way...” I mumbled.

She handed me the little mirror.

“I don't want to see it,” I repeated. “I've always been ugly as I was, and now?”

Vinnie grunted.

“Listen... I don't know how that works, because people mostly look too alike in my opinion, but you look better than Vanya and Connie,” she said seriously.

“That... didn't exactly improve the situation, but I appreciate the sentiment.”

“Thank you.” She nodded. “Now get it over with.”

I took a deep breath.

The day was cold and murky, with heavy clouds and thick fog that collected on edges of the roof and produced drops that were falling onto the windowsill every now and then. But at least the forest smelled divine.

I took the mirror, raised it in front of me, and looked.

“Oh.”

That was about as much as I was able to utter.

It was a deep line across my entire face, starting above my right eyebrow, going over my right eye, my nose, and my whole left cheek, reaching my jaw. Skin around it was red, swollen, and sort of shiny. The thick stitches and scabs made it appear even worse. My right eye was surrounded with a purple and yellow bruise.

“Well... seems it's healing fine.”

“It is. No infections.”

“It's dry, doesn't need to be wrapped up unless I'm going outside,” I said slowly. “No reason to seal it tight, it should breathe.”

“Finally, you are thinking properly.”

A knock at the door.

“Come in,” I spoke up, letting my legs down from my bed and putting the mirror aside. Vinnie stood up and gathered the old bandages while the door opened and Levi stepped in.

“Captain.” I nodded. Levi dipped his head slightly at her before he directed his gaze at me.

“Commander wants to see you in his office, preferably now.”

“Yes, sir.” I nodded again and stood up. The perspective changed rapidly and I had to stare down a lot to keep the eye contact.

“I'll clean up.” Vinnie murmured.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, leaving after Levi.

We were almost at the threshold of the office when he took a breath and asked:

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” I said simply. “No big deal, it was an accident, sir. I was never pretty to begin with, so...”

_No. NO, actually from now on I'm not only horridly gigantic, but also fucking ugly. I'm fantastic. Flowers and joy._

I bit my lips and raised my hand to knock, but before I had a chance, Levi simply opened the door and walked in. Erwin was browsing a stack of papers that maybe could have reached my waist if it was placed on the floor – no exaggerating. There was a window behind his desk and sun shone directly through it, making it a pain in the ass to stare at the Commander.

“Cadet. Good morning.”

“Good morning, sir.”

“Please, take a seat. Thank you, Levi. You may go.”

Levi nodded and left, closing the door behind him. I gulped and stepped towards the lone chair in front of Commander's desk. Once I sat down, I had to almost close my eyes to be able to look at him. Erwin must have noticed it, as he got to his feet and approached the window to draw the curtains over it.

“Now then... how are you feeling?” he asked, returning to his chair. He knotted his fingers together and rested his hands on some files.

“Good, sir. Thank you.”

“I see.” Somehow I felt that he wasn't convinced. “We have your gear repaired and ready to use, Squad Commander Zoë personally took care of it.”

“Oh... that's... very considerate. Thank you, sir.” I bit my lips and looked away. The wound was itchy and it took me a great effort not to scratch it.

“That brings me to two matters I have to inform you about.” He disentangled his fingers and grasped one of the papers on his desk before he slid it forward. I picked it up with a frown.

“The first point being your promotion.”

I raised my eyebrows and regretted it right away.

“After discussing your behaviour and strategies of the past two years, particularly taking into consideration the last expedition and your well thought leadership after Squad Leader Ness' demise, we have decided to promote you to a Squad Leader. Well deserved. Congratulations. It will be made official at 5 o'clock today, please arrive at the front courtyard at that time.”

I nodded without a word.

“The second thing I must tell you about is the upcoming expedition next week, which collides with the final exam day of the 104th trainee squad. Given your current condition, I would like you and Cadet Amelia Vincent not to partake in the expedition. While you stay behind, I would like you to go to the training camp and observe the exams. I know that there are trainees who have been declaring themselves to join the Survey Corps, there always are, every year, and I'm sure that both you and Cadet Vincent know at least some of them. I would like you to pay special attention to those selected ones.”

I nodded again.

“I was informed by Cadet Vincent that you excel at making this kind of observations. I trust you should live up to that opinion.” Erwin pointed his chin at the paper in my hands. “This copy is for you, please keep it. Do you have any questions, Squad Leader?”

I gulped, letting my eyes wander the room. Something nagged me at the back of my head.

“About... about my... squad, sir,” I uttered through a tightened throat. “Will it be the same people as the former Squad Leader Ness' squad?”

“No. Apart from Cadet Vincent, your future squad will be composed of the cadets from the 104th trainee group. That's why I want you to observe them.”

“I see.” I exhaled with relief. “If I may admit, I was feeling a bit... awkward at the prospect of commanding the old squad, especially that they are my age.”

“Your age?” Erwin raised his eyebrows. My mouth fell.

“Oh.”

“Cadet Vincent informed me about a lot of things when she was being asked about your status, Squad Leader.”

“I see.”

“But since you are at an appropriate age and have two significantly well fought two years of experience, it was decided to get past that. Cadet Vincent herself provided us with very reasonable arguments on the issue, although I admit that some of them might have not been in a favour to some of your traits.”

I scratched the side of my neck with a little scowl.

“That does not exactly come as a surprise to me.”

Finally, Erwin smiled. The change in the atmosphere was astonishing; I suddenly felt able to breathe freely.

“This is a friend that can't be priced that you have, Squad Leader. Treasure her. If that is all...”

“Yes. Thank you, sir.” I stood up.

“You have my congratulations, Squad Leader.”

* * *

A whole week passed way too soon. Before I noticed, Vinnie and I were tagging along the column of Survey Corps soldiers who were heading towards Trost; Vinnie and I, however, were going to detour before the inner gate and turn west to the training grounds. There was a lump in my throat and I spent twice as much time in the loo as usual before we departed. In other words, I was nervous to the point of a horrid diarrhoea. Was it about my first responsible task as a greenie Squad Leader? Having Vinnie watching my every move? Fearing for my comrades, who were going into the titan territory? Nooo...

_Armin._

I had sent the letter 6 days prior, and it had probably reached him already, but I had not written a single word about my injury and my damned to hell appearance. Vinnie had said that it would come back to bite me in the ass. Here it was.

The inner gate of Trost loomed in the distance while we reached the crossroads. Vinnie and I waved our goodbyes and turned left onto a much narrower path. I glanced behind, wondering which of those faces I'm seeing the last time.

“Wanna bet?” Vinnie drawled, looking at me. Of course she read my expression.

“Sometimes I wonder why do I even stick around you,” I mumbled, staring into the sky in an unspoken prayer for a little more patience.

“ _Sometimes_ is quite an improvement from _almost always_.” Vinnie shrugged. I rubbed my forehead and sighed. “Nervous?”

“No.”

“Mm. You are shitting your pants. Consider this: you have eleven expeditions behind you. Fucking eleven. And just how many individual kills? 50? 60?”

“Sixty seven,” I muttered.

“Yeah. That's more than six titans per expedition. And now you are a Squad Leader. Fucking behave like one.”

“It's not about the assignment and you know it.”

Vinnie sniffed pretentiously. I pulled my glass bottle – I had discovered I was allergic to goatskin quite quickly during the first expedition – and took a big sip.

“Well, if I were you, I would think fast, because it seems they have a good morning run before the exam and are heading this way.”

I spat the water right onto my horse's mane. Poor Sweetroll. My eyes almost popped out of my sockets when I strained to search the proximity... only to find nothing.

“Vincent, you fucking piece of titan shit-!”

And she didn't even smile. In her mind, that was not a prank nor a joke or anything of the kind. None of us were ever kidding when saying that Vinnie had no sense of humour. She really had none whatsoever and couldn't find anything funny in any joke, no matter how brilliant it would be. Somehow that was even worse than having her laughing her ass off.

_Come to think of it, I've never seen her laugh._

“Titans have no digestive system, they can't shi-”

“Yes, I know that.”

“Who do you think will be on your squad?” she asked when we could see the fences and roofs of the training camp down in the valley below us.

“Depends on who's going to sign up. No idea how much their minds have changed since two years ago. Except Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, that is.”

“It's not a good idea to have any of them on your team. You care too much. Might end up taking wrong decisions.”

“I don't have that problem.” I said blankly. “Neither does Armin, nor Mikasa.”

“Mikasa doesn't have that problem unless it's about Eren,” Vinnie corrected me politely. “Ah... have you thought over what you are going to say yet?”

“That doesn't work twice, Vinnie.”

“What? Never mind. As you wish. I only tried to help.”

I frowned. Then my eyes shot wide open.

“... holy shit?! Both times no joking?!”

There was no mistake. Trainees were indeed having a morning run and I had not noticed them previously because they had entered the forest by the time Vinnie pointed them out.

“For the 204th time: I can't joke.”

“204 really?”

“Yes. I count.”

“Fuckfuckfuckfuck, what do I do?” I squeaked.

“Mm... I think it's not the 104th. They are too slow. Probably some rookies. What would it be now? 107th?”

I closed my eyes and exhaled. Now that I took a more attentive look, the approaching trainees did not seem too accustomed to their exercise, they clearly must have joined recently. Lots of them were falling far behind and were being yelled at by an instructor riding a horse at the end of the group. The instructor noticed Vinnie and me and sped up to pass the front of the squad and meet up with us.

“Survey Corps, huh?” It wasn't Shadis. I recognised the woman in her fifties, although I didn't know her name – she used to be the head instructor for the 103rd squad and looked like a female version of Commander Pixis, with the same almost friendly approach, minus the moustache and plus very short white hair. She spotted the additional stripes I had embroidered above patch with Wings of Freedom on my left chest pocket and sleeves. “And a Squad Leader to it? Whatever are you here for? Don't you have an expedition going on, huh?”

“We are to watch the exam today,” I said with a smile. One could not remain sombre while staring at this woman.

The Instructor chose that moment to turn in her saddle towards the sluggishly approaching rookies and shriek at the top of her lungs.

“Move it, titan shits, _MOVE IT!_ THE LAST FIVE CLEAN THE STABLES WITH BARE HANDS TODAY!”

I smiled wider. Oh, sweet memories.

“So the 102nd's Titan made it to a Squad Leader, huh? Nice.” Her eyes traced the wide, pink, sensitive scar across my face. “Retracted snapped wire, huh? If titans don't get you, a fucked up equip does.” She eyed the lot of short, irregular scars on Vinnie's skin. “Branches or tile shrapnel?”

“Tiles,” Vinnie answered simply.

I remembered very well that day in an abandoned village in the east, when Vinnie dodged and a titan smashed the roof instead of her, but the blow crumbled the old tiles and sent shards flying everywhere, cutting and hitting everything on their way. If anything, it made her look even more unapproachable.

“Shadis is prepping the shits right now, so if you hurry up, you'll make it before they start,” she said, tilting her head from side to side. Her vertebrae crunched. The front of the rookie squad caught up and was peering at us in marvel.

“SALUTE, 107TH!”

The column began passing us, each and every trainee slamming their fists onto their chests for Vinnie and me. They stared particularly intently at me and I could swear I heard my nickname somewhere between the rows. Bizarre.

“Come on, Vinnie,” I murmured when all the rookies ran past and the Instructor saluted as well and followed them.

* * *

A wave of memories flooded my mind when we entered the training grounds. Everything was just as we left it – maybe some trees were a little taller, and some were missing, but other than that, not a single thing was out of place. We left the horses at the care of some unfortunate soul who had a double stable duty, and headed towards the edge of the forest. I dug my finger under the black linen band I fastened over my scar and scratched.

“That is a really dumb idea,” Vinnie repeated the third time, gazing at it. “You are just going to irritate it. Besides, you can't fly around with one eye covered, that fucks with the depth perception.”

“Well, if I need to fly, I will take it off,” I snarled.

“It catches even more attention than the scar alone would.”

“I don't know if you have noticed, but I've always been catching hella lots of attention. Might be my height, or perhaps my natural irresistible charm? Difficult to say.”

Vinnie rolled her eyes. We were currently walking through the sparring grounds, followed by curious glances from what could be the 105th squad. We had just finished talking with their head instructor, who was more Shadis-like in his demeanour than the Pixis-ish woman.

“Just saying. It looks ridiculous.”

I growled and tore it off, scowling when it pulled at the sensitive skin around the scar.

“There. Happy?”

“Now it's all irritated red,” Vinnie pointed out.

“I'm gonna shove this band right up your vagina if you don't shut up.”

“That wouldn't be painful, rather unhygienic.”

“For fuck's sake...” I muttered under my nose. “Let's drop it.”

After ten seconds of silence I decided that it was a bad move; I had nothing to distract myself from the fact that I was about to see Armin, and what was more – _Armin was about to see me_. With my ugly scar and with however I had changed throughout those two years. And I was sure that I had changed. Maybe it wasn't as easy for me to observe it on myself, but I could pinpoint the little alterations in Vinnie's demeanour over the course of those long months and expeditions. If those changes were visible on Vinnie's famously unmoving appearance, the more they would be noticeable on me. Perhaps the dark circles under my eyes, or my body behaving like a constantly tense spring, ready to act even when seemingly at ease; or maybe that persistent little wrinkle between my eyebrows – for fuck's sake, I had turned 20, and there it was, that little line visibly etched into my skin, like two years in the corps were equal to 10 years worth of stress and it was showing.

Bottom line: I was sickeningly anxious.

“And the other accident?” She asked quietly. The outskirts of the forest were clearly visible before us, as well as the hordes of cadets gathering in one place. “You still walk wonky sometimes.”

“I don't want to talk about it.”

“You can't avoid shit like that. It'll just come back twice as bad. It's been months since the last ti-”

“That's really enough, Vinnie. Considering what we do for a living, it's not a problem, if not even a convenience.”

“This is what I'm thinking and it's the logical conclusion, but as proper as it is, it does not fit whatever your expected reaction should be,” she said, cocking her eyebrow.

“Well. We spent two years in the Corps. Things change.” I took a deep breath. “And I'm sure not complaining.”

Vinnie shot me a glare that wasn't disbelieving in itself, not the kind of surprised disbelief at least – it was clear, understanding, and showing that she was not convinced by a single word from what I had said. She pointed her chin ahead of us. Some of the trainees spotted us and were peering already. Attention spread among them like a wave and soon almost everyone stared. I hadn't managed to find any familiar mop of blond hair before Shadis broke through the crowd and stormed towards us. I involuntarily straightened my back – old habits kicked in – and clenched my jaw. A silly fear of an additional stable duty lingered over my shoulder.

“I've heard you want to watch the exams,” he said so calmly that it took me aback.

“News spread fast,” I mumbled. Vinnie shrugged. “Yes, sir. Orders from Commander Smith. Where should we proceed?”

Shadis squinted his sunken eyes at me. I felt a drop of sweat running down my temple.

“You stay with me, Titan. If that sounds good with you, Vincent can go with Nattmann.”

I nodded at Vinnie and she set off to find the secondary instructor.

“Squad Leader, huh?” Shadis rasped as we made our way back to his standpoint. “Good job, Titan.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, again slightly shocked. That was an entirely new side of him to me and the gigantic difference between his attitude towards me as a trainee and me as a soldier – and Squad Leader – was at the very least distracting.

“Who snapped your wire?” he asked. We made it into the crowd. The trainees were squeezing between each other to make a wide path for us, every single pair of eyes glued onto me. No one dared to speak up in the presence of Shadis, but hushed, excited whispers were rolling around like wind among dry leaves.

“Captain Levi,” I replied indifferently. Shadis shot me a little confused glance. “Not on purpose, of course. By some fucked up bad luck his anchor hit exactly my wire and cut through it in mid-air. What fucking chances are for that?”

“In the field?” he inquired, still narrowing his eyes.

“Yeah. Close to Shiganshina. But I made it here, so nothing to talk about.”

Shadis snorted dryly. He picked up the flare gun and handed it to me. My jaw dropped a bit.

“ALL RIGHT, MAGGOTS!” Shadis bellowed, spraying saliva six feet forward.

_Wow. Back to the past... I'm actually nervous, just like back then._

“GREEN FLARE FOR STARTERS, RED FLARE FOR ENDS! THOSE WHO FAIL CAN GO BACK TO GROPING COW TITS! DO NOT FUCKING TRY TO EMBARRASS ME BY BEING FUCKING TITAN SHIT! YOU ARE WATCHED! FIRST GROUP, LINE UP!”

My eyes opened wide.

Mikasa. Reiner. Bertolt. Annie. Eren. Jean. Marco. Sasha. Connie. Ymir. Christa... and over a dozen of other cadets, making up a batch of 25. Armin wasn't among them.

 _They grew up_ , I remarked in wonder. _Mikasa's hair is even shorter... how tall is Bertolt? My height? Impossible... Reiner seems to be twice the size I remember, how can he even get into the air?! Eren, you seem even more pumped up than two years ago... but nothing unexpected, you are going to be in the Corps in three days. Marco, you are still such a cute guy, but damn those muscles... Thank fuck you are going to the MP, keep this sweet freckled ass of yours safe. Connie is still a short little shit, I think still shorter than Levi. Christa... oh my god. That is some..._ size... _you have there._

I haven't even noticed that they were all staring at me in shock until Reiner called me with his jaw almost on the ground.

“Titan?!”

I sent them a skewed smile and winked. It wasn't the time to talk.

“GET READY! TRIGGERS OUT!”

Shadis nodded at me and covered his ears. I pressed my free hand to my left ear and raised my right arm. I pulled the trigger and a green flare shot high up into the air, leaving a column of stinky green smoke behind. The deafening thunder hadn't even echoed down when they were off the ground already, zooming out into the forest. I removed the empty shell and grabbed the red marked one from a little crate that laid in the grass.

“Twenty minutes, wasn't it?” I spoke up, clicking the bullet in place.

“Twenty. We give them ten and we are riding into the forest to watch with the others. Get some trainee to come over with a horse.”

“I'll get it myself, they are pissing themselves already.” I smiled and pivoted to pass through the crowd again.

I was almost on the other side when I felt a tug at my sleeve.

How could I possibly have known who it was before I even turned around, before I even heard the voice?

All colour drained from my face and I glanced over my shoulder.

He was taller, 5'10 at least. His hair was longer, reaching his shoulders, but had a bit of an undercut and he kept it tied at the back of his head, although some shorter strands were free and framing his face. And his face itself... sharper, yes. Not so much round and childish, but still on the softer side. It was the eyes that had not changed a bit, still huge, astonishing blue, adorned by long, gold eyelashes.

It lasted but a fraction of a second before he blushed furiously and spoke up.

“H-hi.”

“Hi,” I whispered. I cleared my throat. “I'm going to get my horse, can you show me to the stables?”

_Lame, me. Lame. One shitty fail of an excuse that is. You know the place like the inside of your palm._

“Su-sure,” he answered in one quiet exhale. I felt uncomfortably conscious of the dozens of trainees peering at us like we were about to tackle each other to the ground and start ripping off our clothes and-

I coughed, pulling at my collar that suddenly felt too tight.

No one uttered a word until we were out of hearing reach from the gathering.

“Are you really here?” Armin asked hesitantly. “I'm not imagining things, right?”

I gave him a lopsided smile.

“All me. In all my fucking glory.” I snorted without a trace of humour. Armin scowled a little at my language.

_Right. I don't think I used to swear so much two years ago._

We entered the narrow, shaded alley between the lecture building and the stables. Armin looked in both directions, checking for anyone in proximity. Finding no one, he stopped and turned to face me. I halted as well, but made no move to return the gesture, ashamed, choosing instead to dig my stare into the ground.

“So? How the fuck do I look?” I hissed on a line between anger and defensiveness. “Better?”

There was no answer and that silence hurt _so much_... my face constricted and I closed my eyes, fighting a sob.

“You _are_ here...”

I lifted my eyelids a fraction and peeked at him. What I saw made me open my eyes wide and turn my head to him. His eyes were glistening with tears and he was biting hard into his lips while his chin shook. Armin sighed and stepped up to me before he pulled me into a tight hug, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I gasped for air a couple of times to fight another sob and I wrapped my arms around him, pressing my cheek to his soft hair.

“Two years is so long,” he murmured into my skin.

We rocked slightly side to side and I wasn't able to comprehend that at that moment I fully realised how much I had really missed him, now that I could breathe in his smell and hear his voice, and see him, and touch him, it all came crashing down and I wasn't sure any more if I would stand on my feet if I wasn't held so close.

“And you are beautiful,” he mumbled timidly. “You always were. That has not changed. Say what you want, but that's a fact. I read a lot, so you know, I'm smart and I can tell.”

I chuckled. I pulled away and showed a smile that had not made an appearance on my face for two years.

“Come on. Pretty sure the time's gonna be up soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was recently invited to my old middle school to talk about my profession, and then invited to another school in another prefecture to do the same. It brought up many memories and I decided to incorporate some of them here.
> 
> *I added those rank stripes to the uniform, I was missing them in the canon ones.  
> *[Have an Armin.](http://pandanoi.tumblr.com/post/81402060367/adults-armin-and-eren-because-of-reasons-xd-armin)


	9. It's okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The exams are over. The Reader procrastinates in various ways to put writing the report aside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains lime. Have some action. And then some angst.

Cold. March had just ended and while the days were bearable, the nights were chilly. The sky was immaculately clear with thousands of stars and a funny little sliver of the New Moon, all passive and distant, not obliged to care about what's down here whatsoever. The tree tops were swaying gently, letting off seldom unlucky leaves that wouldn't stand a chance to live until Autumn.

The burning candle that Vinnie left on the table behind me was flooding the room with faint, warm light, reflecting the interior in the window, so I had to nearly stick my face to the cool glass to see anything outside. I was sitting on a bed in a double room we were given for the night at the training camp. My body was twisted towards the window, with my elbows on the windowsill and my head tilted forward. I sighed and the glass fogged over with my exhale.

_Guess they are having the graduation party. It feels like mine was centuries ago. Not that I regret leaving it to go to the library with Armin that night, but... I didn't really get that last moment to spend the time with all these folks. Every single one that went to the Corps is dead, save for Vinnie and me, and I barely managed to memorise their names before they passed. There were 71 of us from the 102nd at the beginning._

A moth bumped at the window from the outside and proceeded to fly to and fro, trying its best to sink through the glass into the lit room. My eyes followed after it automatically until my eyelids slid closed and I buried my face in my arms.

_Now the 104th is going to fall apart and everyone will go their ways. How many of them will die before Summer? My first expedition showed clearly that the death rates were more than true, and what happened to the 103rd last year was not out of the norm either. One by one._

The door creaked.

“Dinner's about, come on,” Vinnie announced and left, not closing behind her.

I sighed and straightened my back, extending my arms above my head to stretch. I turned on my bed to pick up my discarded boots and I accidentally swept off the stack of papers and my pencil. It was an unfinished report, written like I was holding the pencil between my toes and not in my hand, and I had no idea what I was doing most of the time because no one had ever taught me how to write that shit, so I was ready to beg Moblit to save me the moment I see him again.

In fact, I wasn't even sure if I was supposed to write a report about this.

“Papers, come on...” I addressed them with disappointment.

I stood up and collected the runaway pages. I narrowed my eyes. The pencil was nowhere in sight and while I could simply let that go and search for it after the dinner, of course I had to put the report back on the bed and sprawl myself onto the floor to stare under the table, chair, chest, wardrobe-

_There you are, you little fucker._

I crawled closer to the bed – Captain Levi would fall to his knees and wail in despair if he saw the size of the dust bunnies that lingered there – and reached out my arm... almost... there... almost... I huffed with frustration. My arms were most likely the longest in the Corps, and they couldn't get to that little shitty stick?

 _The tight space between the bed and the floor seems wide enough for me to slide in, but what if I get stuck?_ I hissed and sat up on my heels, pushing my boots aside. I grabbed five of the pages of my report and rolled them into a pipe, got on my all fours, pressed my chest to the floor and reached for the stupid fucking pencil, intending to sweep it to me with the paper.

“There... we... go... you... fucking... shitstick...”

“Um... you... what are you doing?”

_Oh shit._

The facts were these: I was kneeling beside my bed, my head and arm in the space below it, my boobs squished to the floor, and my blessed ass in tight uniform trousers high in the air, directed exactly at the door that Vinnie had left open.

And Armin stood at the threshold.

I pulled up, hitting the back of my head hard on the bed frame. I groaned, lifting my hand to probe at the forming bump. I heard Armin's footsteps approaching me.

“Are you okay?”

He knelt down by my side and raised his to gently touch the hurting area. I scowled at first, but then the realisation smacked my mind. _Armin was stroking my hair._

“Yeah, being my usual clumsy ass.” I stared with distaste at the regained pencil (all rolled in dust) before I threw it onto the bed. “Anyway... did you need something?” I asked, glancing at him. He was wearing his civilian clothes. His ears were absolutely red. “... Armin?”

“Y-you weren't coming to dinner, so I wanted to check on-on you,” he stammered. He let his hand drift down to his lap. My eyes darted to the open door... but it wasn't open. He closed it when he entered the room. I glanced back at him. My shoulder was brushing against the side of the mattress and I became _very_ conscious of it. I peeked at the bed for a fraction of a second. Then at Armin.

Armin. Closed door. Armin. Bed. Armin. Bed. _Oh shit._ Bed. Armin. Closed door. Armin. Bed.

Red alarm flares flashed in my mind.  
Armin. Bed. This stuff he wrote last month. Bed. Two years. Armin. Bed.

_Oh boy._

My face began warming up and I was sure it matched the tone on Armin's cheeks. He glanced at the door, too, and then at me, at my lips, and into my eyes. 

“Eh?”

The doorknob creaked and before we had a chance to make a move, Vinnie barged in with a tray. She cocked her eyebrow at us and walked over to the table to set on it whatever she brought with her after she pushed our discarded gear straps aside.

“Never mind me. I brought you dinner, and now I'm going to leave and get lost. And you know, lock the door.”

She marched out and we were left alone again. Armin and I looked at each other. We both were cherry red. I let out a pathetic, high-pitched giggle and he picked up on it.

 _Writing about doing stuff is so much easier than actually getting to it_ , I thought as I remembered all the vague descriptions I read in Armin's last letter. And oh boy, did they make me blush. Vinnie wasn't so far off with her suspicions on the topics of our latest written conversations.

_I'll rather die of embarrassment before I get to the door to lock it._

“Umm...?”

“Yes?”

“Can I- can I k-kiss you?”

“You don't have to ask,” I mumbled with an awkward grin, closing my eyes. I expected a hand on my cheek, or on my shoulder, or anywhere really – but none came. Instead, I felt Armin's breath ghosting over my mouth, so light that I wasn't sure if it was there, and my heart sped up like crazy. I felt Armin's parted lips brushing gently over mine, not timid but rather disbelieving that it wasn't his imagination... and we finally connected, making me sigh through my nose. My eyes fluttered open a fraction and right away they met with Armin's that were half-lidded and with dilated pupils, glimmering under the subtle, flickering candlelight that caught onto his bright eyelashes, turning them from gold to copper. I pulled away an inch and cupped his face, diving my fingers into his hair. Armin covered my hands with his own before they glided to reply with the same gesture.

“I missed you,” I muttered. He smiled a little and pecked my forehead, wrapping his arms around me and bringing me into a warm hug. I shuffled closer, leaning forward and resting my temple on his shoulder, nuzzling his cheek and circling my arms around his waist.

“You know,” he murmured, “Annie asked me the other day if I thought it was a good thing to be attached to someone...”

I gulped.

“What was your answer?”

“I said...” Armin's hand grazed my nape and slid up to stroke my hair. He sighed. “I said that while it can be a risk, it can just as much lead to being stronger. Two minds can always come up with more ideas than one, especially when they support each other and-”

I cut him off with a soft kiss.

“So... you basically quoted one of my first letters.” I chuckled.

“I did?” He frowned, and then his eyebrows shot up. “Wow. I really did.” He laughed, too. “I haven't even realised...” He gave me a funny, lopsided smile. And then he god damn _bit his lips_. I watched, transfixed.

“Have I ever told you-” I began, still staring, but he laughed again.

“You haven't. But I know. I've been doing that on purpose ever since that day in the library on my first year. I noticed you looking and... um...” He swallowed, a new blush appeared on his face. “And I liked that,” he finished in a barely audible whisper.

I covered my eyes with my hand and exhaled, wordlessly.

“Both sides are content, so...” I snorted. Armin huffed with relief. “Um... Armin?”

“Mm?”

“I'm kinda... sitting on one of my boots. It's... kinda not comfortable.”

Truth was, I was convinced that I had the side of the boot imprinted into my left buttock for eternity.

“O-oh!” He let go of me and carefully stood up, reaching out to pull me to my feet. I scowled, plastering my hand to my butt to rub the area. Armin's eyes widened and his expression smoothed. “Y-you should eat your dinner, it's going to be cold.”

“Huh? Ah, yeah. I forgot.” I glanced at the table. Nothing out of ordinary, bread, soup, soldier's tea. I supposed that they were also serving some beer for the occasion, but Vinnie knew I wasn't fond of it, so she skipped that. “Pity I have nothing to read.”

“What about this?” Armin pointed at my unfinished report. I pouted.

“Bad idea. I wrote that, it's boring, and you'll spend more time deciphering the first sentence than I need to eat this whole thing.”

Armin snickered.

“Sit tight, I won't be long.” I got to the table and plopped down on the chair, pulling the tray to me. Armin tilted his head at the window.

“Would you mind if I looked outside? The sky is very nice.”

“Oh, not at all. I was watching it before, too.”

Armin grinned and sat on the bed to take off his shoes. He turned around and supported his head on his hands with his elbows on the windowsill, just like I was sitting a little bit earlier. I smiled inwardly and continued eating.

_By this time tomorrow, he's going to be officially assigned to Survey Corps, and the morning after we'll be all heading to the headquarters. Two days later the expedition returns and they will be properly greeted by the Commander._

_And they will see how many of us didn't make it back_ , I thought. I stopped chewing the bread and stared absently at the edge of the table. _Will the Commander make it, anyway? I might've not survived if I went this time. What about the next one? I need luck all the time, but a titan needs to be lucky just once... Ugh... stop it... stop thinking about that..._

I looked at my plate. Not much was left, so I picked up the spoon and quickly finished the meal. I gulped down the water, discretely filtering it through my teeth to get it somewhat washed, and I set the tray aside. Armin moved his head from his hands onto his crossed forearms on the windowsill and was still stargazing, but his drooping eyelids and shiny, sleepy eyes showed that he was tired. I got to my feet and crawled onto the bed next to him, sitting on my heels and tilting my head onto his shoulder with my hands folded on my lap. We sighed at the same time and it made both of us giggle quietly. Armin yawned.

“I should go,” he mumbled sadly. “I'm about to fall asleep. This was a long day.”

“You can stay, if you want,” I muttered incoherently under my nose.

“Mm? I didn't get that.” Armin smiled with a trace of amusement.

“You can stay,” I said a bit louder, looking away. Another blush lit up my cheeks. “No one's going to walk in here, except Vinnie, but she doesn't really care.”

“Is- is it a good idea?” he stammered. “I mean... I'm pretty sure that some might end up sleeping under the tables in the mess hall tonight... or in other places... so maybe... maybe...” Armin frowned and I could imagine cogs in his brain spinning faster. “Maybe it is...”

“That's settled, then.” I smiled and cuddled him, burying my face in his hair. Armin sighed once more and he returned the move, hiding his face in the crook of my neck. “I'm about to fall asleep, too.”

I left the bed and blew out the candle. The room grew dark, but the light was very dim to begin with, so we were both accustomed to it. 

“Um... I'll just... change my trousers, if you don't mind,” I spoke up awkwardly.

“Oh! Yeah, go ahead. I'm not looking.” Armin giggled, just as embarrassed.

 _Oh man. We truly are both all talk_ , I snorted in thought. _It definitely is easier to write things in letters than to act on them._

_Never mind what was going on when I was reading_ those _of his letters. And I'm pretty sure what he was doing while reading mine, too._

I quickly took off my uniform bottoms and put on loose sweatpants that I had sewn by myself – somehow, clothes in my size were not a common sight anywhere. _Wonder why._ I left my blouse on, since it was comfortable enough and I had dressed in it particularly not to carry too much things with me on this little journey. I huffed, mustering up courage to step back into the bed. Armin was sitting upright, with his back to the window; his face was obscured in the darkness, but I didn't have to see it to know that he was blushing like me. He stood up and fidgeted.

“A-are you coming?”

“Y-yeah.” I chuckled bashfully again and walked over. We stood in front of each other, the faint starlight settling on our faces from the side. It looked particularly lovely on Armin's hair. He no longer had it tied and it fell freely to brush his shoulders. His eyelashes lost the copper hue given by the candlelight and became silver instead. He bit his lips, although I suspected that this time he did it subconsciously.

Armin sighed quietly and reached up to cup my face and lean me down a little, without the previous hesitation connecting his parted lips with mine. It was different than before, more... firm, longing, and... yes... wanting.

I shuddered when his hands trailed from my jaw down my neck and to my shoulders, further to my sides and waist, and settling on the small of my back, pulling me closer as his teeth gently nibbled my lower lip to make way for his tongue to slide in. I gasped and moved my arms around him to dig my fingers into his shoulder blades.

_… or maybe not all talk..._

_… how the hell is he this good? Not that that first kiss in the library was bad, but this...? What...?_

Realisation hit my guts in a blink of an eye. Armin traced his lips along my jaw and descended to my neck and I had a chance to speak, although my voice was coming out in little gasps every time his teeth nipped at my skin.

“A-Armin...?”

“Mmmhh?” he purred and that alone nearly convinced me that my loose sleepwear was way too tight. After a moment, he detached his mouth from me and glanced up hesitantly, quickly losing his courage. “Wh-what is it? I'm- I'm sorry, am I too-”

“It's n-nothing like that, relax!” I whispered somewhere between panic and laughter.

_Are these things always so fucking awkward?_

“Then... then what's on your mind?”

_Oh boy. Wrong question. I'm sure it's the same thing as on yours, but still, THAT I can't tell._

“You read everything you could on the subject to prepare the theory for this, didn't you?” I mumbled, staring into his wide open eyes. His expression fell and the blush that spread on his face was intense enough to see it in the dark.

“Is- would it be bad?” he asked in a thin voice.

I leaned my forehead on his shoulder and shook with silent giggles.

“No, that's nice. It's so you. Do continue.”

“Well, I prepared as thoroughly as I could,” he muttered stiffly under his nose, muffled by my skin. “Because you deserve the best of everything.” Armin's tone was almost defensive, like I was about to scold him for that, while I actually was close to melting into a puddle of something warm and sweet... and a sensation in my underwear clearly stated that _something was_ melting. “I...” His fingers skimmed an inch under my blouse, ghosting over my waist. “Wait... what was I...?” He left a path of open-mouthed kisses up my throat and lingered by my jaw. “I... forgot... what I was... about... to say...” he mumbled between slow, thoughtful touches of our lips.

I gulped and moved my hands to his front, hesitantly stopping at the top button of his shirt. Armin caught up immediately and helped me with removing the shirt. Once it was all unbuttoned, he simply rolled his shoulders and let it slide off his arms and fall to the floor, while he never ceased placing gentle kisses on my neck. I grazed my fingers over his chest, shoulders, and down and up his back, feeling the supple skin and the muscles underneath, because yes, there were muscles, nicely pronounced, a little wiry, and far from feeble – sure, nowhere near even Eren's, but still, they _were_ there. Three years of daily training had to do their job. I raked my fingernails down to Armin's waist, making him gasp. Feeling bolder, he moved his hand under my blouse and began trailing the pads of his fingers in simple patterns all over my stomach and belly, a couple of times skimming along the waistband of my sweatpants.

Then he stopped and sucked in a breath.

“What's-?” he whispered.

I frowned for a second, but then my face straightened and I clenched my teeth when I realised that his fingers stumbled upon the wide, thick, irregular scar that ran from below my ribs on the right side to my left hip.

I made a step back, removing his hands, letting my hands fall to my sides and my head hang low. 

“Wha-?”

I took a long, shallow breath.

“A titan bit me,” I said quietly. “On an expedition out of the Utopia District.”

Armin's eyebrows drew together, creating a wrinkle between them. He made a move to reach out to me, but I shook my head.

“Just...” I took a deep breath. “Just let me talk first.”

He nodded, getting paler and sadder by the moment.

“It would have bitten me in half if Squad Leader Ness killed it only a second later.” I glanced to the ceiling and then through the window, not allowing myself to look at Armin. “But it cut through my skin and fractured my pelvis, and...” I nervously ran my tongue over my lips. “And the medics at the infirmary had to remove some... thing... that was too damaged. I don't even know how my spine got through all that without a scratch, but that was about it.”

“So... that's why your steps are sometimes uneven.” Armin whispered absently.

“You've noticed?” I smiled weakly. “Of course you've noticed. I still feel it sometimes.”

“So you are not-”

“Yeah.” I rubbed my face and closed my eyes. “I will never have children. Ever. I haven't even been bleeding since then.” I snorted. “Another thing added to my wonderful self.”

I opened my eyes when Armin took that one step that separated us and got down to his knees. He circled his arms around my waist and snuggled me close, pressing the side of his head to my stomach. My lips parted when I looked down to him and I felt my eyes stinging.

“It's okay,” he murmured. “It's okay. And it doesn't change what I feel. It's okay.” I sighed, trailing my fingers up to brush through his soft hair.

“Come on,” I said lightly. “We are both tired, and it's another long day waiting for us tomorrow.”

Once we were both tugged under the blankets, facing each other and with our limbs entangled in a close cuddle, I closed my eyes and allowed those two withheld drops to flow down my cheeks and sink into the pillow.

“It's okay,” Armin muttered on the verge of sleep. “It's okay.” His hand trailed to the back of my head and I nuzzled his neck. His breath evened and slowed down after a while... I focused on it and on his heartbeat that I could feel under my palm pressed to his chest, and it lulled me to sleep.

Little did I know that in the morning, burning hell was going to break loose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still roll my eyes over seeing skinny as hell Armin, who had three years of tough physical training after him. Sure, it varies from person to person, but I'm skinny by default, too, and it took me _one_ year of mild working out to buff up quite a bit. I call bullshit. Plus, he's 19-20 in this chapter, all hail last months of puberty.
> 
> *Yes, I do have a thing for nice eyelashes. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> *[Have an Armin.](http://pandanoi.tumblr.com/post/64427325529/then-again-this-is-not-what-i-should-be-doing)  
> *Please let me know what you think, I'd really love to hear that! ♡♡  
> *Thank you for all the kudos, bookmarks and subs! ♡


	10. Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hell of Trost begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mentions of self-harm, for self-hate thoughts, lime, and swearing.

_So this is how Shiganshina looked back then._

All ruin. Holes in roofs and in walls, bricks, tiles, shards of glass splayed around like after... well...

Blood on the cobblestones. Blood on the walls. On the windows. On the doors. On the roofs. Chunks of flesh. Mutilated bodies. Everything rotting in the sun, the first truly warm Spring day that mocked the scene in the worst way possible. The air reeked so vile that my first reaction was to vomit – even considering how the countless times I had to breathe the smell of disintegrating titans and decomposing comrades over the past two years.

Trost was a walled district, a closed space. There was nowhere for the odour to go.

Jean and I passed Annie, who stood frozen in the middle of a street. I barely spared her a glance when I heard her muttering apologies that echoed in her big, empty eyes.

_I'm sorry, too._

“Jean... take this alley, I'll go through this one,” I rasped, gesturing to the left.

“Huh?” Jean turned to me, all pale and sweaty.

“Take the right alley, I'll take the other one.”

“I was supposed to be taking the left ones.”

“ _Do as I say!_ ” I growled angrily, but my voice broke at the last syllable and I looked away, fighting sudden tears in my eyes.

_You can't go this way, Jean, you can't, you can't, you can't. You can't see him._

_I'm sorry, Jean._

_I'm sorry, Dita._

_I didn't have your one blessed second._

_I'm sorry, Marco._

_I'm so sorry._

* * *

_Mhhh... my bed smells of Armin._

I took a deep breath, slowly exhaling the air along with the remnants of a night dream.

_No... it IS Armin._

My eyes shot wide open only to meet his face, calm, peaceful, asleep, and I could have sworn there was a tint of a smile on his lips that were a little parted and oh so lovely. His hair was an utter mess, tangled and spilled over his face and on the pillow and I couldn't help myself thinking if that was how it would look after, _ehm_... I didn't finish the thought.

Armin muttered something incoherent and tightened the grip of his arm that was thrown over my side. I smiled lightly and cuddled him closer.

_Oh._

_Oh my._

_Oh my._

_Back in the mountains, I was spooning him from behind, so I didn't really-_

_Oh my._

My face went cherry red while I was horribly embarrassed and completely surprised, horrified about what should I do, and a little...

_Oh my._

Yeah.

A little turned on.

Because I was pretty sure about _what_ was pressed against my thigh.

I craned my neck to glance over Armin's head. In the dim dawn light I could see that Vinnie's bed was already empty and her uniform gone, including her gear. We both had a habit of getting up earlier than we used to during our trainee years, but Vinnie had perfected the routine and I rarely got to see her in the mornings until I would get to the mess hall.

In other words, Armin and I were left alone. Again. But this time we were in one bed, he had no shirt on, and, um... there was _it_. It. I felt a bit perverted and very much ashamed when I carefully slid my thigh forward to get, um, a better angle.

_Oops._

Armin stirred and his eyes fluttered open, his smile warmed up at the sight of me... until he noticed how much I was blushing, and after a second of confusion his eyes went as round as saucers and his cheeks burned red. He shuffled back, nearly falling off the bed, but I steadied my hold on his waist and kept him in place. He sat up instead and turned his bare back to me.

“Uh... I should go to the dorm, most people would be there by now,” he mumbled under his nose, trying to ignore that now also his ears were in a shade of a tomato. He bent down and grabbed his shirt to put it on right away. I frowned. There was a particular kind of nervousness in his moves, but I wasn't sure if it was because of _it_.

“Armin...” I reached out my hand and carefully scooped his. He paused dressing up, only one arm in its sleeve. “Come on.”

He didn't answer nor looked at me, but didn't pull away either. His hand was stiff and clammy.

“Come here,” I said gently, brushing my thumb over his palm and I sat up as well.

Armin sighed and twisted around to sit sideways and glance at me. His eyes were damp and red and he was biting his lips forcefully. I circled his torso and brought him down for a hug. He hid his face in the crook of my neck and let out a shaky breath, timidly sliding his arms around my waist, but still keeping distance.

“I'm sorry,” he muttered hopelessly into my shoulder. “I've never been more embarrassed in my life, and I'm such a cry-”

“What are you sorry about?” I cut him off, trying to lift his face and glance at him, but he was having none of it, so I decided to take his hand once again and I started pressing kisses over his fingers, already knowing his answer.

“ _You know._ ” He drawled awkwardly.

“I know what you are referring to, but I don't see why should you be sorry,” I said, bringing his hand closer and trailing the kisses up to his wrist. “In fact, I think it's... umm...” I gulped. “... flattering?” I squeaked in such a tiny voice that a mouse would snicker at it.

“Huh?” Armin's face moved a little, his nose brushed up my neck.

“Y-you know what I mean?” I continued timidly. _FUCK, WHY is this SO AWKWARD?_ “I- I mean, it's... um... me, right? In here? Wi-with you?” I went back to kissing his palm and wrist.

_You are a fucking Survey Corps Squad Leader and have three years of murderous training and two years of deadly duty behind you, and you are stuttering like a 15-years-old?_

_Yes. Yes, I am._

“I... see.” Armin took a slow, calming breath and turned his head to rest his temple on my shoulder. I kept absently holding and kissing his wrist until I registered something that my mind was nagging me about for good three minutes. I frowned and brought his hand lower to peek at it. A wave of shock and sadness rolled over my heart.

“Armin... what's this?”

“Eh? N-no, it's nothing, it's nothing!” He jolted aside, tore the wrist out of my grasp and pressed his forearm to his bare chest to hide its underside, but it was too late. My lips, while tracing over his skin, had sensed those little irregularities and I had to take a look to make sure, and there they were, thinner and thicker, pale rows of scars all across his forearm.

That was why he had been putting on his shirt in such a hurry.

“They are all old, I don't do it any more!” Armin blurted out, staring at my pained expression in panic. “I swear! I stopped three years ago!” He let his hands fall to his lap, inner side up, and his gaze dropped down to glare at the scars. “I promise. I swear. I'm sorry.”

Somewhere in the courtyard, the bell announced it was six o'clock.

My expression changed into one of steel determination and I got to my feet.

“Wait, wha- what...? What- oh, I- I'll leave, okay, I-”

In three huge steps, I got to the door and jammed the lock shut. I bit my lips and turned around to look at him.

“Why?” I asked gently and walked over to sit on the bed next to him.

“ _Why not?_ ” Armin chuckled hysterically. He tilted his chin up and gazed at the ceiling. “I hate how I am, I've always hated that, ever since I was bullied the first time and couldn't do anything about it. I'm weak. I've always been smaller and so much weaker than everyone else, not able to even ever defend myself and always getting beaten up before Eren and Mikasa would come to rescue me like a pathetic damsel in distress. What's to like about me?” He peeked at me for a heartbeat and stared at his hands again. “And how do I even look? I hate everything about me.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “I didn't feel anything at all when I was... cutting. Nothing whatsoever. Like I wasn't there. It was like brushing teeth or dressing up, almost automatic, the brain switches off... I... _liked_ that state.”

I pinched my lips and sniffed, averting my blurred vision from him to the floor. My arm darted to wrap around his shoulders and I pulled him to my chest, letting out a choked sob. My other hand went up to dive into his hair and press his head to my collarbone. Armin squeaked in surprise, but after a moment he circled my chest with his arms and nuzzled my neck.

“I adore everything about you!” I said in a humid tone, rocking us both forward and backwards a little. “You are the smartest, the most intelligent, the most clever, the most interesting person I've ever met, and...” I trailed off, suddenly becoming aware where I was heading. “And... really handso- really g-good looking, too. I adore everything in you,” I finished quietly.

Armin gulped.

“I... told you that I stopped three years ago, right?” he asked in a low voice as well. “So... you know what that means, right?”

“Three years...” I repeated slowly. “That's when you enlisted for training.”

“That's when we met again, after those four years,” he corrected me. “Eren and Mikasa are my best friends, don't get me wrong, but... you can look at this from the same point of view, relate to it, you know... how it is. I remembered that right in our first conversation on my first day. I decided that... I'd try to be as strong as you, and I didn't want to disappoint you.” His hold on me tightened. “And here I did. I'm sorry.”

“Disappoint me?” I whispered. “You've never disappointed me. Ever. Not now either. And you are stronger than you think. You've been through so much, and you are still here, despite everything that's happened, you keep going. _That's_ what being strong is about.” I pressed a kiss into his dishevelled hair.

Silence melted our surroundings. It was a good silence, a calm breeze after a storm, with sun rays making their way through the clouds and the fresh smell after the rain.

The bell announced half past six.

“Thank you,” Armin mumbled into my shoulder with a sigh. His hands moved and he started stroking my back up and down. “I should go. We had an hour extra before getting up today, but now the time is up.”

“Fifteen minutes?” I murmured, running my fingers through his hair, carefully untangling any knots that formed in them overnight.

“I don't like hurrying things up,” he muttered and his ears went red, at the sight of which my cheeks flooded pink. “Fifteen minutes is hardly enough to... do things properly.”

_Wait... he thought I was referring to-? Are we talking about... this?_

“What if you... overslept?” I asked timidly. Armin straightened up and looked at me with the same flushed face and wide eyes.

“I... suppose... some will oversleep...”

The hand I had kept on his bare back trailed up. His skin was covered in goosebumps and his gaze was skipping between my eyes and lips.

_We are going to do it. Holy fuck. We are totally going to do it._

Armin's fingers skimmed under my chin and he tilted my head before his lips firmly connected with mine and immediately began a slow, hungry dance. I hummed at the back of my throat and slid my hand down to the nape of his neck, while I dug my fingernails of the other into his back, pulling him closer. Armin gasped, his hands were everywhere and nowhere, on my shoulders, on my waist, on my hips, on my back, then at my shoulders again, on my sides, tracing some probably magical patterns that made me let out tiny whimpers, which in turn made me more flustered at their sound and the fact that I was the source of it. I dragged my fingernails up his back and removed his arm from the one sleeve he had managed previously to put on. The shirt fell to the floor and was accidentally kicked aside when our legs moved and I found myself laying on the bed with Armin half-laying-half-sitting beside me, leaning far forward over me and continuing the heated kiss. One of his hands was next to my head, keeping him up, while the other trailed from my shoulder to my neck and to my cheek... until it slid down and his thumb brushed far under the collar of my blouse.

“Armin...” I sighed when we parted for air and locked our gazes; his eyes were darker blue than I had ever seen them, pupils full blown and eyelids drooping halfway. He dipped his head and bit my lip, keeping his stare at me, and sent me a small, daring smile that melted something down in my underwear.

A surge of courage sparked in my veins and I grabbed him and flipped us over, landing myself on top, straddling his hips. Armin gasped, the blush on his cheeks intensifying tenfold, and he breathed out my name before he sat up and with a suddenly timid glance he traced his hands around my waist, skimming under my blouse. I bit my lips and grasped the hem of it to pull it off me in one swift move.

A choked moan escaped between Armin's teeth when he stared at my bare chest with wide eyes... and I definitely felt _something_ nudging high up my inner thigh, which sent butterflies swarming in my belly and settling in a hot pool _down there_.

Armin placed his palm on my shoulder and carefully pushed me onto my back, until I was laying again and he settled over me, supporting himself on his elbows and knees. He dipped his head and covered my face in feather-light kisses that lead to my lips and to another starved exchange, tongues dancing, teeth nibbling, little hums and groans resonating deep in our chests. My hands wandered around his back, his chest, shoulders, abdomen, to his cheeks, into his hair, to the nape of his neck... I was so distracted that I hadn't realised his moves until his fingers grazed my left breast and I threw my head back with a mewl. Armin's kisses trailed off my mouth down my jaw and neck while the pads of his fingers gently dipped at my softness, exploring and trying to elicit more groans from me, which wasn't really difficult to achieve at that point.

The bell rang seven times.

“Mmmnnnn...” I tried saying his name, but that messy moan between rapid panting was all I could manage when the path of his kisses reached my right breast and his tongue flicked my nipple, making me close my eyes shut and my fingers entangle and close in his hair.

While his lips and teeth thoroughly caressed my right breast, his hand traced down from my left breast to my stomach and painfully slowly began crawling to my hip, to my thigh, and then... closer... closer...

I clenched my jaw in anticipation...

It lasted no longer than a blink. A weird, green-orange light flooded everything, so strong that I saw it under my eyelids, and a wall-shaking thunder followed. I opened my eyes and they met Armin's, still adorned with his deep blush, but now surprised... and scared. His parted mouth hovered a half of an inch above my nipple, a line of fast cooling saliva still connecting his lips with my breast.

We both turned our gazes to the window. 

A second later the ground shook as a series of crashes echoed outside.

We looked back at each other. The line of saliva between his mouth and my skin broke.

“Again...” Armin whispered. “It's happening... again...”

* * *

Jean was staring at me in disbelief in his eyes. The bottom half of his face was covered under a cloth, like everyone else's, and he was wearing thick elbow-length gloves and an apron.

“Kirstein, go that way, _that is an order!_ ” I snarled with a scowl, straightening my back.

“But why?” he asked in a wavering voice.

I glared at him with harshness balancing on a verge of desperation. Over his figure, I could see the market square where the strange titan had collapsed two days earlier and Eren had emerged from its nape.

* * *

I didn't even realise I was almost completely naked before Armin when I took off my sweatpants and pulled on my uniform trousers, my blouse pooled on the floor and my breasts out in the open, one of them still wet with his saliva. I wasn't sure if Armin himself paid attention, focused on throwing on his shirt and buttoning up while trying to fix his hair and, um... _loosen down_ at the same time. The pictures of what we had just been doing were flashing in my mind and the sensations lingered in my skin, but I forced myself to ignore them.

I picked up my blouse and put it on while Armin finished dressing up. He paused, staring at me. I pinched my lips.

“See you in the gas supply hall,” I spoke up. “Don't be late. I...”

We both flinched when someone knocked sharply at the door.

“TITAN!”

It was Vinnie.

Armin cupped my face and pressed a desperate, quick kiss onto my lips.

“I- I won't be late,” he stammered quietly. With that, he pivoted, unlocked the door, and jolted past Vinnie into the corridor. She barely spared him a glance, instead barging in and picking up my straps.

“Gear up. They are in.”

* * *

I was given command over five graduates that I didn't know, and Vinnie got another batch of five, all twelve of us ordered to keep the titans away from the evacuating civilians, just like most squads composed of rookies, saving the actual _experienced_ soldiers from the Garrison from doing anything too risky. I gritted my teeth.

Vinnie and I nodded at each other and she darted off to the west, to her assigned position. Her squad followed.

I took a deep breath and turned to measure my underlings, all green-faced with terror.

“All right, ladies. We are going out, and then we are going back, all together, in one piece. Listen to me and you just might make it.”

“Sir, you are a Survey Corps Squad Leader, sir?” A tiny, black-haired girl asked.

“Yes. That I am,” I said, fixing my chest strap and making sure the triggers are fine.

All five of them exhaled with a dose of relief.

“We got lucky,” a muscular, bald boy said.

 _Boys and girls, I call them boys and girls, and they are my age, if not older_ , I thought, watching as they were checking their gear. _But spending two years in the Corps makes you ten years older, doesn't it?_

“What are your names?” I asked, taking off my boot to shake an irritating stone out of it.

“Spieker, John, sir!”

“Walker, Doris, sir!”

“Schumacher, Jacob, sir!”

“Boulevard, Ellen, sir!”

“Zamoyska, Natasha, sir!”

My eyes darted towards the little black-haired girl again. She looked nothing like the Natasha I knew. Natasha from my trainee squad was tall, heavy, blonde, and had a horrible case of acne. This new Natasha was the exact opposite, with almost delicate build and immaculate skin.

“Nice to meet you, ladies!” I nodded at them. I pushed my leg into the boot. “I wish it was in better circumstances, but one can wish on many things in this fuck up, so let's take care of it first.”

_I have no idea what I'm doing._

_Somebody help me._

_Is this what a Squad Leader is supposed to be like?_

_Fuck fuck fuck._

“Everyone ready?”

“YES, SIR!!!”

“All right, let's go!”

* * *

_No abnormals. It's been three hours and among those nine we brought down, there was not a single abnormal. Were there no abnormals in Shiganshina either? Is this how it should be?_

_No, fuck no, “how it should be” is having no fucking titans at all, ever._

I looked over my shoulder at my squad. John was a little bruised after a titan swatted him onto a roof, but other than that, the six of us received not a scratch... but we were low on gas. All of them were peering at me in sheer admiration. I averted my gaze, forcing myself not to blush.

“Squad Leader, another is coming, ten metres class!” Ellen yelped, pointing her finger. My eyes followed the direction. A fat titan with long, bushy, grey hair and beard, but with a huge bald spot on top of its head.

“Let's put it down,” I said, grabbing my triggers and taking a step forward.

The titan stopped. So did I.

The next moment it was torn to shreds, a huge arm sprang from its mouth, then a head appeared, a torso, legs...

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!”

I wasn't sure if it was only me screaming, or if we all were.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!”

“IS THIS HOW TITANS ARE BORN?!”

“WHAT THE FUCK?!”

“HEAVENS SAVE ME!”

It had long, black hair, no lips, and was incredibly muscular.

It didn't pay any attention to us, despite our screams.

And just when I thought I had seen it all for the day, that was when it happened.

Another titan approached. The new one let out a blood-curdling roar and _attacked it_. And _killed it_.

“What the hell is this...? Follow it!”

“Squad Leader, I can hear the bells! The evacuation is completed!”

I kicked a broken tile aside, glaring at the abnormal that was fast marching away.

_What the hell are you, motherfucker?_

“Withdraw. Up the walls, ladies. Good job.”

“YES, SIR!”

* * *

_Hmm? Why aren't they moving? Did they miss the withdrawal signal?_

I narrowed my eyes at soldiers that were staying put at the top of the roofs not so far from where we killed our first titan. My squad obediently was keeping right behind me, so I glared for a moment at them and took a deep breath.

“Go ahead and climb up the wall, soldiers! I'm gonna check up on those ducks over there first!”

“Sir?!”

“GO!”

“YES, SIR!”

 _We are low on gas, even despite my instructions how to conserve_ , I thought. _Those rookies probably ran out already. They heard the bells, but they can't move. Dammit. Where are the supply troops?_

I landed with a loud thud on the most densely occupied roof.

“______?”

I turned to gaze at Marco with a deep frown.

“You are out of gas, the lot of you, aren't you?” I asked, sheathing my blades.

“Yeah.” Jean snorted apathetically from where he was sitting. “What gave us away?”

“And no one has seen the supply squad?”

“Nope.” Jean was full on with his sneering. _Ah, let him be, if that's how he copes. I've seen worse._

“We are done for...” Marco mumbled.

It took me two seconds to register that over Marco's shoulder, I saw Armin kneeling by a second floor window. I felt a pang in my chest. He was alive. But... something was wrong. Armin was in Eren's squad, with Mina, Thomas, Nack, and Millius, and...

“What happened to him?” I turned to Jean, but he only shrugged.

I walked over to him in fast, huge steps and dropped to my knees in from of him. He stared up at me with sheer terror in his eyes. He was covered in blood and some sticky, foul-smelling slime that I right away recognised as titan's saliva. The whole upper half of me had been soaked in it that day when I was saved by Dita and I knew I'd never forget how it reeks.

_FUCK. He almost got eaten?!_

There was no one else from Eren's squad on this rooftop. Not even Eren himself. I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly.

_All gone. They are all gone. He's the only one left from his squad._

“Armin...” I whispered gently, like to a little animal scared to the brink of death. Tears welled up in his eyes and began ceaselessly pour down his cheeks. “Are you hurt?”

_Three hours ago, we were in bed, about to... and everything was all right. Where are we now?_

“Armin, have you seen Eren?” someone behind me asked.

I peered aside to see Mikasa standing next to us. Armin let out a raspy sob and more tears fell.

_Mikasa... why did you have to ask this right now...? I need to teach you something about not bashing your friends and allies on the battlefield, intentionally or not..._

“In... In the 34th Trainees Squad...” Armin choked out. “In... our... our team... Thomas Wagner... Millius Zermusky, Mina Carolina... Nack Tius... and... E-Eren Yeager...!” He gasped for air. “The aforementioned five... bravely fell... in the line of duty...”

Behind us, lines of shock and disbelief shot between the rookies.

_What did you expect, people? This is always how it is. Always the same._

“He... saved me...” Armin whispered. “Eren... saved me and I... couldn't... I couldn't... do anything... I...”

_And you were so paralysed with fear that you were unable to move, only watching the others die around you. I know. I know, Armin. I'm sorry._

“I'm sorry!” he yelped, bending down until his hair hid his face and its ends brushed the tiles.

“Armin.”

Mikasa and I called him at the same time. I paused, and so did she, looking at each other. She dropped her gaze and nodded. I pinched my lips.

“Armin...” I scooped his hand in mine. One silent, little sob shook his spine. “There is no time for this right now. We have work to do first, you know that. Come on, stand up.”

He took a shuddering breath and straightened his back. His lips were still quivering, but a spark of determination fired in his bloodshot eyes. We both got to our feet and I skimmed his shoulder with my fingers. I inhaled enough air to feel like my lungs were about to burst and I turned to the rest of the rookies, my hands automatically landing on my hips. I towered over everyone on this roof – even over Bertolt – and it showed in their puzzled expressions.

“All right! One objective! Get the supplies!” I bellowed.

_I have no idea what I'm doing._

“We run to the headquarters. We are going to take out enough titans to make our way in, we restock our gas, and we are out to the walls. The more of us goes, the bigger chance we have.”

They listened to me with wide eyes.

“The headquarters... the whole place is swarming with them...” Marco muttered hopelessly.

“You might stay here and wait for the titans. They sure will come, and they won't stop, that I can promise.” I spoke up, taking my triggers and pinning new blades.

“I'm going.” Said Mikasa. 

“Huh?” Marco stepped aside when she pulled out her swords and approached the edge of the roof.

“We are strong. Squad Leader and I are strong. Extraordinarily strong. So much more than all of you. We both are going to kick those titan scum's collective asses... even our own, if it comes to it.” She glared over her shoulder at the speechless comrades. “ _You spineless cowards._ Are you so gutless and incompetent? Shame. Shame indeed. Stay here and watch in envy until you get eaten.”

“Mikasa? What the hell are you saying?”

“You can't take back the headquarters by the two of you!”

“If so, then we'll die.” She shrugged, raising her sword.

_Oh, for fuck's sake._

“But if we win,” she continued, “we get to live. And you can't win unless you fight.”

And she took off.

_Uuuuuuuuurrrgh... here it comes..._

“What-?!” Jean screeched.

And then everyone stared at me.

_Mikasa. WHY._

“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. “ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE A COMRADE TO DO YOUR JOB ON HER OWN?! MOVE IT! _MOVE IT!!!_ ”

A roar that was bolder and louder than that of the abnormal titan resonated from our throats.

We followed.

I looked back.

Armin was right behind me, the little spark turning into full blown fire.

_Here we go._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cockblocked by the Colossal Titan is a whole new level, isn't it?
> 
> *There is no mention ever of Armin harming himself, however: in one of the official smartpass interviews, he was asked what he liked about his appearance. My heart is still bleeding at his answer, which was: _nothing. Not a single thing_.  
>  *It was The Reader that I wrote the reply to Armin's self-hate confession for, but I mean every word of it. To every person out there who fights and struggles every day or not every day, you are all badass.  
> *Now you know where Armin was when the gate was destroyed, as he sure wasn't at the top of the wall with Eren and the others.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	11. Gut feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just as everyone restocked their gas tanks and thought that the day was done, of course the shit had to hit the fan. Again.

_Here we go._

Two dozens of us, or even three dozens, sprang forward, jumping from roof to roof and flying in the air when the distance was too long, towards the hill with the headquarters. I could hear screams around me whenever someone's luck ran out. I didn't look, focusing instead on the way before me, the whistle of the cold, cold wind in my ears, the whizzing of the wires and clatter of the anchors hitting the bricks, and my heartbeat that rammed against my ribs.

“Mikasa is going too fast!” Armin shouted to me. “She's using too much gas!”

My head turned to search for her figure and I found it – high above us and to my right, clouds of pale vapours trailing behind her. I narrowed my eyes. Yes, she definitely was going too fast.

_She's taking out her feelings about Eren's death like this, instead of breaking down and crying..._

“Mikasa!” I bellowed. “MIKASA! SLOW DOWN! SLOW-”

Too late.

Her propeller stuttered, she flew a couple of metres forward with the momentum, and then she was plummeting from a scarily huge height.

_No way anyone can pick her up before she's on the ground._

“MIKASA!” Jean screamed, but Armin and Connie were faster, already darting in the direction of the building she fell behind, but it was so, so far away...

“JEAN!” I screeched. “LEAVE IT! Armin and Connie will take care of her! GO FOR THE HEADQUARTERS!”

_Armin... don't you dare get hurt. Don't you dare._

I peered to the front and I cut off my gas, landing haphazardly on the nearest roof, and so did the rest of the group.

“What...” Sasha whispered in panic and disbelief. “How are we supposed to get in there with so many titans around? They are crawling all over the place!”

“It's not that I'm not prepared to die...” I heard Marco mumbling in the distance. Jean was staring at him with utter worry. “But... what exactly will I be dying for?”

I averted my gaze and stabbed my vision into the blocks of the headquarters.

“Help me! HELP!”

My head snapped towards the screams. One of the rookies was hopelessly trying to get up to the roof, but he was out of gas, pathetically squeezing the triggers like his gear wasn't letting out dry stutters.

“We're coming, hold on!”

“STOP!” Jean and I yelled. “DON'T!”

They didn't listen. Three of them jumped to the street, running to their comrade. I clenched my jaw.

Titans noticed them. We were too loud, and now the cadets ignored our warnings and didn't see the danger until it was too late. I watched, feeling like I had a stone mask plastered to my face, as they were picked one by one, wailing and squirming, and...

“This is our chance...” Jean mumbled. He glared at me in desperation.

“COME ON!” I gripped my triggers and began sprinting to the edge of the roof. “GO FOR IT WHILE THEY ARE OCCUPIED! GO FOR THE WINDOWS!”

One more propelled jump and the main building zoomed in at crazy speed. I squeezed my eyes shut, covered my face...

A series of deafening crashes shot through the air as all the windows on the third floor were broken from our impact, sending glass shards and chunks of wooden frames everywhere. I rolled to my feet, kicking some of the pieces aside and looked around, ignoring the streak that I could feel flowing down my left cheek. It seemed like I hadn't shielded my face well enough.

 _A quarter of them is missing_ , I calculated. _Maybe less. I sent a quarter of them to their deaths._

_No time for moping now. I need to get the rest of them out of here first._

_Armin, where are you... where are you..._

“What the fuck?!”

I pivoted to see Jean staring under the neatly aligned desks that I didn't spare a second glance before. Jean darted forward... and he dragged out a terrified cadet from underneath the tables.

_Supply squad._

“You guys... you are the ones responsible for the supplies?!” Jean yelled, fisting the front of the rookie's shirt. “What the fuck are you doing here?! Do you have any idea how many people are waiting for you?! HOW MANY DIED BECAUSE YOU ARE HIDING HERE LIKE FUCKING RATS?!”

He punched the boy in the face. Marco yelped and held a squirming and sneering Jean back from behind, trying to stop him from continuing the assault.

“The supply room is full of titans, what were we supposed to do?!” The punched boy wailed, pressing his hand to his injured cheek and scrambling back under the desk.

“IT'S YOUR FUCKING _JOB_ TO FIGURE IT OUT!!!” Jean bellowed.

“Jean... stop... calm down!” Marco panted.

 _There's too many of us in here_ , I thought suddenly. _Too many in such a small space, titans are going-_

“We need to get out of the room, the titans are-!” I shouted, but I was cut off by a loud crash behind my back.

_They got us-_

Something that undoubtedly must have been a piece of a brick hit the back of my head.

“Squad Leader?!”

I was out.

* * *

_I can... Am I... Wait..._

_Wait._

_This smell?_

_WAIT._

My eyes shot open and I sat up with a gasp.

“Hey, take it easy! Please. Lay down.”

“Armin?”

“Yes. Lay down, please.” He carefully held the back of my head and my shoulder to help me.

I splayed myself back on the dusty wooden floor. It was some supply room in what could only be the headquarters. Crates and chests upon crates and chests upon dust and webs. I looked at the grey ceiling.

_He still reeks of titan saliva._

_Sigh._

“What's going on? How long I was out? Are Mikasa and Connie okay? What about the others?” I asked quickly, staring at his shiny face and damp hair.

_If it only wasn't fucking titan spit..._

“Not long, thank heavens. We've just got here. But you may have a concussion, so don't strain yourself, please,” he said gently, stroking my head. “We are about to clear out the supply room. Mikasa and Connie are fine, we are all fine. All of us...” he trailed off. “Everyone _here_ , they are fine.”

I caught his hand that was brushing through my hair and entwined our fingers. Armin sighed and grazed my palm with his thumb.

“How did you get here?” I frowned.

“You won't believe what we've seen...” Armin tried to smirk, but it looked hysterical. “There is an abnormal that is killing other titans. It's not-”

“The one that isn't interested in eating people,” I cut in slowly. “So it wasn't a coincidence it attacked that one back then...”

“You've seen it?!” Armin hissed with wide eyes.

“I... I'm not even sure what I saw,” I mumbled. “It's too unbelievable to trust my own eyes... I think we saw how new titans come to be, although...”

“Huuuh?” Jean stood at the threshold, his eyebrow went up. “What are you-”

“Armin, Jean, it's ready!” Marco called from another room. Footsteps echoed at the faded walls and he, too, appeared in the open door. “You're awake, thank goodness! You got us all worried... How are you feeling?”

“I'm fine.” I scowled and sat up, despite Armin's protests. “What's the plan?”

I listened intently to Armin's scheme, fixing my vision on the floor.

“Who's going to kill the titans?” I asked when he finished. He was searching for approval in my eyes.

“Mikasa, Annie, Bertolt, Reiner, Connie, Sasha, and Jean. They are in the top ten and-” Marco answered with a worried wrinkle on his forehead.

“Aren't _you_ in the top ten, too?” I cocked my eyebrow.

“Yes.” He gave me a little embarrassed smile. “But I'm way better with a rifle than with the swords, so I'll be better off on the platform.”

I waved it off.

“I'll go. Tell Sasha or Connie they can stay up.” I got to my feet and stretched.

“You shouldn't be standing up!” Armin complained, gripping my shoulders and pulling me to sit down on some crate. “You got hit with a chunk of a wall and might have a con-”

“I know what having a concussion feels like,” I cut him off. “Been through it two times since I got to the Corps. I don't have one right now.”

Connie gave Sasha a kick in the butt until she gave in and took a spare rifle from Marco. When the chosen 7 of us were walking downstairs to take our spots, I rubbed the back of my head and noticed that my hair and skin on my nape were damp - I wasn't surprised when I saw my fingers coated in blood when I took a look.

_Great. My favourite comfy blouse._

“Remember, if you fail to strike the nape, there is a second secret way to kill a titan!” Reiner spoke in his booming voice.

“Whaaaat?!” Connie's eyes almost popped out of their sockets. “How? What is it? How you do it? Why didn't I know?”

“Might be 'cause you are shit at listening to lectures, Connie,” Jean, who was walking next to me, mumbled so quietly that I probably was the only one who heard him.

“Ya, there is a second option!” Reiner guffawed. “You only have to stick the sword up the titan's ass and here you go!”

“Whoaaa...”

“Reiner, those might be your last words, you know?” Jean snorted. I rolled my eyes.

“All right, ladies, be quiet now,” I said. “We're in.”

* * *

“... And then we used the abnormal titan to clear the way,” Armin concluded the story of how he, Connie, and Mikasa arrived to the headquarters. He finished filling his left tank and picked up the other. “From what I gather, it's probably still attacking its own kind out there.” He scowled. “But what you said about it... that is downright scary, if scary even applies here any more. It's like...”

Jean and Marco were talking quietly a bit farther from us, but I could hear them well.

“Me? A leader? Are you kidding?” Jean snarled, but his face fell when Marco calmly proceeded to explain his point.

“We should try to catch it.” I murmured under my breath to Armin.

“Catch... catch it...? Catch... _a titan?_ ” Armin whispered, scratching his forehead and stabbing his vision into his knees. “An abnormal one to it?”

“We had two titans in the South Base,” I whispered. “Captured under Squad Commander Hange's watch last year. We gathered a little new information thanks to that.”

“Research...” Armin mumbled. “ _That's_ the classified research you mentioned in one of your letters back then? Experimenting on titans?”

I ran my fingers through my hair.

“Yeah. That was it. But having an abnormal... especially this unimaginable kind... I _feel_ in my bones that it would turn the things around a big deal.” I sighed. “But no point dreaming about it when the whole Corps is away, there's not a chance to try catching it with the rookies or the Garrison.”

I tapped my knuckles on my gas tanks. A pleasant, muffled, nearly inaudible sound reached my ears. They were full. Armin checked his and nodded.

“Everyone ready?” I spoke up. I got to my feet and headed to the back door. The blood on the back of my head was dry now, making my hair stiff and pulling at it whenever I twisted my neck too much.

A wave of tired confirmations rolled around the hall. I sighed.

_We've made it. We've really made it._

“LET'S GO!”

I pushed the door open. Light flooded in, blinding me momentarily, but I could hear well - no thumping footsteps around. Once I adjusted, my eyes reassured me that there were no titans on this side of the building. I exhaled with relief and darted forward.

“Come on!”

I pressed my triggers and sprang in the air. Wind. Wind on my face and in my hair, no suffocating, dusty supply hall that reeked of decomposing titans.

_Just a little more, just to the wall..._

“Mikasa?”

I turned my head and slowed down upon hearing Armin. The rest of the rookies passed me, without taking a single glance back when I landed on a roof.

“Armin, what is it? What happened to Mikasa?”

Armin didn't answer, staring somewhere over the balcony they were standing on. Jean, Reiner, and Annie landed next to them, and Bertolt followed soon after. He took one peek at the mysterious scene and his skin went immediately white.

“What's-” I hissed, taking one step, another, and another, and almost running to them in the end. Once I reached Armin, I looked down, to the street, and I froze.

The abnormal titan was embedded in a ruined building, surrounded by other, smaller of its kind, letting out pained growls.

The other titans were eating it.

“What... the...” I panted. “What the hell?”

_Titans eat humans just to eat them, not to kill them, we only get killed as a side effect, if you can call it that way, and they eat anyone regardless if the person is a soldier or a civilian... but they are eating its own kind that attacked them earlier? Are they treating it like a human? Titans were not supposed to eat anything except humans. What the fuck is this?_

_And the way this abnormal came to be... from..._

_... from..._

_... From a stomach of another titan._

_From the same stomach where devoured people are stored._

I frowned.

_What does it mean? There is something, I can feel it, something's-_

“I think this titan is done for...” Jean remarked. “As fabulous as you've described it, it can't fight now, and that's good. One less motherfucker to deal with. Come on, we need to get to safety.”

“I think we should help it.” Mikasa said quietly.

“What?!” Jean spat. “Are you insane?! Help a titan?!”

“I agree with her,” said Reiner.

“Huh? When did you get here, you, guys?” Armin looked at them over his shoulder.

“We might learn new information if it survives,” Annie pointed out. “We should kill the titans that are eating it.”

“And what else, maybe feed it some humans so it'd feel better?!” Jean sneered.

“I don't think that-” Reiner began, but he stopped abruptly. He looked at Bertolt.

“It might become an ally...” Annie added.

“A... titan... _an ally?!_ ” Jean's expression was fighting between horror and disgust.

Armin gasped and his hand absently darted to clench at my sleeve.

“That- that's- that's the abnormal titan that ate Thomas...”

A skinny, 13 metres class approached. Its limbs were disproportionally long, making its wobbly strides resemble those of a spider.

 _Thomas Wagner_ , I thought. _That kid with jokes so awful that they were almost funny, who had sideburns and a crush on Mina Carolina. Mina is dead now, too._

I unclasped Armin's hand from my sleeve and entwined our fingers.

The abnormal titan, which was nearly lethargic when we had found it, suddenly rose its head and let out a deafening roar, making everyone on the roof flinch. It shook off all of the smaller titans from its body, kicked some of them aside, and sprang towards the new target. Since both of its arms had been already chewed off, it leaned over the spider-legged titan and...

“It... it bit right into the weak spot?” Jean said in a thin voice.

That wasn't the end of it. Once the abnormal titan had its jaws firmly sunken into the nape of the other, it squatted a little, twisted its spine...

It flung the spider-legged titan at the smaller specimens that previously were chewing on the abnormal, killing two instantly, and crippling the others. Just a little more, and all the titans in the market were dead.

“Scratch what I've said, it still can bite...” Jean muttered. He was completely pale. A bead of sweat ran down his temple. “What the hell is this...?”

As soon as he said it, the titan roared piercingly one more time, and then it fell to its knees, to finally collapse on the cobblestones of the market square.

Reiner and Jean sighed at the same time, the former with disappointment, the latter with relief.

“Come on,” Jean rasped. “There's nothing more to see here.” He turned and took out the triggers-

“What's-?!” Armin gasped.

We watched with wide eyes as a rift appeared in the nape of the abnormal's neck... and something... something appeared in it, obscured by the vapours of the decomposing carcass...

“That's... that's a _human_...” I whispered weakly. “There's a _human_ in the nape... of a titan's... neck... in... in the _weak spot_...” I pressed my cold hand to my forehead, my eyes staring absently at the scene, and I leaned forward, supporting myself on the railing of the balcony. “A human in the weak spot... a human...”

_Ten centimetres by one metre... that's... that's length of the main nervous system stem, the brain and the spinal cord... titan's weak spot... is the size of a human nervous system... there was a human in the nape of this abnormal..._

_Titans..._

_Oh god, no..._

_No..._

“Armin...” I muttered so quietly that even my ears struggled to pick it up. “Armin...”

“What is it?” he asked just quietly, leaning his head to me and wrapping his arm around me worriedly to steady my stand. “Are you feeling sick? Dizzy? Is your head hurting? You are so pale...”

“Armin... titans...” I gulped. “I think titans are people.”

A shot of the anchors was followed by the whiz of the wires.

“Mikasa?! Where are you going?!”

She didn't listen. She landed right on the abnormal's back and sprinted to the lone figure poking out of its nape.

“It's Eren.” I mumbled absently. “It's Eren.”

Of course it was Eren.

I thought about how I had never seen Mikasa cry. Sure, we hadn't seen each other every day and there were long years when we hadn't heard a word from each other, but she had never cried, or for that matter, express any strong emotion. I never doubted that she was capable of feeling as much as any other person, if not even more, but she was good at concealing it...

And there she was, clutching Eren to her chest, head tilted up to the sky, and wailing aloud like a little child. I closed my eyes.

“His arm and leg...” Armin whispered. “They were bitten off.”

My thoughts were running loose.

_Why... why couldn't we just stick to the good old killing titans and going on expeditions... why did this fuck up had to happen... why did things have to get complicated..._

_No. No. This is good. This is progress._

_This is huge._

I frowned.

_Colossal Titan. Appearing all of a sudden, and disappearing in the thin air in a matter of seconds. Both times aiming for the gates, for the weak spots of the walls. Vinnie said that before it destroyed the one here, it swiped the canons off the wall. It's intelligent. Could it be...?_

“Armin...”

Mikasa carried Eren up to the balcony. His left sleeve, boot and trousers up to his left knee were missing, the cloth torn at the edges, but his limbs were all fine, as good as new. Armin let go of me and knelt down next to his best friends, scooping up Eren's hand in disbelief. Tears welled up in his eyes.

"What... what the hell happened?" He mumbled, staring over Eren's shoulder at the steaming remains of the abnormal titan.

_It sure did turn the things around._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As planned, I've been sticking more or less to the canon plot so far, but you can see here that it begins to stride off from it - and from the next chapter on, we will go deeper.
> 
>  
> 
> ... pffft. Not in _that_ meaning. ~~Yet.~~


	12. Somebody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of the battle of Trost raises even more questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blood, gore, character death, spoilers from manga ch. 76/77. I'm skipping some of the moments that were thoroughly shown in the manga and anime, since we all know what was said there and I find it dull to just repeat after it - plus those moments are going to become extinct pretty soon in this fic.

_Fucking small fries._

_Fucking cowards._

_I wonder how this would go if I weren't here._

We sat in the basements: Armin, Mikasa, Eren, and me. Eren was still unconscious, with weird red marks on his face, running a fever and muttering incoherently. Neither of us were restrained in any way, we weren't locked up in any cell either - just located in one of the many storage rooms, this one completely empty save for a table, benches, and dust. Four Garrison soldiers stood by the closed door, staring at us with insecurity written all over their pale, sweaty faces.

I rubbed my forehead and sighed, bottling up another gulp of my annoyance. I made use of the eloquent Squad Leader stripes on my uniform and demanded separation of the four of us from the immediate judgement that was clearly on its way once the Garrison morons tried to arrest everyone found on that blasted balcony. One Squad Commander pissed me off in particular: I recognised him as the same motherfucker that was quick to bark orders while shitting his own pants and making pathetic excuses to stay away from the battlefield. He didn't even dare to stay in the same room as our little group.

Eren was laying on one of the benches with his head in Mikasa's lap and with our three jackets spread over his body - curiously, his own gear and jacket were gone without a trace. Were they left in the corpse of that freak titan?

For the time being - and safety - I bit my tongue and held myself back from talking about the suspicions I made on the balcony, but I couldn't keep them from piercing my mind, so I just sat there, my elbow on the table and my fist pressed tight to my lips. I was frowning, but my eyes weren't locked onto anything, staring absent-mindedly into space. The blood that soaked into my blouse had dried and made it unpleasantly stiff and scratchy.

I closed my eyes for a minute before I turned to the guards with the most stern expression I could muster.

“Bring some cold water and a rag, the kid's got a fever. And a blanket, to it, too, if you will.”

All four looked at me and said nothing. I gritted my teeth and stood up; since the tallest of them was not even Eren's height, I had good ten inches of advantage over them, as well as my scarred, irritated mug and the Survey Corps emblems of I-take-no-shit-so-don't-fuck-with-me.

“Don't make me repeat twice. You do realise we are sitting here only because that's the most convenient option, right? We are not under arrest. There would be no problems with going through whatsoever if we felt like leaving.”

“Yes, sir.”

One of the soldiers tightened his lips and promptly left the room.

I glanced at Eren. He was frowning in his sleep. He snored and more gibberish left his mouth. Mikasa's gaze was fixed on his face; her eyes were still red, eyelids puffy, and her tears had left clean lines in the dirt on her cheeks.

Eventually, my stare wandered to Armin. As if he felt it, he answered with an exhausted, worried look. The same dirt that settled on his skin harboured itself in the lines of his scowl, adding 10 years to his appearance. He sighed and ran his hand through his greasy hair. The reek of the titan's saliva lingered around him and I could smell it from afar.

_I'm so tired..._

I sat down next to him, close enough for our sides to brush against each other.

“How is your head?” he asked quietly. I felt his little finger grazing timidly my palm under the table and I took his hand.

“Like Levi trained his hits on it,” I muttered sourly. “Humanity's Strongest,” I added upon his puzzled stare.

“I'm convinced that title should be yours by now,” Armin whispered. I snorted.

“I hope Pixis arrives soon, this dungeon creeps me out. It reminds me of the basement back at home, and did I hate that place... Going downstairs to get potatoes was a nightmare.”

“I used to imagine the jars in our basement had weird creatures from the outside world in them instead of pickles,” he said with a sad smile.

“Oh? I used to do that, too.” I chuckled.

“I... will...”

Our eyes shot to Eren. A vicious smirk twisted his mouth and his eyelids opened a fraction, drunkenly pointed at the ceiling.

“... kill... you... all...”

My stomach dropped. It was barely a whisper, so quiet that while we sat next to him, we had to strain our ears to hear anything, but it made me want to run away. Armin squeezed my hand with desperate strength. I bit my lips.

“... titans...”

I closed my eyes and let my head tilt down a little.

“... kill...”

I peeked at the three guarding soldiers, who looked about ready to piss themselves at the spot.

The door opened. The fourth soldier appeared, carrying everything I had required. His steps wavered when he approached the table and quickly left the items to retreat in panic. I rolled my eyes when I saw that the water was brought in a goatskin.

_Great. None for me, then._

Armin and I got to our feet to take off our jackets from Eren and cover him with the itchy blanket instead. I soaked the rag with water and placed it on his forehead. The odd markings were slowly fading from his drenched skin.

“Thank you,” murmured Mikasa, not sparing us a single glance.

 _I'm tired_ , I thought again.

“Do you want some?” Armin asked, holding out the water.

“Can't. I'm allergic to goatskin.”

“Huh?” He frowned. “Could you bring us water in a bottle?” He glared at the soldiers, doing his best to look intimidating. “Squad Leader can't-”

“I will... kill... you all...!” Eren rasped, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear him. One of the guards yelped and all of them drew their guns to point them at us.

“ _Is this what you are protecting?!_ ” another screeched. “Monsters!”

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, the fucking coward of a Squad Commander barged in with a dozen of soldiers behind him.

_We are screwed._

“I knew what you were hiding!” Squad Commander yelled, bulging his eyes at us. “You are all spies! Admit it! Confess!”

I hissed between my teeth and stood up to make the same intimidating effect as I blasted upon the soldiers half an hour ago. Except... both times I miscalculated.

“See, sir?!” The guard that had brought us the blanket and water stepped closer to the officer. “I've said so, sir! She's one of them, sir, look at that posture, sir! No woman looks like that, sir! No human looks like that! And that Asian clan girl there, she has inhuman strength and abilities! I knew all Asians were always titan spies, and here is the proof! They are all titans, sir!”

“That blonde girl was talking about creatures from the outside world that were kept in her basement, too, sir!” Another guard spoke up, glaring at Armin.

_Blonde girl. Good grief. He blind or something?_

“We are not titans nor titan spies!”

A shiver ran down my spine when I heard him. Armin got to his feet and walked over to keep the three of us protectively behind his back. His voice came out loud and clear, and its low pitch evoked confusion on the faces of the soldiers, apparently truly convinced that Armin was female.

“That's what the enemy would say!” Squad Commander shouted, spraying his saliva in the air. His eyes were darkened in panic. He drew his sword and pointed it at us. “You are all traitors!”

 _Not US_ , I thought suddenly. _But there IS a traitor somewhere in the ranks. There must be. Probably more than one._

“We are all soldiers sworn to protect the humanity from the titan threat!” Armin bellowed, straightening his back and pinning his hands in a salute. I did the same. “We offered our hearts to the humanity and the king, and if our duty requires us to lay our lives to ensure safety, that is what we will do!”

“LIARS! LYING BASTARDS!” The officer screamed. He ogled Eren. “YOU THERE, MONSTER! TELL US! ARE YOU A HUMAN... _OR A TITAN?!_ ”

Everyone stared at Eren. The shock and confusion on his face made my stomach twist around itself.

_He doesn't remember._

“What's- what does this mean?” he mumbled, shifting his asking gaze from me to Armin, to Mikasa. “A... titan? How could I be-”

His features smoothed.

“It... wasn't a dream...? What-”

His eyes widened. He stared up at the Squad Commander.

“HUMAN! I AM HUMAN!” Eren shouted, standing up. He wavered, though, and had to keep his hand on the table for support.

“LIAR! WE ALL SAW YOU, A TITAN WREAKING HAVOC IN TROST! YOU ARE ONE OF THEM! ENEMY SPY! WE ALL HEARD YOU IN HERE, SWEARING TO KILL THE HUMANITY! AND WHAT IS YOUR PROOF?! HOW CAN YOU PROVE THAT YOU ARE NOT AN ENEMY OF THE HUMAN RACE?!”

Armin's fist on the small of his back tightened so much that I could hear his knuckles cracking.

“There is no need for proof!” he yelled. “This has all been proven already! Many of you saw Eren fighting in Trost! He was killing the titans, not the humans! And titans were attacking him and devouring him like any human! Titans treat him like prey! He is the same target for titans like any human!”

“THAT'S JUST ANOTHER PART OF YOUR ACTS TO DECEIVE US! SOLDIERS, DRAW YOUR WEAPONS!”

I gulped and let a feral scowl twist my face. I took a big step forward and pushed Armin behind my back.

“What do you think y- _UMPH!_ ” I staggered back and automatically pressed my hands to the right side of my ribs.

I thought it was so weird that I heard the shot after it hit me. Armin screamed my name.

_It's okay, Armin. It only grazed the skin._

“You shot a Survey Corps veteran,” I said slowly, nearly disbelieving, taking a couple of steps back to sit down on the table, not taking my eyes off the blood that was dripping between my fingers. “A Survey Corps Squad Leader.”

“HOW DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF THAT, TITAN SPY?!” The coward officer shrieked.

“Sir, it's blood! If it bleeds, we can kill it, sir!”

_Shit._

“STAND BY!”

Armin choked for air.

“Wait-” Eren rasped, reaching his arm out.

Mikasa jumped to her feet and drew her swords.

“TAKE TARGET!”

“He's so scared he's not thinking rationally...” Armin muttered. He looked at Eren and Mikasa, at me, at my wound. He clenched his fists. “WE ARE NOT THE ENEMY!” He yelled at the top of his lungs and saluted again. The officer raised his arm to give command to shoot.

“WE-”

I heard the commander shout _FIRE_. I heard the racket of the bullets being sprang forward. But...

Just a fraction of a second earlier, the familiar green-orange light burst around us, Armin and I were thrown backwards, I rolled over the table like a rag doll, and there was so much steam around, the foul-smelling kind that oozed from decomposing titans, and-

“What is this...” I choked out. “What in the hell is this...?”

I rubbed my face, forgetting that my hand was all caked in blood.

“What the hell...?”

“Fuck!” Armin's frantic whisper reached me through the vapours. “Are you okay?! Where are you?!”

“Here...” I sighed, pressing my hand to my wound again. It had stopped bleeding. I stared up to the ceiling build of gigantic muscles and bones.

_A titan appeared? Eren made himself into a titan at will? To shield us from the bullets? So it wasn't just a one time occurrence..._

“WHAT IS THIS?!”

“SQUAD COMMANDER, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!”

"STAND BY!"

_This is ground-breaking. This is going to change a lot of things. If we can use this-_

“Oh...” Armin had crawled on all fours to me and sat on his heels by my side. His face was deathly pale when he stared at me. “Oh god, please, don't die... this is so much blood...”

“It's not bleeding any more, Armin,” I said calmly, sitting up, which made my wound sting awfully. I winced. “It only grazed me. I'm a big person, so I have more blood to spare than someone smaller.”

He let out a long exhale and closed his eyes for a moment.

Something above us produced a creak that made my skin crawl, and a chunk of disintegrating bone fell next to Armin.

Armin gasped and darted away from it, bumping onto me - unfortunately, right at my wounded side. I hissed. His breath hitched.

“I'm sorry, oh god, did I hurt you?!”

“I'm fine."

He grabbed my hand. Mikasa shuffled towards us, pulling a half-conscious Eren after her. Her face was grey with shock.

“This is... Eren's doing...?” she whispered. The three of us stared up to the quickly disappearing protective cage made of titan flesh.

“We've got to run,” Eren mumbled, doing his best to keep himself upright. Cold sweat broke all over his skin and it was obvious that he was still running a fever. A line of watery blood began flowing down from his nostril.

“You are in no condition to run anywhere, Eren,” I said. “And there are probably three dozen Garrison soldiers out there after all this racket. You can't become a big titan in this tight space, and it seems like those transformations drain you severely. Your body is breaking down, Eren.”

“Eh?” Eren angrily wiped off the blood from below his nose. “I'm fine. _I'm fine!_ And we've got to do _something_.”

“I will fight them,” said Mikasa, tightening her grip on her swords. “And then we can escape.”

“They have _rifles_ , Mikasa,” I murmured.

“If we don't do something, we will end up dead anyway-”

“Unless...” Eren moved his eyes to Armin.

“What? _Me?_ ” Armin's eyebrows shot up in disbelief.

“You have an amazing ability to construct clever plans, Armin,” Mikasa pointed out quietly. “It saved all of us more than once.”

Armin stared at me in surprise, remembering what I had said ages ago... this morning. I nodded.

“I...” he stammered, but then his face took on a determined look. “Thank you. I can do this.”

With that, he got to his feet and marched into the vapours, out of our sight.

* * *

“This motherfucking coward shouldn't be in any commanding position,” I growled under my nose as we followed Commander Pixis. Every soldier automatically stepped aside to let the officer through, but when their eyes fell upon my stature, with my height, the blood that covered my jacket, my blouse, and my face - and the scar that ran across it - they rapidly jumped back, more often than not going absolutely pale.

Commander Pixis glanced over his shoulder at me with his typical small smile.

"Kitts Woerman isn't a bad officer, Squad Leader. For the peaceful times, that is. For a job of a regular Garrison Squad Commander, he is well suited. But yes, dealing reasonably with unexpected danger, especially of this calibre, is not a skill he possesses.” He turned back to watch the path before us: we were at the very top of Wall Rose, striding towards the Inner Gate. “In the Survey Corps, you are constantly in danger, used to facing titans on every expedition and while spending your time in the interior, you keep your bodies in shape to avoid the worst when you venture outside. In Garrison or in the Military Police, titans are only something that you watch from afar, if at all. Plenty of those soldiers haven't even seen a single titan in their lives.”

“With all respect, sir,” I cut in, gritting my teeth. “That's no excuse.”

Pixis chuckled, making me frown.

“Indeed, Squad Leader. It's an explanation, but no excuse.”

_Commander Pixis is sure an interesting man._

He approached the edge of the Wall to glance down to the titan-infested Trost and hummed.

“As usual... as usual... all ugly mugs.” He gave us another little, amused smile. “I wouldn't as much mind being eaten if it was some pretty titan female. Alas...”

_... or perhaps he's his own abnormal class among humans._

“Cadet, when you said that you had an idea how to stop the titans from flooding in, did you say it out of desperation to save your lives, or perhaps you are true to your word and indeed have formed some kind of plan?” Pixis turned on his heel to look at Armin. The face of the old commander was full of wrinkles that made his expression seem constantly a little cheerful, even in such situation, and I suppose it should've made my skin crawl, but somehow... I felt at ease.

“Both,” Armin said and bit his lips.

This time Pixis' smile widened enough to show that he was truly interested and content in some laid-back, hopeful, proud way.

“That's good.”

* * *

Vinnie's right forearm was bandaged and she had a huge bruise forming on her right cheekbone, but otherwise she was unharmed. She greeted me with a silent nod. We both watched as titans were being gathered in the far corner of Trost, lured by the dense gathering of soldiers at the top of the wall. I was glad I wasn't one of those poor souls ordered to dangle mere metres out of the reach of the tallest specimens. I preferred facing the titans and fighting head-on them over being this kind of bait.

“We should be going,” I said dryly, observing the tiny figures running along the edge of the Wall towards the broken Outer Gate. “They are about to arrive.”

“Yes, sir.” Vinnie gestured to her new squad and they sprang forth.

I took a deep breath and looked behind me. The rookie squad I commanded in the morning, while survived in 100 percent and without any worrisome injuries, was this time directed to aid the supply teams. As such, I ended up with Reiner, Bertolt, Annie, and Marco. The dynamics were very different when I knew that each one of them had placed in the top ten.

“All right,” I spoke up, making them snap their attention to me. “No unnecessary escapades. We take care only of the titans that endanger Eren or us. If it doesn't see us and is not going for Eren, we leave it. Got it?”

“Yes, sir!” Marco saluted. Reiner, Bertolt, and Annie nodded. Marco blushed.

“You haven't changed a bit, have you?” I asked with a smile, but then took on a serious expression. “Come on. No time to waste.”

All in all, there wasn't much work to be done. Majority of the titans stood as far from us as it was possible, ogling the soldier bait above their jaws. Some lone strays were slowly making their way to the same spot, often simply missing the little squads that were spread among the rooftops.

“Titan, you are called to the front!”

I turned around.

“Connie?”

“We have a problem.” He landed on the tiles next to me, panting. “Eren isn't doing what he's supposed to. Armin is trying to get him in line, but honestly... it's bad.”

I pinched my lips and gazed at my squad.

“You know what to do,” I said. They nodded. “I'll be back as soon as I can.”

I peeked at Marco, expecting another _Yes-sir!_ , but I received only one more embarrassed blush. I gave him an encouraging smile in return and went after Connie.

_Just what am I supposed to do about it?_

* * *

“You've said they had a problem.” I raised my eyebrows. “I see no problems with Eren here.”

The view was jaw-dropping. The 15-metres tall, muscular figure of the Eren-Titan was taking one step after another, evoking tremors in the ground. Thick clouds of titan vapour oozed from his feet and from his shoulders that were being crushed under the weight of the enormous boulder he was carrying.

I scowled.

“There is another thing, though...” I said slowly. “The whole place before the gate is flat, there are no buildings to aid the 3DMG... and the titans keep coming. We need to lure them away from him, but that means...” I bit my lips forcefully. “We'll have to get to the ground and run around.”

“That's suicide,” Connie squeaked, eyeing me in terror. “We aren't fast enough to escape from any titan on foot.”

“Yeah. I know that.” I waved to the boulder. “But if we do nothing, Eren won't make it. I'll be right back. I'll get more people. Tell the others what to do.”

“But-”

* * *

I hadn't seen Armin before I took off to find my squad, but I did not allow myself to linger on the thought. I flew through the air with narrowed eyes.

_Where are they? It's impossible they moved so far away, I left them right here..._

I landed on some roof and looked around.

_I stood right here. That's my muddy footprint on this tile._

Shouting wasn't a good idea, not with titans around, but...

I inhaled as much air as my lungs could fit.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

I coughed frantically, all of the gathered air left me rapidly when I heard the scream. Whoever it was, they were not far from me, and by the sound of it, I had no doubts about what situation they were in. I gripped my triggers and ran to the edge of the roof, focusing on finding the source.

My heart skipped a beat.

Marco was squirming in a grip of a 10-metre titan, reaching out his right arm to push its jaws away, pale and with tear-stained cheeks. His legs were sticking out at impossible angles, clearly showing that they were broken, both of them.

“MARCO! I'M RIGHT HERE, HOLD ON!” I bellowed, squeezing the triggers until they were on the verge of breaking off, going faster than ever, drawing my swords, opening my mouth to let out a furious yell-

Marco's wail was cut off as suddenly as I felt my heart falling to the ground. The titan bit into his side like there were no bones on the way, tearing off so much...

Only one second later, I was at the titan's shoulder, I sliced into its nape so deep that its head almost came off - but it was one second too late.

_One second too late._

I myself kicked off the titan's corpse, making it stumble back and fall on its back, saving Marco's body from being crushed. I landed next to him and sheathed my swords, and stared, unable to do anything. He looked horrible. The whole upper right quarter of his body was missing, his face was torn in a half, upper lip missing, blood poured in a vast puddle around him, and his only intact eye froze in a desperate, scared expression.

And then tears began pouring down my cheeks. I fell to my knees, sat on my heels, pressed side of my face to the soaked cobblestones and grasped the only hand that Marco still had.

“I'm sorryyy...” I squeezed out of my tightened throat. “I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm sorry...”

I rose back to my feet and picked him up to walk over and place him next to a wall, safe from being accidentally kicked or stomped on. Barely seeing through tears, I moved his hand to rest it on his stomach and closed his eye. The blood that clang to my cheek when I pressed it to the ground was dripping down my jaw and chin, staining my jacket and blouse.

“I'm sorry...”

My mind seemed fogged, but then I noticed something that nagged me at the back of my head all this time.

Marco's gear was missing.

It was missing.

All of it.

He didn't have it on him when he died.

If some part of his own equipment had broken, he would have only needed to replace just that one bit, not the whole set.

His legs had been broken, but the way the titan was holding him in no way could have caused that.

“Somebody...” I whispered. “ _Somebody did this to you..._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart is going to bleed forever after I read how Marco died... my poor beloved cinnamon roll, he didn't deserve any of it


	13. The lost shirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like losing one's shirt can turn out to be very convenient in the right circumstances. Curiously enough, fleas in a cloak can be convenient, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut time, babe.

Taking a shower after we came back from Trost was different from taking a shower after an expedition. Trost was home - symbolically - and we barely managed to tear it back from the titans that left it massacred and soaked in blood.

I stood on the tiles, surrounded by a dozen of other naked women - unlike in the communal bathrooms in the Corps, there were no curtains nor cabins in the trainee showers. I scrubbed at my skin and soaped it and my hair in a hurry only because others were waiting for their turn. Otherwise, I would simply stand there, letting the water wash away all the dirt and blood from my body and enjoy how it made my countless scratches sting and itch. But I didn't have that comfort, so after mere 5 minutes I was wrapped in a towel and staring at a shirt I got from Vinnie.

Vinnie was a bit wider than me, but a good foot shorter. Once I managed to pull the shirt on and button up, it was ridiculously obvious how wrong the size was, with the sleeves not reaching halfway down my forearms and the bare line of my stomach and back poking out despite my restless efforts to tuck the shirt into my dirty trousers.

“Don't rip it,” Vinnie murmured, pulling on a flowery top from her sleepwear. “It's my favourite shirt.”

“Your blouse looks more stretchy,” I pointed out. “Maybe it would be better if-”

“After my dead body.”

“Got it.”

I rubbed my hair with the towel. Vinnie poured salicylic spirit over the shallow cut on her forearm and carefully wrapped it up.

“Make sure you have that bullet wound corked nicely, I don't want any stains on this shirt.”

“It's just a graze, not a hole. Only ten stitches. God, I'm tired,” I mumbled and yawned.

“You are locking it up again,” Vinnie said indifferently, bandaging her calloused fingers. No matter how much she used the gear, and what kind of precautions she would take, she always ended up with fresh blisters after a longer exposure. "Something really shitty must have gone if you are this bad."

_Broken legs._

_No gear._

I coughed on a verge of throwing up.

“We both know what happens after you bottle up your shit for long,” she continued. “So you better get this over with.”

I took out my comb and began running it through my damp hair.

“I know that already. But I can't talk about it. Not because I don't want to.”

“Hmm...” Vinnie set the bandages aside and opened a tiny jar. Mighty herbal scent exploded in the shower room when she dipped her finger inside and proceeded to smear tiny amounts on the smaller scratches on her skin. I dipped my own finger into the ointment and took care of the ones on her face, and she switched to mine.

“Your scar is better. Less pink,” she said plainly. “It should be the regular shiny pale in a couple of months.”

“I guess it does look better than when you made me see it the first time.” I shrugged. “Done. Now I just want to drop dead in some bed and have no dreams whatsoever.”

“And I hope you won't snore _whatsoever_.”

“I don't snore.”

“Yes, sir. No, sir. But anyway, first we have the branch ceremony to deal with. We've got about 15 minutes left to get to that courtyard.”

“I know. I know.” I picked up my uniform jacket and stared at it apathetically. Despite my best efforts, it was still disgustingly dirty, torn in several places, and sticky in those parts that were previously caked in blood. It was in a much worse state than my stained and covered in dust trousers. Vinnie's yesterday shirt and my underwear were the only clean clothes I had there. “I think I'll ask one of the girls to borrow me a cloak. Cloaks don't have any rank insignia, so no one will know.”

* * *

Commander Erwin Smith was a work of art. Even during expeditions, even those lasting several days, he kept his appearance on an entirely different level than anyone else in the Corps. Key word: immaculate. Not a single hair was allowed to stick in the wrong direction on his head, not the slightest hint of stubble could be noticed. Perhaps only the barely recognisable sleepless circles under his eyes could be treated as a flaw in the perfect image, but with the Commander, they only were elevated to the title of The Sign of _I-give-up-my-sleep-for-humanity_.

This evening was no exception, but I merely spared him a short glance before I directed my eyes to the crowd of trainees that gathered in the courtyard. So much less of them than I had seen at yesterday's graduation ceremony. It seemed that at least a half of those rookies was now missing. Lots of them bedridden in the infirmaries. But mostly dead.

_The ones that will sign up to the Corps, will be those that are either insane, or even more determined after what happened._

I glanced at Armin. His hair was still wet after a shower, he had changed his clothes to fresh ones, and he was watching the Commander along with all the other graduates. At that current moment, I wanted nothing but to grab his arm, pull him into some desolate corner, tackle him to the ground, and stay there for the rest of the night.

_... basement?_

My eyes shot straight to the Commander, whose regular speech turned into something entirely new.

_Why is he talking about the basement, this is completely secret information, unchecked and new stuff, if there is a spy in here-_

_Oh._

_That's how it is. Bait._

_We'll see which of those kids won't fit into the picture after the rest walks away._

Commander finished speaking and we observed as nearly all of the cadets marched away without looking back. Those who stayed were nervously glancing after their leaving friends, shifting in their spots, but making no further moves to follow.

“So few,” Vinnie murmured next to me. “So much fewer than last year. How many is it? Two dozens? Way less...”

“Twenty one,” I mumbled, peering at each remaining face with a mix of empathy and pity. “And look, only Annie is gone from the top... nine. They stayed. Even Jean stayed.”

“Even Jean,” Vinnie repeated. “I saw Jean at the pyres.”

“I wasn't there,” I said quietly. “I was writing the report with Moblit.”

“One pyre is no different from the other. There's always someone crying and someone sitting silent behind the crowd. What else did you expect?”

I shrugged. I felt a terrible itch on my forearm and my hand immediately darted to scratch at it. I frowned.

“Vinnie...”

“Yes?”

“I think this cloak has fleas...”

“You borrowed it from Agnes from 103rd, didn't you?” Vinnie asked, not bothering to peek at me.

“Yep.”

“Then it definitely has fleas.”

I sighed through my teeth.

“I'll have another shower after this.”

“Water will be cold,” she pointed out.

“Do you want a hug?”

Vinnie rolled her eyes.

We watched as the Commander greeted the new recruits and paid his respects with a salute. Everyone joined him. 

And that was it.

21 cadets from the former 104th Trost Trainee Squad joined the Survey Corps.

* * *

I returned the cloak to Agnes and locked myself in the shower room, scratching at my head. I gladly took off the dirty trousers and the rest of my clothes, smiling at the change provided by Moblit. Moblit was, of course, shorter than me (big surprise), and heavier, but his stuff should still fit me better than Vinnie's. He didn't say a word about my own ragged jacket and blouse.

There was a lone stained white shirt under the bench, probably forgotten by someone; two lost, wet towels on a hook by the door, and greyish knickers with a big pink heart embroidered on the butt side patiently waited on the floor right below for the owner. There was also one shoe. Not one pair. One shoe.

I got the water running and scowled when a couple of ice-cold stray drops hit my stomach, especially when I knew that it wasn't going to get any better.

“Agnes, why...” I muttered, stepping under the stream. I couldn't hold a high-pitched squeal from escaping my throat. I furiously soaped myself up, from head to toes, and scrubbed my skin red, hoping that the fleas would perish in pain or go down the drain and never come back. I rinsed the soap and turned the water off. My teeth were clicking and I was covered in goosebumps and shaking awfully.

I was reaching for the towel when the doorknob turned and for a split second panic surged through my nerves. Then I remembered that I locked the door and I let out a sigh or relief.

The intruder knocked.

"Uh... anyone there?"

_No fucking way._

“A... Armin?” I asked in disbelief. _Wishes come true. They really do. Sometimes, that is._

“Eh?” The pitch of his voice rose a little up. “Um... are you taking a shower? I can come back later. I just wanted to get my shirt, I must have left it here.”

“Ah... yeah, there is one under the bench. And I'm finished, one moment...” I wrapped my towel around me, picked up the shirt, and walked over to the door to unlock it.

Armin opened it hesitantly and peeked inside through a crack.

“Oh- oh. You're... oh.” He gulped and hurriedly looked away while an intense blush spread on his face and ears. I blushed, too. A simple plan formed in my mind.

“Your shirt.” I raised my hand that was holding it. Armin reached forward to take it, but instead I grabbed his forearm, pulled him inside, slammed the door shut, and locked it. Armin gasped and his back hit the wall cushioned with the wet towels, he bounced off the wall, tripped on the lonely shoe, and fell right at me.

By some miracle, the fabulous heart-embroidered pants were not involved in the accident.

I dropped the shirt and caught him, but my towel lost the only thing that kept it up so far. At that moment, it stayed on because it was pressed between Armin and me. 

“To hell with this.” I gritted my teeth and slid my hands down to the small of his back, grabbed the hem of his blouse, and pulled it up. Armin's eyes widened and his blush deepened, but he raised his arms and let me take it off.

“To hell with this,” I mumbled before threw the blouse aside and I leaned down, and smashed my lips to his. Armin's little groan was lost somewhere between us, his hands ran up my ribs and down to my waist, pulling me closer, pressing our hips together. A tiny squeak sounded in my throat-

The doorknob turned as someone tried to enter the room and we both flinched.

“Anyone there?”

Knock knock.

“Hey, anyone there?”

“Ugh, someone locked it...”

“Come on, we'll get the key from Beannes.”

We watched the door until footsteps of the two trainees died down in the distance. I pinched my lips in determination. I grasped the edges of my towel to keep it up with one hand, I grabbed Armin's wrist with the other, and I dragged him after me to the back of the showers, to the door of the clean laundry room. The smell of freshly washed, drying, and dry clothes hit our noses as we entered. This door had no lock, but Armin moved one of the large crates with soap bars and blocked the entrance. Then he straightened up, turned on his heel, and stared at me with wide eyes and slightly parted lips.

“A-are you... are you sure about this?” he asked timidly.

“Are _you?_ ” I mumbled in reply. Armin bit his lips and nodded.

“Hell yes I am,” I drawled with a feral expression, approaching him in two steps and grabbing his shoulders. My towel slipped down and fell to the floor. Armin gasped, staring at me. Two burning torches that were pinned by the entrance to the lecture hall just outside the window gave enough light to show how his eyebrows went up and his whole face was completely red. I leaned forward for another slow kiss while I took a step back, making Armin absent-mindedly follow me to a huge pile of dry folded sheets. I sat down, pulling him after me.

Armin knelt down and leaned over me, not breaking the kiss. One of his hands sank into the cloth next to my head to find support, the other travelled up to cup my face and stroke my cheek with the thumb. He closed his eyes and withdrew an inch back to sigh quietly and rest his forehead on mine. I pecked the tip of his pudgy nose and he giggled, opening his eyes again.

“I can't believe this is really happening,” he muttered. His thumb brushed over my lips and then his hand slid down my jaw and neck while he sank into an exuberant kiss. Armin's fingers grazed my breast and a moan left my mouth in that tiny moment when we parted for air. I grunted and tugged at his belt.

“No fair...” I murmured.

“Hmm? Oh- oh, right. Okay...” Armin mumbled awkwardly, getting back up to his knees and bringing his hands to the buckle. “Um...”

“It's okay,” I whispered, sitting up. I pressed a kiss on his chest and moved back. “I'm closing my eyes. It's fine.”

“Th-thanks. Sorry,” he said, almost as quiet as a breath.

“Don't be. I only got used to it after spending so much time in the infirmary, both being cared after and taking care of the others.”

“I s-see.”

I heard shuffling and the quiet sounds of boots and clothes being discarded on the floor.

“Come here,” I said gently, opening my arms.

Armin let out a shuddering sigh and he came back to me, or rather he leaned down and cupped my face with one hand, the other placing next to my head for support, but otherwise still keeping distance and not touching my body whatsoever. I opened my eyes and looked right into his, wide open and nervous. He was biting his lower lip and doing his best not to stare anywhere else than my face. His hair fell around his head like a soft curtain and I dived my fingers into it when I moved my hand to his nape and pulled him down for another heartfelt kiss.

It was in fact to distract him from noticing my other hand sneaking to his lower back and when I dug my fingers into his skin and pushed him down, it was too sudden for him to react - and so he finally found himself on top of me, claimed in my left arm and cradled between my thighs. A shiver ran down my spine at the little moan that sounded deep in his chest and how he threw himself into the kiss thrice as hungrily as ever before. He shifted his support from his hand to his elbow and let his chest brush over my breasts and it seems like at that moment he struck gold, and he lifted his head a couple of inches to look at me with parted lips, with dishevelled hair, and half-lidded eyes... and he smiled. It was a small, tender smile that he sealed with a sweet kiss while he caressed my cheek with his thumb.

I was about to melt on spot any time. Not breaking the eye contact, I rolled my hips up, just to see what would happen and the result exceeded my expectations - Armin gasped and his free hand clenched into the bedsheets when I felt _that part_ of him pressed to me, and it left no doubts about how much into it he was.

So I did it again. After the third time Armin followed suit, one of his hands slid down to tentatively massage my breasts, and my breathy moan was swallowed in the slow dance of our lips and tongues. He took that sound as a signal to get bolder and his fingers dipped harder, his thumb circled my nipple, and his teeth nibbled my lower lip before his kisses descended to my chin and then to my neck. I sighed and tilted my head to the side, stroking his hair with one hand and letting my other wander around his back and shoulders, rocking my hips in rhythm with his.

Armin's lips reached my chest and he placed an open-mouthed kiss between my breasts. I closed my eyes and curled my fists in his hair, careful not to pull too much, but when his tongue circled my nipple, I let go, clenched my jaw, and grabbed the sheets by my sides. He bit down gently and a strangled groan vibrated in my throat. I locked my thighs tighter at his hips and his efforts increased tenfold.

His hand traced away from my breast to my stomach and to my side, down to my waist. Armin grunted timidly and glanced up at me for a second with a new intense blush on his cheeks.

“M-may I?” he muttered, grazing his thumb where otherwise the waistband of my underwear would be. "I-I mean... I..."

“Mhm,” I murmured, not sure if I was able to form anything coherent at that stage.

“I mean...” Armin gulped, all bashful, but his hand slowly slid lower along the junction between my thigh and hip. “I... umm... I've read that... that it can make it, umm, ea-easier...” His palm was very close now and I squeezed my eyes shut in anticipation. “... easier for you. And...” He took a deep breath. “And that's important. Because I'm going to take care of you.”

A full happy and touched smile found its way onto my face.

“Thank y-hhhhhhnn...!” I threw my head back and whimpered when Armin's fingers reached their destination and gently trailed the way along my slit, which made me realise how wet I had already gotten from all that making out so far. I bit my lips and my cheeks heated up in embarrassment - I was used to other people seeing me somewhat naked, like I had said, but this was an entirely different thing.

“It's okay,” Armin muttered, crawling up to kiss me, never ceasing the movement of his fingers. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Y-you are gorgeous.”

My hands shot up on their own accord and they locked themselves in his hair, bringing him closer and turning the kiss from tender to hurried and sloppy - and then, all of a sudden, one of his fingers entered me.

I nearly yelped and it would have carried outside of the room for sure, but fortunately it was all muffled by his lips, and each of my little whimpers that followed were lost as well when his finger began moving in and out at a slow, gentle pace, crooking and straightening on its course.

Armin rested his forehead on mine when we parted to catch a breath, and my chest was rising and falling with each shallow pant that was laced with quiet moans.

“How does it feel?” he whispered against my lips. He pressed the heel of his hand over my core and started rocking it up and down with the movement of his finger. I clenched my fists in his hair and bit my lips forcefully to suppress another loud groan.

“R-really... great,” I uttered, ending it with a short, soundless laugh. “You sure... did read... a- a lot... nghhhh... aa-aah...!”

He added one more finger and now two plunged inside me. My eyes shot round open and I gazed right into Armin's that were half-lidded in haze and with full blown pupils, hungrily watching every change on my face, and I felt my deep downs stir at the sole sight. He leaned down to slide his tongue between my teeth, but suddenly he gasped, too, and I smirked inwardly in triumph as I regained some of the control. I ran my hand up and down his length again, feeling how it throbbed under my touch and how Armin's hand began losing its rhythm. He buried his face in the crook of my neck and stilled, panting heavily.

“Stop... P-please...” he whimpered. “Please, stop... please...”

I withdrew my hand and he let out a groan that was both sad and relieved.

“I'm sorry...” he mumbled into my neck, apologetically stroking circles on my hip with his thumb. “I just... don't know if I... can...” He gulped. “This is... this is so much more than I could've ever expected and I'm... I'm sorry.”

“Come on,” I whispered and pressed a kiss into his messy hair. “Um... from what I've heard, first times are never perfect, besides-”

“I- I know that,” Armin cut in. “But- but I thought maybe _I could-_ ”

“This is all right.” I lifted his chin and kissed him until he sank into it with a tiny relaxed hum. “Besides, we don't have to go all the way anyway. If you are less than 100 percent sure about it, then-”

“I really _do_ want it,” he muttered, hiding his face again. His ears were completely red. “I'm 100 percent sure. But I just- I'm worried that you- that you won't like it, and-”

“Oh, shut up.” I rolled my eyes and brought his face but to mine to give him a firm kiss. “Let's just do our best, we'll see where we stand, and we'll take it from there, okay?”

“Y-yes,” Armin stammered, staring at me with wide eyes.

“That's the spirit,” I said quietly and bit his lower lip. “Now... where were we...” I cupped his face and brushed my lips against his. Armin sighed and moved his hand to my breast to caress it with feather-light touches. 

I traced my hands down to the small of his back and shifted my hips up, making his length slide over my wet slit. Armin choked out my name and I heard his knuckles crack when he clasped his fist onto the sheets beside my head. Encouraged, I snaked my hands further and grabbed his ass, and pushed his hips even lower. We both shivered when that little change made him poke at my entrance.

“Look at me,” he asked with a new-found courage. I locked my eyes with his. “Keep looking at me. Tell me if it hurts, okay?”

“Okay...” I whispered, utterly transfixed by his warm eyes.

When you sign up to the trainee corps, where most of the cadets is sixteen and with their hormones going bonkers, you hear a lot of stories, and the older you get and the more time passes, the more stories you hear. Stories about how much of a fail a first time can be, how awkward it usually is, how it mostly ends before it actually gets going, or how the horror stories about excruciating pain and buckets of blood are way exaggerated, and so on. All in all, I could say I was somewhat prepared. Somewhat.

And then Armin began carefully pushing forward and I knew that theory was far from practice. My eyes widened. It felt... there was that little sting, nothing to cry about, but...

Armin let out the most strangled groan I could ever imagine and it shot right into my heart, making it beat crazily fast and it turned my mind into a dizzy mess.

“Are you okay?” he rasped, having the same kind of unfocused expression in his glassy eyes.

In reply, I dug my fingernails into his buttocks and pressed him closer, pulling his hips flush to mine in one move. Armin gasped loudly and buried his face between my breasts, bringing his hand under my thigh and leaving a long, deep scratch there.

“This... is...” he breathed out, but the words that followed were too quiet and too incoherent to distinguish.

“For heaven's sake, move!” I panted, raking my fingernails up and down his back. Armin slowly, cautiously pulled back and I winced a little at more stinging ache that went with it. He slid back in and I felt the pain dissipate gradually. A couple of gentle dips more and it was gone.

“Faster!” I hissed, moving my hands to the small of his back. Armin moaned at my demand and clenched his fingers on my hip; I had no doubts that I was going to have bruises the next day. His thrusts picked up the pace and it began to feel really good-

Armin halted abruptly, panting wildly into my chest.

“I- I can't-” he nearly whimpered. Complete embarrassment echoed from every letter of his words. “I'm not going... to... I can't- much longer...” His hand left my hip and he hugged me instead, not daring to look me in the eye at all. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sor-”

I rose up a little on my elbow and he reluctantly let me to lift his chin, although he averted his ashamed gaze to the side. He looked like he was about to cry.

“It's okay,” I murmured soothingly, stroking his cheek with my free hand. I pulled him forward and kissed him tenderly until he responded.

I rolled my hips into his and Armin sighed over my lips, replying in sync to that as well. He hid his face in the crook of my neck and clang closely. The room soon filled with our muffled pants and quiet moans again. I could sense how close he was by the way how his fingernails were dipping and withdrawing from my skin and how his thrusts fell out of the rhythm almost right away... and then he was slamming his hips onto mine at feral speed, he suddenly gasped out my name, and shuddered, and an odd sensation of being filled up radiated throughout my body from down there. Armin shakily struggled to keep himself propped up on his elbows, but I pulled him down onto me and he complied with an exhausted sigh.

“I'm sorry,” he muttered quietly. “And... and thank you.”

I kissed the top of his head, stroking his back up and down. Physically, I was still horribly needy and unsatisfied, but other than that, I felt my heart swell with happiness. I kissed his head again and traced my hands up to stroke his hair instead.

“Don't be sorry,” I said gently. “I think this was quite good.”

“Oh...” Armin tensed up like he was about to raise his head and look at me, but he lay still. Then he shook slightly... and a tiny chuckle reached my ears. He finally glanced at me. “I'm not done with you yet.”

With that, his hand travelled down to my stomach and he slid out of me. I felt the, um... _liquid thing_ slowly seep out, but I soon forgot about it when Armin's fingers reached there again and the warm coil started rolling in my belly again as he worked his magic, lazily stroking circles over the most sensitive spot and firmly pressing his palm a little higher. I let out a breathy moan and pulled his face to mine, intending to kiss him, but I lost my focus when two of his fingers dipped into me and began moving in and out at a pace that drove me crazy and made me harshly bite my lips to suppress too loud groans from escaping. Armin covered my face in feather-light kisses, making the caresses gradually bolder and faster... the last thing I saw before I closed my eyelids shut were his big, gentle eyes, watching me intently without a break.

“Armin...” I mumbled, feeling a delightful tingle gathering where he was touching me. “Armiiiinnn... hnnn...”

“You are beautiful.” Armin nuzzled my cheek and whispered that directly into my ear. “Gorgeous. The most fantastic and inspiring person I've ever met. And I...” he trailed off, speeding up his moves. I tilted my head to the side and arched my back, feeling the coil tightening to a nearly painful point, it was nearly in my reach, at the tips of my fingers, almost burning my insides, I dug my nails into Armin's shoulders-

I parted my lips in a silent moan as my face constricted in pleasure and my whole body shook in spasms, Armin's fingers danced in a maddening rhythm, carrying me through-

And then my body went limp, and I fell from the cloud nine back onto the sheets, panting, feeling my eyes water. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly, burying my face in his hair. Armin retracted his hand and placed a little kiss on my collarbone, and rolled us onto the side. He pressed me closer into his arms and nuzzled my chest.

“And you _what_ exactly...?” I asked quietly. “You didn't finish that.”

Armin gulped and he narrowed his lips over my skin. I nodded, and then chuckled and stroked his back.

“Let's check if the room is empty,” I said with a smile. “We really do need a shower.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week on XL_TT News:  
> *don't believe in "it was our first time and we fucked all night long", it ain't like that, _ever_  
>  *calling certain stuff by their names is a skill to develop, too. Since I write it from the point of view of the main character, a.k.a. The Reader, you may compare that with how my Bertl x Reader fic is narrated  
> *take your bets on whose those grey pants with a pink heart belong to. The answer will be in the next chapter.
> 
> This fic was rated as Mature until this chapter, I'm changing it now to Explicit. Perhaps I should change my avatar to that white E on a red background some day.


	14. Gears on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to Jinae leaves a little closure and a little hope; another detail joins the collected clues, and suspicions are raised in The Reader's head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a while. I might have gotten too deep into Noragami and Haikyuu lately, but there is no way I'd ever drop this story, I'm too content with how it's going, so don't worry. I'll be updating more frequently now.
> 
> There are feels and a tiny suggestive part in here.

The sun shone bright and harsh down onto us when we passed another abandoned farm, the 5th one since we set off. Jinae wasn't far from Trost, and while the officials were sorting out the mess stirred by the recent attack, some of us were dispatched to carry out condolences to the families of the fallen soldiers.

I knew that Marco Bott wanted to join the Military Police, but I decided to bullshit my way into the matter by telling he had had his eyes on the Survey Corps, and I took the responsibility of visiting his home. I wasn't entirely convinced about doing that until I saw Jean the day after we had finished burning the corpses. Jean needed some sort of closure, at least a scrap of it.

That was how Jean and I ended up on the dusty, empty road to Jinae, surrounded by Spring in full work, singing birds, blooming flowers, growing grass, and trees covered in blossoms, like all of it was mocking the tragedies of the past days.

I had not mentioned any of my suspicions and observations to anyone yet - they were merely hints, light traces in soft ground, and I had nothing to add to what had been obviously clear to Commander Smith: we had spies somewhere in our ranks. The discovery of Eren's terrifying ability, the way Marco died, the way the Colossal and Armoured Titans behaved - all of it pointed towards that one conclusion, and nothing more could be said about it for now, not without any further clues.

I felt in the marrow of my bones that we wouldn't wait long.

“Your sister lives in Jinae, doesn't she?” Jean asked, not shifting his eyes from the back of his horse's head.

“Yeah. She's doing well.”

“You should visit her while we are there.”

“I had that in my mind,” I said gloomily. “She won't be delighted about how I look.”

“She'll get to see you,” he pointed out. “That's much more than some other people can ever have from now.”

“That's very deep, coming from you.” I smirked. 

Jean threw me an annoyed glare, but his features smoothed right away and he rolled his eyes.

“I definitely want to see the clash of the titans when you two meet,” he jabbed back.

“She's not tall.” I shrugged. “We aren't similar in appearance, sorry to disappoint you.”

Jean tilted his chin to point forward. I followed with my glance to see gates looming from between the trees.

Jinae wasn't a big settlement and after asking for directions a couple of times, we quickly found the right house. We both jumped to the ground, but that was where all the determination vaporized.

The house was well kept; white walls, clean thatch, small garden at the front, windows' glass divided in little squares - fitting Marco's personality so much that it hurt by just staring at it. I reached to the bag attached to my saddle and pulled out a folded Training Corps cloak, a book, a little wooden figure of a bear that he had probably made himself - all that was left from a warm, smiling, radiant boy. His clothes were taken to be used by other trainees, after all nothing could go to waste in the military.

I imagined that one day, I might see some new recruit in Marco's old shirt. I didn't like the idea.

I sighed and exchanged glances with Jean, whose eyes were already suspiciously shiny. I nodded lightly and we took the first step to the front door.

“... and to the bakery afterwards!”

Jean and I froze.

“Dagny?” I uttered.

The small, stunningly pretty woman halted at the threshold. Her jaw dropped and all blood drained from her face.

“Sis?” she whispered. “What are you-”

She glanced at Jean and his hopeless, beaten expression, then back at me, and then her vision slid down to the things I was holding in my hands.

“Dag, you always run out like on fire, I can't even tie my shoes before you are off, good grief, do you want me to lose my breath? I swear, you are- Survey Corps...?”

For a second, a tiny, brief moment, I thought it was Marco who appeared behind my sister, but then my relief and hope washed away in an instant. The boy was visibly younger, shorter, his hair was brighter, his face rounder, and his dark puppy eyes were a little narrower.

I heard Jean gasp.

“Mika...” Dagny covered her mouth. “Mika, I think-”

“Mikael, pick up some potatoes if you can, these are no good for the stew. Better have Dagny pick them out, tell her - oh, you are still here? Good, I-”

A chubby, sweet woman who could only be Mrs. Bott stepped out from behind the boy named Mikael, her hands covered in flour. She went silent and pinched her full lips as soon as she saw Jean and me.

“He's gone, isn't he?” she whispered, automatically wiping her hands into her white apron. “Marco is gone?”

I had to look away, but as much as I tried, I couldn't stop my eyes from watering, so I clenched my jaw and approached her stiffly, reaching out to give her the little pathetic bundle. I straightened up.

“Are you Mrs. Bott?” I asked formally. I hoped that the official form could calm my mind, but it did nothing of the sort. The woman only nodded. I took a deep breath.

“On behalf of the Trainee Corps and Survey Corps, I am sorry to inform you, that y-your son, Ma-Marco Bott-” I stopped and took another breath, trying to control my voice. “That your son, Marco Bott, fell in- in the line of duty three d-days ago, brave-bravely defending hu-humanity. P-please accept his- his cloak and be-belongings, our- our condolences- and- and-” I squeezed my eyes shut, not being able to keep two large tears from escaping down my cheeks. “And know that your son has our utmost respect and- and admiration, and- and- and his sacrifice won't- won't be forgotten, and...”

“... and his death was not and will not be in vain.” Jean finished for me quietly. I didn't notice when he had stepped to stand beside me.

“I knew something happened,” Mrs. Bott said blankly. “I woke up that day and I knew.”

“Mum...” Mikael turned around and wrapped his arms around her, hiding his face in her shoulder. “Mum...” His mother closed her eyes and hugged him, stroking his hair. Marco's cloak with the book and figurine wrapped inside were pressed to Mikael's back by her other hand. Her face was all constricted; she seemed too stricken to be able to cry.

All we could do was to stand there in perfect salute and watch through fogged eyes. Dagny was sobbing into her hands until Mikael wrapped his arm around her and pulled into the collective embrace.

“It's just the two of them left now,” Jean rasped under his breath. His voice was thick and humid. “Marco's father and older sister both died in the Corps a couple of years ago.”

“This is my sister.”

Dagny's statement brought me out of my trance-like state. All three of them were staring at me.

“She is a Survey Corps Squad Leader.”

“Oh, so it's you...” Mikael gave me a pale smile. “Dagny has been-”

“Come in,” Mrs. Bott said hoarsely, gesturing to the door. “Please.”

I placed my hand reassuringly on Jean's shoulder for a while. He nodded without gazing at me. His eyelids were red and puffy.

“Thank you for coming all the way here, both of you.” Mrs. Bott put a set of mugs on the table that we had sat by. Her hands were shaking. “Usually it's just one soldier, rarely a decorated one.”

_Usually. She's been through this enough times to say “usually”._

“Shouldn't it be someone from Military Police, though?” Mikael asked, tapping his fingers on his mug. “He wants to go to Military Police, not to Survey Corps... wanted. He wanted to go to Military Police,” he added after taking a long breath.

I bit my lips.

“Technically... it should have been someone from the Trainee Corps, since none of the graduates had managed to be formally signed into their branches before it all happened, I mean signed on paper...” I mumbled. “But... I bent the facts a bit, so we could come here, Jean and I.”

“Jean?” Mrs. Bott returned with a large pitcher and began filling our mugs with beer. “You are Jean Kirstein?”

“Yes, ma'am,” Jean muttered.

She put the pitcher aside and walked up to him, and before Jean could react, she pulled him to her chest. Jean's eyes went completely round and his face covered in red.

“Marco writes about you a lot,” she said. She realised that she had used present tense, but didn't correct herself. “You two are very close, right?”

Jean nodded, not able to speak. Tears began pouring down his cheeks more than earlier.

“You miss him, too,” she continued. “I'm so sorry, sweetheart, I'm so sorry...”

Jean turned in his seat, wrapped his arms around her, and hid his face in the woman's chest. His shoulders shuddered and a sob escaped his mouth, muffled by the apron. She stroked his hair, gently rocking both of them side to side.

“Cry, sweetie, let it out,” she murmured.

 _That's something Marco would do, more or less_ , I thought. _So that's where he got it from, all that warmth and caring, and strength._

I covered my face with my hands and leaned my elbows on the table with a sigh. I felt an arm around my lower back.

“Let's give them a while,” I heard Dagny's hushed voice. I nodded and we stood up to step outside and sit on a bench by the front wall, hidden from the street by the tall hollyhocks in the lovingly kept garden. Dagny ran her fingers through her hair and exhaled slowly.

“I'm happy to see you,” she said. “Though I wish it wasn't because you had to come with such news. It's been way too long... I'm not holding it against you, no!” she added immediately. She pulled me into a hug. I smiled a little and rested my cheek on the top of her head.

“I'm happy to see you, too. You grew a lot.”

“Not in height.” Dagny chuckled. I joined her. She stared into the sky. “I've sent you a letter already, but I guess it hasn't reached you yet, so... well... I've got news.”

“You are engaged to a certain Mr. Bott, aren't you?” I smirked. Dagny snorted.

“You are way too smart sometimes, I wanted to make this a surprise.”

“I'm glad,” I murmured, stroking her back. “I'm really glad. You two are going to make beautiful babies.” I snickered, pulling back just in time to see Dagny's ears go red.

“Um, well...” she stared at the ground.

I raised my chin.

“Don't tell me...”

“Well, yeah.”

“Holy fuck, I'm going to be an aunt?” I asked thinly. “When? And when's the wedding? Holy shit!”

“Wedding's in two weeks,” Dagny mumbled, both happy and embarrassed. “And the other, um, thing, that's September.”

“My little sister is all grown up, did you freaking see that?” I muttered, giggling. “There are still some good things in this world. I'll do my best to be here. I might bullshit my way out, but I'll work it out somehow.”

“Oooh... while we are at it...” She gave me a sly smile. “How is Armin?”

I gulped, suddenly remembering how it took me two hours to get used to the saddle and ignore the annoying, dull pain that accompanied a certain part of my body for way too long for my taste.

“Good,” I uttered. “Quite good.”

“I see...” She wiggled her eyebrows and we both chuckled again. “I really missed you, sis.”

“I missed you, too.”

* * *

It was half past nine when Jean and I returned to Trost trainee grounds. I managed to get us some poor scraps from the supper and afterwards we parted ways.

I sat at the stairs to the dormitory barracks and watched the stars. I could still smell the lingering faint stench of the burning stakes, an off-key note among the sweet scent of young grass and flowers. I was tired after the journey and all the emotions and turmoil, but I wasn't sleepy.

“How was it?”

I flinched.

“Good grief, Vinnie, can you not sneak like this?” I growled. Then I shrugged. “Probably just like you can imagine.”

“And Dagny?”

I told her about the whole visit in Jinae, not tearing my eyes from the starry sky. I took my time with it, hoping that by the end of my story my brain would be relaxed enough to fall asleep.

“Do you want to bet?” she asked when I was done.

“Bet on what?” I frowned.

“I bet it's a girl.”

I rolled my eyes.

“We won't live long enough to see, that I can bet on.” I sighed. “Okay... I bet it's a boy, then. Dinner?”

“A jar of honey.”

“Are you kidding?” I snorted. “That's a fortune. I don't have such money... fine, that's an exaggeration, but still. Besides, what are you even going to do with it?”

“Eat it. What else do you do with honey?” she asked with legit curiosity.

“Never mind. All right, a jar of honey it is.” I yawned. “Let's go, I think I'll give the bed a try.”

I didn't manage to doze off for another two hours, but eventually my mind gave up and I slipped into a dreamless, comfortable state.

Deep in my subconscious, however, there was a nagging sting that suspected that it was all a calm time before a storm.

* * *

“Titan, wake up.”

I scowled.

“Wake up. Shit hit the fan.”

I opened my eyes to glare at a blurred image of Vinnie.

“What?”

“The captured titans are dead.”

“Huh?” I rubbed my eyelids and gazed out of the window. Judging by the light, it was right after dawn. “Both of them? Hange sure went wild...”

“It's not the Squad Commander and their experiments. Someone killed them. Deliberately.”

I sat up.

“What the fuck did you say?”

“Using the equipment, without a doubt. Whoever it was, we'll catch them at the gear inspection. I guess it was some halfwit with revenge drive and no brain,” Vinnie said, handing me my harness. “Took it out on the titans and fucked up the chance of learning more about them at the same time.”

_It was the spy. I'm pretty sure. A halfwit wouldn't be able to get past the guards so easily._

* * *

We arrived at the courtyard when the sun was high above the horizon, the foul smelling vapours were still rising in the air, and Squad Commander Hange was sobbing.

“Look...” I murmured. “There's Eren.”

“Huh?” Vinnie frowned. “Where?”

“Commander Smith is leaning to him.”

“That person is wearing a hood, how can you even tell?”

“Do you feel like that person is about to piss you off?”

“... yes.”

“There you go.”

Whatever Commander Smith was speaking about to Eren, he was finished and turned around to leave. Once he reached me and Vinnie - Captain Levi was walking beside him - I called after him.

“Yes, Squad Leader?” He raised his eyebrows.

“I assume that a gear inspection is going to be performed among the soldiers today?” I asked. “This clearly must have been done by someone who can use the equipment.”

“Yes, in two hours, everyone is to be at the Trost Training Grounds, where the inspection will be performed. I would like you to make sure that all of our newest recruits will be there.”

“Yes, sir.”

“If that is all...”

I nodded with a bit of hesitation. Commander and Captain resumed their walk.

“Sir...?” I spoke up quietly.

“Yes?”

“There's something... But I don't think I should talk about it here.”

Commander tilted his head to the side, observing me curiously.

“Please follow me to my office, Squad Leader.”

* * *

A whole hour passed and nothing was found. Every single soldier and every single set of the 3DMG didn't cast any shades of suspicion, every statement was confirmed by the condition of the equipment and the documents. I stood next to the table and watched carefully as one after another, new recruits and seasoned soldiers were presenting their weapons and propellers... but there was nothing. Nothing out of the norm.

I listened idly to Connie asking the others about their branches, if they were really sure, if they were thinking about switching to another, what they were thinking about the Survey Corps... It was difficult to tell whether he was more bored or nervous, if it was even possible to mix those two together.

“Annie Leonhart, step forward.”

Annie placed her gear on the table and my vision slid over it automatically before I returned to secretly gazing at Armin.

_One moment._

My eyes instantly darted back to the device. At first I wasn't sure what caught my attention, but then...

_Oh god._

I glanced at Annie, who was indifferently looking at the wall ahead.

_Oh god._

I stared at the gear again.

“Everything's fine, cadet, you may go.”

_No. Nothing is fine. This is not hers. This is not Annie's gear. It can't be._

_It's Marco's._

I felt all the blood draining from my face and I had to force myself not to waver in my stand. I caught Armin's gaze.

He noticed it, too.

My heart hammered against my chest. There were only three new recruits left and I patiently waited until they were all checked, my mind was racing and screaming in alert. Once Connie, who was the last one, was checked off the list, I nodded at both him and Armin, who was clearly waiting for me to discuss what we had both seen, and marched away faster than any of them could keep up with without running.

_Annie. Annie Leonhart. Annie had Marco's gear, the one that Marco didn't have with him when he died. Gear that was most likely taken from him... and Annie had it. She had it. Marco's death was definitely not an accident and Annie is somewhere in that story._

I felt sick.

_Annie might be the spy._

I passed the courtyard, I passed the lecture barrack, I got to the stables, I got a horse, and I was off to the Southern base.

* * *

I knocked on the door much louder than appropriate.

“Come in.”

I took a deep breath to calm down my panting (it didn't work) and entered the office. Commander Smith was writing something in neat cursive.

“Oh, Squad Leader. I see that the inspection of the new recruits has ended.”

“Yes, sir.” I gulped. “And I have news.”

It took him one glance at my face. He put away his pen and closed the inkwell.

“Please close the door, Squad Leader. Have a seat.”

* * *

I was forced to behave like usual after I left the Commander's office. Of course, I was also told not to speak anything about my findings, and neither about the plan to capture the spy, may it be Annie Leonhart or not.

I did not like the plan.

I did not have any other ideas, though.

It was an early afternoon of the same day when the newbies arrived and I stood with four other Squad Leaders to greet them. I had a privilege of choosing my own squad before the others - probably because I knew who would be working with whom the best - and so I gathered my rookies together.

“We have the Squad Leader Titan, woohoo!” Sasha hit the air with her fist.

I looked at them one by one. Despite how cheerful Sasha seemed, she was just as tired and depressed as the rest of them. Armin, Jean, Mikasa, Bertolt, Reiner, Connie, and Sasha. Ymir and Krista were a part of another squad.

“Well... you know already what it's like, and there is no way to sugarcoat it,” I said, scratching the back of my head. “The only way to make you feel a little better is maybe to say that the titans outside are not that densely gathered, and we have a safer way of doing stuff during the expeditions than we had before. But that's about it. There is no way to predict every situation, so don't rely on solid facts too much. Listen to the higher ranks, and look around.” I stared at them, one after the other. “Oh and... don't forget to go to the toilet before an expedition, or you are going to seriously regret it. Been there, done that.”

Some of them snickered.

“And this stuff here... this is for you.” I turned around, picked up a stack of folded green cloth, and I handed one cloak to each of my squad soldiers.

_My squad soldiers._

_My squad._

_I better take a good care of them._

I watched as they pinned the cloaks on their shoulders. They looked much different than on the day of their final exam. Trost left a permanent mark on each of them.

“I'm proud of you.” I said with a nod.

“Yes, sir!” Sasha saluted. Everyone glared at her, but just as she started getting red and flustered, the rest of my squad repeated after her.

“You guys?!”

I saw Eren dashing towards us. Everyone turned around to meet him.

“You are all here? Even you, Kirstein?!” Eren's eyes were huge and round when he ogled Jean. “So that means... only Annie and Marco went to the Military Police?”

“Marco is dead.” Jean's face darkened and he dipped his head.

“What... what did you say? That Marco is...?” Eren's voice wavered. He smiled in disbelief. “No, that can't be, Marco is too good...”

“Not everyone goes out in style,” Jean muttered. “No one even saw what happened.”

I averted my gaze.

“You guys have a talk, don't forget about dinner,” I said. “I'll see you later.”

I pivoted and without further ado, I walked away to disappear from their sight around a corner. Once I put some safe distance, I hid behind the stables and slid down the wall to sit on the ground. I rubbed my forehead and hid my eyes under my hand. I let out a raspy sigh.

I heard light footsteps, but I had no intention of moving from my spot.

“Are you all right?”

Armin.

“Not really, but that can't be helped,” I mumbled. “Unless you know some nice way to forget a bunch of selected stuff.”

He plopped down next to me and he leaned his head onto my shoulder.

“I'll tell you once I discover it,” he said, taking my hand in both of his. I smiled.

“Thanks. That would be lovely.”

I knew that he wanted to talk about Marco's gear, and that he most likely found out why I skipped out after Jean's words, but just as much I knew that he'd rather postpone it and try to make me feel better instead.

“You are the best, Armin,” I muttered, tilting to rest my temple on his head. He squeezed my hand gently and turned to leave a lingering kiss on my jaw while his fingers unhurriedly began trailing up my forearm, raising goosebumps on my skin.

“Mhhh... not out in the open, you rabbit,” I scolded him, rolling my eyes.

“Rabbit?” Armin's eyebrows went up.

“Rabbit.” I nodded.

“Why... rabbit...?” He sounded like he wasn't quite sure if he actually wanted to know the answer.

“What are rabbits known for?” I smirked. “And do I have to remind you how many times-”

“Okay, okay,” he cut in. “I get it.”

“Easy to say for you, I had to sit in a saddle half of the day.”

Armin frowned for full three seconds before the meaning of my words got to him along with a deep, cherry red blush. I snickered.

“S-sorry... um...”

“It's fine. So...?”

Armin took a deep breath.

“Hayloft?” he asked, biting his lip.

“Hayloft it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sense that the next chapter will start with smut. Fight me.  
> Also, I'm pretty sure that Armin could be a rabbit in that certain manner. He's a Scorpio, for fuck's sake, everyone knows that we are pervs.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the comments, kudos, and subscriptions! Please let me know what you think, I'd love to know! ♡♡


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